Amethyst eyes lowered to stare at trembling hands Ran couldn’t stop from shaking. He felt like he was going crazy and having an overprotective boyfriend was not helping him. It was bad enough that he had to keep hiding his breakdown from the blonde when they usually slept in the same room, but now he also had to hide the fact that the German had started talking to him again.

When he had first mentioned it to Yohji, the blonde hadn’t liked it. How was he to tell him that Schuldich was reminding him of that which he feared the most? It was just like Schuldich to do that. To try to drive him insane, if he wasn’t already .

He kept seeing Knight everywhere, in his dreams, when he was awake, it was getting to the point that Ran could no longer tell the difference between the two. But still that wasn’t the worst thing; it was the fact that after seeing the dagger in his drawer he couldn’t remember a thing. Especially where he had put it.

That lack of control scared him; not having felt that way in years not ever since Knight…

Now he had to find a way to keep himself together even though he could feel himself starting to fall apart at the seams.

Trembling lips murmured, "What am I going to do?" as the redhead started pulling at his hair. The dagger had to be somewhere but where? He could feel himself gasping; it was getting hard to breathe. Where was it?!? It was that last question that was driving him crazy. What would happen if Ken, Omi, or Yohji saw it? Crap.

Letting go of his hair the redhead sank to the floor thinking about what he was going to do. Yohji wouldn’t find out, couldn’t find out no matter what he did. The blonde wasn’t going to find out what was tormenting him.

"Hey, what’re you doing?"

Ran’s heart started beating faster, his breathing spiking up. This is ridiculous, it wasn’t as if Yohji could read his mind. No need to be so frightened, but he was.

"No…nothing, I was just looking for some papers," mumbled the redhead as he ordered himself to calm down. It was Schuldich who was doing this to him, he knew it. That fucking telepath was trying to drive him crazy. Knight was dead, he had seen the corpse first hand. Knight was dead.

Yohji gave him a weird look before sitting on the bed.

There was light coming through the window making Ran wince at how much time he had slept. Why had he woken up? Well maybe the pills he took had something to do with it. At least while asleep he could forget about what had happened. Knight could be dead for all he knew and his whole team was destroyed. The thought made bile rise up his throat. As far as he knew nobody had survived and there was no way that he could go back to their house. Bishop had said they had been compromised. Who the hell would do that? How? They had been so careful, never taking missions that would attract too much attention. Crashers had always been carefully what with being unable to kill their targets and all. But in the end it had all been for nothing, they were dead and the person who had the least amount of experience was alive and on his own. It made Ran nervous, what was he going to do to get out of this?

Sighing he scratched his head ridding himself of all the hair that had fallen onto his face. A small sob escaped him before he lifted his hands to his mouth in order to stifle other sobs. Curling in on himself, Ran tried to control the tremors that attacked his body. He would not cry, he wasn’t a girl to cry because of this. So what if his whole team had been completely wiped out? He would go on. He had to. Breathing heavily, Ran tried to control his breathes feeling like his heart was about to burst out of his chest.

"Okay, Ran calm yourself," mumbled the redhead as he tried to compose himself. It wasn’t the end of the world. All he had to do was get himself together and then contact Kritiker directly. Shouldn’t be such a big deal since Kritiker used to contact him directly before he joined Crashers.

Getting up Ran entered the bathroom to splash some water onto his face to wake himself up. He didn’t know whether it was some remnant effect of the drugs or if his body was simply exhausted from having run on an adrenaline high for so long. He looked like crap, there were dark circles under his eyes and he looked paler than normal. That was without mentioning the bruises he had about his person. The escape had been anything but easy.

Ran shrugged a bit instantly regretting the move as his aching shoulder decided to make its presence known. "Shower…have to take a shower."

Turning on the showerhead, he started peeling off his clothes carefully trying to be mindful of aching limbs. He had never been in so much pain before…scratch that, he had…

The showerhead was doing its job of loosening stiff muscles and quieting his thoughts. He had to stop thinking about Knight, what if the guy was alive and he was here cooped up taking a shower while Knight waited for him? That thought more than anything was what bothered him. The rest of his team he knew were dead but Knight….Knight was not certain and being uncertain is worse than knowing.

