Author: Max Ikari
Pairings: Yohji/Aya for now. I am still deciding on the other pairing. Gomen.
Warnings: NC-17, Lemon, Non-consensual sex, violence, adult language, adult situations, some AU.
Genre: Angst, romance, some sap.
[ ] Inner thoughts
/ / Mind Talking
One Art
Chapter 4
One Art
The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something everyday, Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
Then practice losing a father, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother’s watch. And look! My last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.
Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love)
I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
The art of losing's not too hard to master
Though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
Elizabeth Bishop
April 29, 1996
Ran had spent most of the night thinking what he was going to do about the proposition he had received from that lady cop. He was now beginning to wonder if she was even a cop. No real cop would come and tell you to kill for them. Would they?
Ran didn’t know what to think. He had never had to think if he wanted to kill somebody. Even though he was angry at the guy that ran over his sister, he was not mad enough to go out in a killing spree. What if Aya woke up the next day and she learned he was a killer? Damn it! He was no closer to finding out what he wanted to do than two days before. He didn’t want to kill; he didn’t want to become a murderer. Maybe he could find a job and pay for the bills, his father had friends in high places, and maybe they could help him.
" Ran, it’s late dear," said Nurse Miko who was now on duty.
" Gomen, I lost track of time," said Ran quietly getting up.
" Your coat," said Miko as she handed him the coat. Ran looked at her and then at the coat before managing a small smile.
" I am forgetting things," said Ran before turning to leave Aya’s room.
" You are entitled to it. Do you have somewhere to go?" asked Miko eyeing him quietly.
" Yes, I have a friend. Don’t worry about me," said Ran and he left the room.
While he waited for the elevator to land in the lobby, he was still thinking over what he wanted to do. However, when the doors opened, he knew he had just run out of time.
" Ran," said Manx when she saw the boy coming out of the elevator. Upon seeing her, the boy paled as if he had seen a ghost. She couldn’t blame him, in his position she wouldn’t want to see herself.
" I—I need more time," said Ran hesitantly. The boy was just grabbing at stray straws; he knew he didn’t have time.
" That is not possible," said Manx seriously. Ran studied her a moment longer before he finally answered.
" Then my answer is no," said Ran. " I can’t just go out and kill a person. I haven’t even killed an animal in my whole life. I just can’t, sorry to waste your time." Ran was leaving before Manx took a hold of his wrist, stopping him.
" Do you have somewhere to go?" asked Manx seriously.
" Um… My friend Goushi, I was going to stay with him," said Ran pulling his wrist out of her grasp.
" Haven’t you listened to the news?" asked Manx a bit surprised. Ran gave her a wry smile that seemed to say he had more important things on his mind than watching the news.
" They believe you are dead," said Manx crossing her arms in front of her.
" What?! Why?" asked Ran surprised.
" The person I work for believed that if you were believed dead, you would be safe," said Max quietly. Anger seemed to get hold of Ran; Manx could see how he was controlling himself.
" What the hell is going on? First, my parents get killed. Next thing I know my sister is in a coma and now you are telling me our friends think us dead? Why are you guys fucking with our lives?" hissed Ran seriously.
" Nobody is fucking with you as you so eloquently put it. We are trying to protect you," said Manx getting angry at the boy’s stubbornness.
" Well go tell your boss, he can shove his help up his ass and leave Aya and me the fuck alone," and with that the redhead turned and left.
Returning to the car, Manx entered the passenger seat before the driver turned to ask.
" What’s his answer?" asked Persia still watching Ran’s retreating from.
" He is more stubborn than I gave him credit for," said Manx getting her cell phone out and dialing a number.
" Yes, he will be joining you at the end of the week," said Manx before she hung up.
March 14, 1997.
They say life seems to have a sense of humor, the kind of humor that likes screwing you over when you are finally getting on your feet. Well at least that was Ran’s understanding of life. He had joined Kritiker a week after he had refused Manx’s offer.
It still made him laugh how easily he had given in after he learned that none of his father’s friends would help him. It still made him depressed just to think about it. Two days after he had joined Kritiker, a funeral service was held in his honor. Manx said he had to die if he wanted to be safe, so he had agreed. However, when he went to see his own funeral he regretted that decision. Goushi and Kaori were there crying for him. Goushi even spoke; it almost brought tears to Ran’s eyes to think about it. Almost. He had not shed a single tear for his parents he was not planning to shed one for himself.
