Author: White Kiss - PG-13 - English - Romance
Winter ~ Forever White: Epilogue //Youji&Aya//
Notes:
Weiss Kreuz is property of Koyasu Takehito, Kyoko
Tsuchiya, Marine Entertainment, and Project Weiss.
This fic was inspired by a lot of Savage Garden.
- White Kiss [formerly Rina Garet]
03/25/02, 4:12 pm
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Aya stared straight ahead, not looking one inch left or right. He stared straight at Youji. He wasn't afraid. He wasn't. Not the slightest bit.
Of course he wasn't afraid. That would be stupid.
This was Youji. He was over Youji completely. Utterly. Sure, he thought about him once in a while, but that meant absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. He wasn't dwelling on their past relationships. On past feelings. On past emotions.
On past love.
Youji stared straight ahead, not looking one inch left or right. He stared straight at Aya. He wasn't afraid. He wasn't. Not the slightest bit.
Of course he wasn't afraid. That would be stupid.
This was Aya. He still loved Aya desperately. Utterly. He thought about him all the time, and he meant everything. He couldn't get over the past relationships. Past feelings. Past emotions.
Past love.
Aya lied to himself.
Denied himself.
Refused himself.
Youji admitted his feelings.
Accepted them.
Indulged them.
Neither of them could forget.
Like a soft kiss, a pair of synchronized, whispered words touched separate pairs of lips.
"… Youji."
"… Aya."
Another stare, eyes turning away at the last moment, unable to hold the gaze any longer for fear of what they'd find there.
Aya knew what Youji was thinking. Youji knew what Aya was thinking.
Words of love, words of repentance, words of reconciliation hung on their lips. But neither of them let them pass. They remained unsaid, but not un-noticed.
A spark of remembrance simultaneously flickered in gemstone eyes. Amethyst and emerald. For one moment, the past came alive, and time stood still.
"Youji…"
"Aya…"
Thoughts overlapped, words ceased.
Each knew what the other meant, without words. Without lines. Without pre-rehearsed equivalents of speech that meant absolutely nothing to spontaneous hearts.
They were face to face. Heart to heart. Words may have been glazed over, but blazing glares of desperate eyes never missed a beat.
Not a single word was spoken, at first.
Their eyes revealed the complete story that begged to be told.
Piece by piece, love was unraveled.
When it lay bare, alone, and begging for desperate company, it was joined by anger, longing, and denial.
All elements mixed into one wonderfully complex chance that desperate jade eyes took without hesitation.
And gave in to wondering amethyst.
"Hey, Aya." The words sounded casual, but were completely the opposite. Youji fought to keep his composure, which inwardly failed him.
They were past fear. Past apprehension. They stared each other square in the face, denying all emotion.
Something broke, in one singular moment.
Floodgates opened, and tides ran free.
Youji looked at Aya, and emerald regarded amethyst in a near venerable fashion.
"I love you."
Aya was quiet. Amethyst was hesitant. Amethyst lay silent.
Emerald implored amethyst to speech. Amethyst was reluctant. Finally, it spoke.
Amethyst told emerald of all it had missed. Emerald told amethyst what a fool it had been. Amethyst smiled a bittersweet smile. Emerald held amethyst close.
Emerald and amethyst shattered.
"Aya."
Youji took the first step.
Youji uttered the first word.
Youji let the silence know exactly what it was he mourned. And Aya heard.
No more could emerald and amethyst linger on their own. The time was past letting inanimate objects cultivate emotion.
Enough of hiding.
Enough of shielding.
Enough of being afraid that it couldn't be understood.
Couldn't be felt.
Couldn't be matched.
Enough of everything.
"I…"
"I…"
Amethyst and emerald met.
Amethyst and emerald understood.
Aya and Youji understood.
Slender fingers tangled in crimson hair.
A slender waist writhed under slender fingers.
A shallow sigh met a shallow sigh.
Amethyst teardrops slid down ivory cheeks. Emerald tears wept from milky eyes.
Amethyst and crimson became one. Emerald and gold became one. Love and loss became one.
What was loved became real. What was lost became real. Realization dawned in gemstone morning.
Arms entwined, before they could realize. Lips met, before they could feel. Eyes met, before they could see. Hearts met, before everything else.
Hearts joined, and melded.
After winters apart, they melted the frost of loneliness. They melted the frost of forgotten memory. They melted the frost of careless abandon.
They melted the frost, and joined as one.
As one, as two, as seventeen.
The parts no longer mattered.
The whole screamed completion and beauty. Fullness and life. Gemstone and daybreak and starlight and dusk.
They had everything before them. The sun, moon, sky, and stars. Infinite chances to replace what was lost, infinite regret for what couldn't be replaced.
And infinite desire to not repeat the same mistakes.
Morning sun was glowing pearl, evening moon like onyx. In between, lay everything else, from ruby to sapphire, to amethyst, to emerald. Each had their moment, each had their meaning. Each had their message carved inside its soul, like dew on morning roses.
Even while the dew faded, the morning and evening remained still. Saved by the light, saved by the dark, preserved by the median that understands both.
"I love you, Aya."
Someone had to be the first to speak.
Youji's words rang clear, in winter morning, gathered dust like fairy tales, and took off into afternoon on fairy wings.
Aya did not speak.
Aya did not move.
Aya thought, and felt, and wondered.
Right now, where was he?
He was with Youji. He had agreed to meet Youji. It had been over a year since the separation, and he felt ready to deal with everything real again.
Except Youji.
Youji held him close.
Youji whispered words of love.
Youji let happiness and failure pass by.
Aya let Youji hold him close.
Aya let Youji whisper words of love.
Aya let Youji brush away happiness and failure, and start a clean slate.
Fingers brushed, ever so softly.