He would go look for Knight even if he was compromised; the thought of leaving Knight out there fighting for his life was too much. Even if it was his mind that was making him come up with all these distorted versions of what had befallen his teammate.

With that thought in mind he began the process of washing his hair and body trying to get some energy back in it.

Stepping out of the shower, the redhead dressed with some clothes that had been kept in the house just in case an emergency such as this presented itself.

Finally dressed on a green t-shirt and jeans, he padded to the kitchen to make himself some tea. The simple thought of food made his stomach painfully constrict. There was no way in hell that he would be able to eat. At least not now.

Donning a coat and sunglasses, the redhead walked out of the house to pick up a car and go looking for Knight. He had to be somewhere or at least a body or something. Stopping at a gas station Ran made sure to read the newspaper while filling his gas tank. Maybe they would mentioned what had happened two days ago and then Ran would have a clue where to start looking. But there was nothing, even though the building they had been in was destroyed. Somebody was really going out of their way to make sure that nothing else showed that Crashers had existed. Which meant that he was a target being the only one that had survived. Damn it!

Lifting his eyes toward the sky he squinted a bit as he tried to decide what he was going to do.

"Sir?"

Whirling about, the redhead came face to face with an old man who was holding his hand out for some money. Willing his heart to calm down the redhead gave him an awkward smile before giving him some change. He was too jumpy, sighing he got into his car driving toward the burnt building. Parking, he walked toward the spot where he had seen Knight’s blood the night before but there was none. It had been washed away and as much as Ran had been out of it last night he would’ve remembered if it had rained. Someone had washed the blood off…

This was getting creepier by the minute. What the hell was he supposed to do now?

Later that night he would have his answer.

"Aya-kun, do you have a moment?"

Ran stopped with one foot out the door waiting to see what was so important that the blonde would stop him from leaving. But the boy was saying nothing just staring at him with a confused expression searching his face for what…Ran didn’t know. Omi was still staring at him.

Amethyst eyes narrowed in annoyance, "Omi? What?"

The blonde jumped a bit startled, "Oh Yes! Umm, I don’t mean to intrude but I was wondering if you were feeling okay? You seemed…you looked…I mean…"

"Hn, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it," said Ran walking out of the house. Now everybody was going to be on his case because he went ballistic the last time. Crap, he should have never done that but Yohji and Schuldich…remembering Knight…it was driving him nuts. He needed to go see Aya and ground himself. Once he saw her he would remember again why he was doing this. Why he had become a monster.

Getting into his car, the redhead decided he would spend the afternoon out, that way he wouldn’t run into his roommates or Yohji who more than likely would chase him until he got back into his pants. Not that Ran could complain, not with how much he loved the feeling of Yohji on top of him or his touch. That more than anything bothered the redhead, how he became a bundle of sensitive nerves whenever Yohji touched him. He shouldn’t be able to feel anything for the playboy; Ran had thought that these last four years had killed his ability to feel. Well obviously he could still feel lust, not love. Never love…love was for deluded fools that looked for something worth living for. Ran already had something to live for, revenge. No need in adding a useless emotion to that. It had bitten him in the ass when he was a young naïve boy; he wasn’t about to allow himself to fall in love. Never, never and that was going to happen if Yohji kept getting at him. Sighing, the redhead knew what he had to do, he had to break off from Yohji. Had to put his idiotic high school crush behind him. Because it was a crush, wasn’t it?

Shaking his head, Ran decided to put the matter to rest now that he had arrived at his sister’s hospital.

"Ohayo Fujimiya-kun," said a young nurse as she recognized the redhead who constantly visited his sister.

"Ohayo," mumbled Ran, "How is she doing today?"

The young brunette nurse gave him an understanding smile, "Nothing’s changed. I’m sorry."

"No, it’s okay," said Ran shaking his head a bit, "At least she’s not getting worse, ne?"

"Hai," said the nurse with a sunny smile. "You look a bit better yourself."

At that Ran sobered up a bit, he couldn’t look or feel better as long as his sister was slowly wasting her life away in a hospital bed.

"H—Hai, ano…thank you," said the redhead walking off and into his sister’s room. She looked lovely as always, peaceful in face of his torment. Almost as if she were a picture failing to change with him. On the contrary , he had gone against everything that had been taught to him. He was a killer, a sinner who even if he managed to get his revenge and Aya to wake he would still suffer the consequences.