After he had joined Kritiker, he had been put under the care of Shion, the leader of what they called the Second Weiss. There wasn’t very much talk about the First Weiss. Knight, Ran’s partner in Crashers had told him, the whole team was annihilated. Ran had been surprised to hear this, it only served to make him more wary of the decision he had made.
Even though the Crashers did not believe in killing, unless threatened, Shion taught him how to use a katana. It calmed Ran to know he didn’t have to kill, it was something he could get used to. And so were his thoughts when Knight entered his room.
" We have a mission, Queen just came by to deliver it," said Knight seriously. When he saw Ran, he lifted his eyes to the ceiling in exasperation.
" Are you wallowing in self-pity again?"
" No," said Ran a little offended at the tone. " I was just thinking. Tomorrow is March 15."
" What about it?"
" It’s the ides of March. Maybe that’s a bad sign."
" Maybe that’s your problem, you think too much Ran," said Knight giving Ran a small smile.
" Hn,"
" Anyway, you should go get something to eat, I will brief you in an hour. The mission is up for tonight," said Knight getting up from Ran’s bed.
" Tonight? Isn’t that a little sudden?" asked Ran walking behind Knight towards the door.
" Yeah, but Bishop has been doing some digging. So basically we are good to go," said Knight.
" Good to go," repeated Ran quietly.
" Bishop, we are a little trapped here," said Knight into hi mouthpiece trying not to sound as nervous as he actually felt.
/How trapped? /
" Enough to need help out of here," said Knight eyeing Ran who was standing beside him with the katana in front of him. "
/Give me ten/
" Try five," said Knight cutting communication.
" Five? You know we can’t even last one more minute in here," said Ran looking at Knight through sweat drenched red bangs.
" Oi, I didn’t say we could get out of here," said Knight visibly frustrated. It was then that Ran saw something move behind of Knight. It was a guard, and he was about to shoot Knight.
Ran just acted on instinct. He slashed his katana through the air, trying to only injure the guy and make him drop the gun.
" Oh, gods Ran, " said Knight when he saw the guard Ran had attacked. The katana had sliced through the man’s chest and at the moment the man was convulsing his life away.
" I—I didn’t…" said Ran not able to speak when he saw that the man he had hurt was dying. Dropping the katana, Ran fell to his knees and was about to reach out to stop the bleeding when Knight stopped him.
" It’s no use," said Knight before pulling Ran up and taking him away from the man. Ran kept looking behind him, looking at the man he had just killed.
" What happened?" asked Bishop when they were in the car.
" Ran was defending himself," said Knight in a tone that told Bishop not to argue anymore.
Ran was just looking at his hands. His life had been turned upside down with that single act. He didn’t even want to look at his katana and find the blood. He couldn’t.
" Well we are here," said Pawn quietly. Ran got out of the car feeling as if he was in a movie. Those that you can see what is going to happen, but the character cannot help falling into tragedy. It was as if the gods were punishing him for backing out of his earlier promise of not joining Kritiker.
" Ran?" asked Knight lightly touching his shoulder.
" Hm?"
" Are you alright?"
" Hai. I am going to take a shower," and he climbed the stairs dragging the katana with him.
Knight and Bishop watched the boy climb up the stairs silently.
" It wasn’t his fault. I wasn’t checking my back," said Knight looking at Bishop.
" We will have to explain this," said Bishop running a hand through his hair.
" I know,"
Ran entered his room quietly and undressed before going into the shower. He had the katana with him. The redhead stood under the spray trying to get his thoughts into some kind of order. It was then that he felt the tears. He would have screamed if he weren’t afraid of alerting the others to his current state of mind. The katana was still in his hand and he could see the now moist blood dripping off it. He looked at it until his vision started blurring. Taking the katana, he put it against his thigh before cutting deeply. It was fitting, almost like the cut he now had in his heart.
" I will always remember,"
It was March 15th, funny he had been thinking about that earlier. Life it seems really does have a sense of humor.
December 24, 1998.
Ran woke up with tears in his eyes, remembering his first kill. He remembered how much that had hurt him. How much he had just wanted to die, anything to prevent him from having to live with the knowledge that he had killed somebody else. It still bothered him, almost like the first sin ever committed. You never quite forget it.
He noticed that he was lying half-naked on his bed. It was by some miracle that he had maintained enough presence of mind to lock the bedroom door last night.
Not that it made any difference, Yohji had gotten to him.
Getting up slowly, Ran noticed that he needed a bath. He felt dirty. Undressing he dragged himself to the bathroom in hopes of beating Ken or Omi. However, the sounds of voices downstairs alerted him to the fact that they’d already conducted their morning routine.