Foreheads touched, ever so softly.
Lips joined, ever so softly.
A touch, a whisper, a kiss. Emerald was returned to full splendor.
A touch, a whisper, a kiss. Amethyst was returned to full splendor.
Love was returned to full splendor.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~
Soft lips.
Soft hands.
Soft words.
Declarations of soft love, soft promise.
Perfection, tucked away beneath a wreath of fear, slid beneath a wave of apprehension, layered beneath denials, betrayals, lies.
The truth always surfaces forward.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~
"I love you, Aya."
Youji said it again, reluctantly… as though he were holding something back. The words spilled forth in a sudden declaration, a sudden confession, carrying more than their outright meaning.
Memories and phone calls.
One more kiss, and then goodbye, and memories can cover up the remainder.
More was too much to hope for.
That would be enough.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~
How had it ever come to this moment?
Aya tried to remember.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~
Youji had called. Aya had let the answering machine pick up. And for some reason, he had decided not to cut Youji off, this time.
"Listen, Aya. I don't know what you want me to say. I don't know what you want me to feel. But I love you. I miss you. And if I can see you once more, then maybe I can move on. Maybe we both can."
Aya thought about that message for a while. He let it record on his answering machine, and played it over and over again.
It was a long time before he truly thought about it.
And he thought about it for a long time.
And then he called.
"Youji."
"Hey, Aya."
"…"
"Long time, huh?"
"…"
"Say something, would you?"
"Hello."
"I was hoping for a little more than that."
"Well what the hell DID you hope for me to say, Youji?
"Oh, for you to say what a moron you've been, and say that you're going to rush right over here so I can screw you into the mattress like old times? What the fuck do you THINK I'm hoping for?"
"I know what you're hoping for. And the answer is no."
"Why?"
"Why, what?"
"Why won't you give me a chance?"
"Why should I?"
"Because."
"Because?"
"Because." Youji's voice was soft. "Because I love you, you fucking idiot."
There was a soft click, and dial tone was all that Aya heard. He clamped shaking fingers tightly around the telephone, not hanging it up just yet, simply listening to the dial tone. He pressed the 'off' button on the cordless receiver, and it stopped abruptly, leaving everything eerily silent.
He pressed play, on the answering machine.
"Listen, Aya. I don't know what you want me to say. I don't know what you want me to feel. But I love you. I miss you. And if I can see you once more, then maybe I can move on. Maybe we both can."
He blinked.
He pressed rewind. He pressed play again.
"Listen, Aya. I don't know what you want me to say. I don't know what you want me to feel. But I love you. I miss you. And if I can see you once more, then maybe I can move on. Maybe we both can."
He held the phone tighter, and left it on the cradle. He picked up his cell phone from the table, put it in his pocket, and headed for the front door. Walking out into a snowy, blustery night, he pulled his jacket close for warmth. He didn't bother with the hat. He wasn't going to try and hide tonight.
The door clicked softly shut behind him, and when he was finally too far away from the house to hear, the telephone rang again.
The answering machine picked up.
"Aya. Listen, I'm sorry I called. It was stupid and I won't bother you any more."
Soft click. Green light on the answering machine, light beep signaling a new message.
But Aya was gone.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~
Aya stood quietly outside the Koneko, winter breeze blowing crimson red locks into his eyes. His hands were nestled deeply inside his pockets, fingers wrapped tightly around the cell phone he'd carried along with him.
He knew what he wanted to do.
He knew what he needed to do.
He just had to do it.
Shaking fingers withdrew the phone.
Shaking fingers pressed familiar buttons.
One ring. Two rings. Three rings. Youji always waited three rings.
"Hey?"
The familiar, soft voice answered casually. Aya swallowed.
"Come outside." It was all he could manage without choking. He hoped it was enough.
Youji stood in his room, bewildered.
He threw on his coat and went downstairs, and came out of the flower shop's front entrance. He blinked his eyes, stinging with cold, and looked around.
What was he supposed to come out here for? Why had he even bothered, just because Aya called him up and told him to come outside? God, he was THAT hung up over him.
In self-disgust, Youji started to turn to go back inside and just forget this entire stupid thing.
"Youji."
Aya's voice stopped him.
He turned and looked, and there, across the street, beside the frosted lamppost, Aya stood. He deliberately walked across the street, and stopped half a dozen feet from Youji.
~*~ ~*~ ~*~
So here they were.
The unexpected had happened.
Aya had let Youji back into his heart.
"I love you, Aya."
Youji was prepared for him to turn away. Prepared for him to just leave, like he had before, but he prayed at least this time, Aya would say goodbye.
A kiss.
A goodbye.
It would have to be enough.
Instead, Aya reached up with shaky fingers, and brushed the snowflakes from Youji's hair.
Words touched Aya's lips that Youji would have never thought possible.
"I'm sorry."
Youji took it as it was given. He didn't press, he didn't ask for an explanation, he didn't wait for more. He simply nodded, and accepted it.
Fingers that were still brushing snowy blond hair tightened, and Aya pressed his mouth to Youji's in a soft, apologetic kiss.
A tear trickled down an ivory cheek, and warm fingers brushed it away.
"I don't love you."
Youji felt his heart sink a little, but it held fast. It was what he expected. What he had been waiting to hear. At least it was an answer.
"Aya, you-"
Before he could finish, Aya blurted out.
"But … but I want to."
Youji didn't speak, simply held him close. Aya did speak, his words muffled against Youji's shoulder.
"… Will you… help?"
Youji brushed back a strand of cold crimson hair that had gone astray.
"I can't promise anything else, but I promise that I'll try, if you'll promise me one thing in return."
Aya looked up, slightly curious. "What?"
"Get rid of your answering machine."
A soft kiss was the only answer Youji needed.