Pulling a chair, Ran sat beside his sister’s bed flicking some stray hair from her face, "Aya…how are you today? I’m…better. These few weeks have been a bit rough. I don’t know what to do. It’s…is it right? To feel happy? To…to feel wanted? It’s all Yohji’s fault, he should’ve left me alone." A bitter laugh escaped Ran’s lips; it wasn’t fair. He wished he would’ve died along with his family then he wouldn’t have to put up with this endless torture.

Sighing, Ran laid his head on the bed over his sister’s hand. Her hand felt warm, alive, making him ache for her all the more. "I miss you so much. Please come back to me…please…"

Yohji woke up to an empty bed, not that it was anything surprising but he had been hoping that the redhead would’ve slept in a bit longer. No problem, the blonde had an idea as to where the elusive redhead had taken himself. To confess…as it were a sin to feel love for someone, not that Yohji was going to enlighten the redhead to that fact. He wasn’t that stupid.

Oh well another day, at least now he could pounce on the redhead whenever he felt like it. He had finally found Ran’s weakness, so simple that it embarrassed the blonde to think that it had taken him so long to figure out. As long as he overwhelmed the redhead, Ran had no chance. Anyone who had more practice in the area of seduction would be able to control themselves but Ran was too new, too green to know what to do when presented with an overeager lover.

"A great day…" mumbled the blonde as he stretched sore muscles bending down to pick up his boxers and pad to the bathroom.

He heard the shower running before entering the bathroom.

"I’m coming in!," he yelled before stepping into the bathroom to relieve himself.

"It’s nice that you woke up lazy ass," said Ken from inside the shower.

"Bite me," mumbled the blonde as he washed his hands. "Have you seen Aya?"

"Umm…I think Omi was going to talk to him, my bet is that he got out of that."

A small chuckle was his answer.

"What’s wrong with him? Not that I like the guy very much but he has been acting weirder that normal."

Yohji hummed a bit while brushing his teeth. There was no reason for all of their teammates to know about Ran, not that he could say that he knew. Nobody knew who Aya was. Yohji could understand Ran, but not Aya. Aya had a few psychoses to deal with.

"I have no idea Ken-ken. The guy has issues as all of us do if not we wouldn’t be in this situation."

"I guess…but I’m still worried."

"Then you should be nice to him."

Ken laughed at that, "I’m worried about the guy, but what you’re asking is an impossibility."

"You’re a prick…"

"Well I’m not sleeping with the guy so I can’t share your opinions of him."

Yohji sputtered at that, well maybe he shouldn’t. Both he and Ran had tried to be quiet about it but their roommates weren’t stupid. It had only been a matter of time before they found out.

"I—I met him before, when he was younger…"

Ken looked out the shower curtain at this, "What?"

Yohji smiled wryly, "I got shot and he helped me to the hospital…I had seen him before because he worked at a restaurant. He was so different…naïve…when I first met Omi he reminded me of Aya."

"Oh, really? He’s an ass now."

Yohji had to laugh at that, "Yes…something happened to him."

"Mmm…maybe he had to. We all had to at one point…to survive…"

" I know."

"Hey beautiful," said the blonde as he sauntered into the redhead’s room. Ran narrowed his eyes, lips set into a thin line of annoyance. So now he had to put up with Yohji.

"What do you want? I’m busy."

The blonde stopped, an arm halfway to his hair as he looked at Ran with something the redhead didn’t want to admit. Then the amused smile was back.

"Well, I thought we could play a bit."

The nerve of that idiot! Dumping his work clothes on the bed, Ran walked to lock the door before giving his back to Yohji and starting to undress. He knew the blonde was watching, could feel the heat at the back of his head but at the moment he didn’t give a damn. He was too annoyed to be thinking about anything else except getting the mission done and over with.

He had taken his jeans off when Yohji walked up to him embracing him from behind.

"Sweetie, what’s wrong?"

"Nothing. I’m trying to change."