Standing under the water, he subconsciously rubbed the scar on his thigh, a scar that would never go away, either mentally of physically. No matter how much he washed the smell of sex clung to him. No matter what he did, he still feared that Ken or Omi would smell Yohji on him.
With shaking hands he dressed. The black turtleneck and black jeans made him look even paler, he took notice as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. The shaking hands bothered him. They were not a normal thing, at least not for him.
Walking down the stairs, he entered the kitchen quietly until Omi noticed him.
" Ohayo Aya-kun," said Omi in his usually cheery voice.
Ran acknowledged the greeting with a slight nod. Oddly enough, Yohji was already up. Ran’s eyes rested on the blonde only temporarily.
" Mornin’ Aya," said Yohji giving Ran a look over the rim of his cup.
" Aa,"
" Even Yohji beat you today," said Ken smiling. Ran shrugged his shoulders and Omi poured him a cup of tea. Picking up the cup, he noticed his hands still shook. Setting the cup down, he casually placed his hands on the table hoping no one noticed since the others were in a conversation. He didn’t know why today of all days he had chosen to remember about that guard. It was making him jumpy. Lifting his eyes, he saw that Yohji was watching him, in particular his hands. He removed his hands from the table and put them on his lap.
Pushing the cup away Ran said, " I am not really hungry," and started to get up from the table.
" Gomen Omi."
" It’s okay Aya-kun," said Omi smiling. " You better feel better tonight, it’s Christmas Eve."
Ran nodded and almost ran to his room. Once he was inside, he securely locked the door behind him. The last thing he needed right now was for Yohji to come and start bothering him. Going to the closet, he searched until he found a small teddy bear. It had belonged to Aya when she had been little. Surprisingly it had survived the house blast almost unscathed. It had small burns at the ears and legs, but it was complete and it was all that mattered. Walking to his bed, he laid down with the bear in his hands. As he laid, staring at the bear, he thought about his life up till now. What would have happened if he had not killed that man? Maybe he would still be with Crashers and would have never seen Yohji again. Of course that could be a good thing. He wouldn’t have the distracting temptations he had right now. He would have peace of mind. He was starting to fall asleep again, when he heard a small knock. He was about to get up and open the door until he heard who was at the other side.
" Ran, are you okay?" asked Yohji sounding a little concerned.
Good, Ran thought, let him think I am angry. He gave his back to the door, still listening to Yohji at the other side of the door. Somewhere in between, he fell asleep.
Yohji stood at the other side of the door for a while. Ran did not open the door, not that he could blame him, he had gotten a little bit carried away yesterday. Not that he regretted any part of it. He loved the feel of Ran, a sweet kind of naïveté. It made him much more responsive. Last night the redhead had even bitten his lips to prevent himself from crying out. That could have been the first time the redhead had ever climaxed. A smile spread across his face at that thought. He couldn’t hear any movement coming from the inside of the room, so he walked back to his own room. Seeing that the redhead was not planning on going anywhere soon, he grabbed his coat and went out for a walk.
Returning from his walk, that lasted about three hours, Yohji ran into Omi and Ken as they were leaving.
" Yohji-kun," said Omi a little startled. Yohji frowned at this but gave it no further thought.
" Where are you guys going?" asked Yohji dropping the bag he had been carrying.
" We forgot to buy flour for the cake," said Ken smiling. " You would think since we planned of making a cake we would buy the most important ingredient."
" Yeah, you would think," said Yohji tapping a cigarette out. " and Aya?"
" Don’t smoke in the house," said Omi annoyed. " Hasn’t come out of his room."
" Aa," said Yohji starting to get the wine bottles out of the bag.
" Planning on getting drunk?" asked Ken sarcastically.
" Of course," grinned Yohji.
" Well we are leaving," said Omi before he and Ken left.
After putting the drinks in the fridge, the blonde climbed the stairs and stopped outside of Ran’s room. He knocked lightly, but there was no response. He looked at the lock and back at his room. He wanted to leave, but what if something had happened to Ran? What was he going to do? So he picked the lock.
The room was dark and the only sounds were that of Ran’s breathing and the wind knocking the snow off the trees.
"Ran?" whispered Yohji. No response. The guy must have been exhausted to be sleeping like the dead. Getting closer he noticed that Ran was hugging something to his chest. A teddy bear. Yohji smiled, it was just too cute. He lowered his hand to brush red bangs from Ran’s eyes. He looked so peaceful and achingly beautiful. It made Yohji just want to pick him up and kiss him. Ran mumbled something in his sleep, before stretching and dropping the teddy bear, not that Yohji noticed. The blonde was too busy staring at Ran’s abdomen that was showing when Ran had stretched. The spell was broken when Ran opened his eyes.