Golden tanned arms tightened around him as Yohji started nuzzling at his neck, "I worry about you. You’re always on some trip…"

Ran fought the grip, "I never asked you to. I asked you to leave me alone, but you couldn’t leave it…You had to keep bothering me."
The blonde released him then, turning his body to face him. There was a frown marring his handsome features, it almost made Ran laugh. How out of place a frown looked in Yohji’s face.

"It really bothers you. Why? I thought you were attracted to me."

Ran had the grace to blush at that comment since it was true. Still it didn’t mean that he was happy about it.

Lowering his eyes, the redhead transferred his glare to the wooden floor. It wasn’t Yohji’s fault, it was his own weakness coming to bite him in the ass, "I…I don’t know how I feel…"

"Well I do," and with that Yohji’s lips lowered to kiss his own with a barely restrained intensity that had Ran groaning at the sensation. As much as he hated to admit it, Ran loved feeling Yohji’s body move against his own.

"I need you. I do…" and then Yohji was yanking Ran’s boxers down his legs and taking him into his mouth. Ran’s back hit the wall painfully but at the moment he didn’t care, he had Yohji’s wonderful mouth driving him crazy. Groaning loudly, pale hands reached to grip Yohji’s shoulders in order to control himself. Ken and Omi were in the house; they couldn’t be doing this…they shouldn’t be…

"Stop…" but Yohji continued as if he hadn’t said a word. Hands kept on teasing him with their almost non-existent flow up and down his legs and in between his thighs. He started whimpering then, wanting to reach that crescendo that only Yohji could drive him to. Wanted to get there before he did or said something he would regret, but then it stopped. Yohji looked at him, lips swollen, lust and need shining out of those jade eyes and Ran would have given him anything he asked for and Yohji knew. He knew but said nothing, instead getting a thick tube out of his pocket and bending between Ran’s legs before squeezing some into his hand to coat the puckered entrance. He inserted a finger spreading a bit of lube before pulling out the digit and coating his own aching arousal.

"Why? Why do you do this to me?" Ran didn’t have a chance to answer as the blonde urged pale legs around his legs and started thrusting into the lithe body pressed against the wall. Breathing ragged, Ran looked for something to hold on to sinking his fingers into the blonde’s shoulders, as he had nowhere else to grip.. And then Yohji started moving, it was fast, brutal and oh so sweet. Ran couldn’t remember ever losing this much control before. The pain and pleasure mixing, heightening his arousal, that and his member trapped between their bodies. He bit his lips to keep back the moans but whenever he did this Yohji would pound into him harder hitting his sweet spot.

"Yohji…I…"

The blonde kissed him savagely before transferring his lips to his neck and biting hard. Ran could care less at the moment, more intent on the feeling of Yohji sliding in and out of him and then he came trembling violently as a long mewl escaped his lips. Yohji wasn’t far behind, coming with a hard shove and long groan before emptying himself inside the redhead’s body.

They stood there, Ran’s back against the wall as they tried to get their breathing under control, their sweat cooling, bodies sticky and heavy now that they were sated.

Long fingers brushed red sweat-licked bangs off his face before gentle lips closed over his own, "Ran…I…"

"I have to take a shower," coherency coming rapidly now that lust wasn’t controlling him.

"Yeah," said the blonde as he slid out causing Ran to wince. "You okay?"

Ran only grabbed his towel to wrap in around his waist, "I always am."

An exasperated sigh was his response.

Another day, another mission, the only difference was that Aya wasn’t at the top of his game. He was distracted; making simple mistakes that even Ken the clumsiest of all of them would avoid doing.

"Damn it…" mumbled the redhead under his breath as he followed behind Ken toward the storage room. Omi had said that there was a computer inside that room that detailed all the activities of the drug ring they were trying to dismantle. But how could he concentrate when he was fucking jumping at shadows every two seconds?

Constantly thinking about what he was going to do, whether Schuldich was around lying in wait in order to distract him at the first opportunity. That was not mentioning the fact that Ken was annoyed at him, giving odd looks above his shoulder as if he were about to go kamikaze on everybody.

Not that Ran didn’t feel like doing that exactly, but he had more pressing issues at the moment, like paying attention to what he was supposed to be doing.

"Abyssian…are you okay?" asked Yohji looking at him with a tightly veiled expression.

The blonde was worried. Ran almost felt like laughing, it was a bit late to be worrying about him. He was going insane; Yohji was more interested in getting into his pants than his sanity. Ken wanted to kill him half the time and Omi switched between being concerned and frustrated at him. This life…this life was becoming too predictable and he was so tired of having to constantly fight something predictable.

"Aa, worry about the mission."

Something sparked in those jade colored eyes before the blonde grabbed his arm, "We will talk when this is done."

Ran narrowed his eyes in anger if not a bit of suspicion. Why did Yohji always assume that he had the right to get after him? Just because he knew him before it didn’t give him the right. Arrogant bastard, he still hadn’t forgotten how the idiot had marked him. Now he was going to sport a hickey under his ear, so if both Ken and Omi hadn’t been sure he was sleeping with Yohji now they would be.

"You mean fuck me?" He didn’t wait for the answer as he slid along a dark passageway to take his position before the mission began. He finally picked a spot partly concealed by some wooden craters and the enveloping darkness…breathing spiking as the adrenaline high was starting to pick up.

Ran exhaled a bit feeling his body fall into mission mode. It was the kind of calm achieved after years of killing, a type of disconnectedness that allowed him to kill and not go insane by it. [Calm, calm…you can do this Fujimiya. Just forget about everything; simply remember the feel of the sword. Its purpose]

So when Omi gave the order his body automatically sprang into action. He was acting on autopilot; his body moving as he slashed down guards left and right not giving himself a moments pause.

He had to keep moving for stopping could mean certain death, more so when he was so distracted. He could hear his other teammates through his earpiece but whatever they said made no sense to him at the moment. He had to finish, get out of this building and go visit his sweet sister. Needed to see her just to know that he was till human. That he wasn’t a monster.

#Abyssian, Bombay is almost done. #

"Okay."

Turning he surveyed his surroundings, there was no one standing. The thought that he had killed so many people without noticing made him gasp as if punched in the stomach. No way. The floor was littered with bodies, he couldn’t…he wasn’t…

It was then that it happened, the redhead turned at the sound of some steps only to come face to face with…

"Hello Ran…"

"No…"

"What? Is it so impossible to believe?"

"You can’t…I killed you."

"Ah, yes. How could I forget? I told you I would never forget and I always keep my promises." Knight’s laugh echoed in his mind blocking another sound, it sounded as if someone was screaming his name but he didn’t have time to dwell on it as intense pain flared up from his chest and darkness enveloped him.

"Shit! Shit!"

"Bombay! Abyssian is down, we have to get out of here!"

#Nani?!? Okay, I’ll meet you outside. #

"Okay."

Trembling hands brushed hair from a sweat-licked face. "Aya? Can you hear me?"

Lowering his head, the blonde listened to a breathing Ran thankfully…and there was no gurgling sound so no punctured lung. Thank the gods…He opened the coat then to see the bullet wound, it had gone straight through that would make it easier to fix.

"Fuck! Yohji, what the hell was he standing there for?!?" Ken usually started screaming when he was worried. Yohji paid no attention more concerned in getting a response out of the redhead not succeeding.

"We have to get out of here. Get his legs…"

"No, I can carry him," said the blonde bending to pick up Ran, "Just make sure that the coast is clear. We have to get him to a hospital."

Ken nodded trying to hide his fear, now fear and guilt coiled in his stomach as he remembered what he said about the redhead. Yes, he had issues with Aya but that didn’t mean he wanted the man dead.

"Okay…" [Aya please hold on.]

A moan escaped the redhead when he was moved, fresh blood trickling down his coat. Damn it! If they didn’t hurry up his lover was going to go into shock because of blood loss.

Stepping outside Omi was waiting for them in the car driving off as soon as the three of them were securely seated in. Then they were rushing to the hospital, Yohji tightly clutching his lover while murmuring soothing words. Telling his lover to hold on that everything will be fine…that he loves him…

"Yohji…let them get him…" The blonde blinked staring at the brunette as if he had grown a new head.

"Yohji…" murmured Omi as he and Ken tried to pry his hands off his lover, "Not here Yohji-kun...not here."

That made him let go of Ran just to see how they put his lover on a stretcher hammering down the fact that he might loose Ran before being carted away.

TBC...

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