Ran had been having very weird dreams. It was almost like they were collages of all his memories. Memories of when his family was still alive, Goushi, Kaori, Yohji… Well that had been at the beginning, they later became of all the people he had killed.
It was surprising how much memory his brain managed to keep. At some point he had seen himself as a small child, always trying to impress his father. He could still remember his father’s laugh at the stupid things he used to do. He remembered this really stupid bee costume he had to wear for school. It took him years to live that down, every time company came home his mother thought they should see her cute Ran in a bee suit. He chuckled at that. They had shared happy times, and it had all gone to hell when that bastard Takatori killed them. He would never forgive the man. There had been a time when that would have been possible, but that was a long time ago. Time goes by.
A small sound was nagging at his senses. It was an insistent voice that he recognized. When had he fallen asleep?
Opening his eyes, he was startled to find Yohji mere inches away from his face.
" Yohji?" Ran was sure he had locked his door. " What are you doing here?"
" You had me worried. You slept the day away sweetie," said Yohji before kissing him.
When Ran had opened his eyes, Yohji couldn’t control himself anymore. He wanted the redhead right now and bad. So the most logical idea was to kiss him. So nice that Ran was already in a bed, it would make it so much easier.
" Yohji, what the hell are you doing?" asked Ran pushing at him. " Go away."
" Do I really have to explain? I thought I was being very obvious," said Yohji leaning down to kiss the redhead again.
Ran could only feel his breath catch in his throat when Yohji kissed him again. It was like a sensory overload. He wanted Yohji, but was not ready to admit it. He didn’t even know if he really wanted to have sex with Yohji, it was too complicated. He felt Yohji shift his weight to lie on top of him and could feel the blonde’s erection on his thigh.
" Yohji…stop," said Ran when Yohji broke the kiss to get some air.
" Why?" asked Yohji seriously. " Do I really make you that nervous?"
" I—I don’t know what I want," admitted Ran
" Well then, let’s just make it easier for you," said Yohji giving a predatory smile.
Ran was wary about that smile, well at least when he felt Yohji’s hand opening his jeans. Ran’s breath caught in his throat as Yohji explored him hands and mouth. Yohji was not giving him enough time to get his thoughts in any kind of order.
Ran had started to protest until Yohji put his hand in his pants and took hold of his developing erection. A small sob escaped the redhead as his hips shot up of their own accord.
" Why do you deny you want to do this?" asked Yohji while he kissed Ran’s neck.
Ran was beyond words right now, just clinging to Yohji for all he was worth. Yohji started pumping his organ and Ran hid his face against Yohji’s chest unable to deal with so many conflicting emotions going through his head.
" Yohji…"
" Tell me Ran, tell me you want this," said Yohji releasing his member in order to open his shirt. Once the shirt was open, the blonde started trailing kisses all over the redhead’s chest before taking a nipple into his mouth. Yohji could see how much it was affecting Ran by the rising and falling of the latter’s chest. Small sounds were escaping Ran’s lips and they were making Yohji achingly hard.
Taking hold of Ran’s erection once more, he started pumping Ran while he suckled on Ran’s hard nubs once more. The blonde wanted to drive Ran crazy. Make him reach that point where the only thing that mattered was that it felt good.
Ran almost cried out at the sensation, he wanted Yohji to stop but at the same time didn’t. He couldn’t decide.
" What do you want?" breathed Yohji in his ear. " Just let yourself go, at least this once."
Ran wanted to cry out his frustration, he wanted…
" What do you want?" asked Yohji once again, but this time he grazed a finger through the head of his erection.
Ran’s hips shot up at the sensation. He could feel Yohji smirking on his neck while blonde did it again, and again.
" Do you want me to stop?" asked Yohji looking at him before kissing him again. " What do you want? You know what I want? I want to make love to you, do you want the same?"
Ran couldn’t answer; he was silent trying to bring his breathing back to normal. Wanting very much to be able to control his body.
" Do you want the same thing I want?" asked Yohji grazing once more his finger over Ran’s erection.
Ran couldn’t take it anymore.
" Do you want what I want to give you?" said Yohji pumping his erection and kissing his nipples.
Finally Ran could distantly hear himself sob out, " Yes, yes…"
TBC...