| Histoires pour informaticiens |
Bill G. in Purgatory...
Bill G. dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory,
being sized up by God....
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously
helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America,
yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something
I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide
where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if
it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach
with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing
in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining;
the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want
to see heaven!"
"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in
the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing.
It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick
minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell,"
he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill G. went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire
to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill,
shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being
burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and
disappointment,"This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I
visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What
happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful
women playing in the water????"
"Oh, that," said God. "That was the demo."
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Bill G. (c'est qui?...) arrive au paradis. (enfin diront certains, mais, ne medisons pas...) il se retrouve face a st pierre qui en bon chretien :-) lui donne le choix entre le paradis en l'enfer. Bill fait la visite du paradis: pas folichon. Des petits anges tout de blanc vetus joue sur leur lyre, il fait humide, toutes les stations tourne sous linux... IL prend l'ascenseur, se fait recevoir par le diable qui lui presente son empire. Merveille. Une plage blanche, la mer bleue, du vin et toutes les sortes de bieres connues, des filles superbes dansant sur la plage... Bill craque. Une annee passe. St pierre s'inquietant a son sujet se decide a descendre en enfer pour voir comment se passe le purgatoire pour son ancien pretendant. Arrive en bas, les cris de Bill dechire l'atmosphere, des hurlements de douleur s'echappe de la porte de fer. St pierre entre et decouvre notre Bill embroche, souffrant le martyr entoure de petits diablotins aussi puants que cruels... Bill exorte: ST PIERRE MAIS QU'EST CE QUI CE PASSE !!! tout etait beau! je m'installe et la , HORREUR, c'est vraiment devenu l'enfer !!! Et la le diable, sort d'une grotte et lui glisse a l'oreille: dit donc Bill, c'est pas a toi qu'on va apprendre ce que c'est une demo...
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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill G. reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry, we'd all
be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
General Motors released the following statement:
If Microsoft built cars. . .
1.Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.
2.Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
3.Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and
fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange
reason, you would accept this too.
4.You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5.MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only
run on 5% of the roads.
6.The MacIntosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to
their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7.The oil, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
single "general car default" warning light.
8.New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9.The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10.If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what
happened.
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Si Microsoft était une voiture ... 1. A chaque fois qu'on referait la signaletique des routes, il faudrait acheter une nouvelle voiture. 2.Occasionnellement, le moteur de votre voiture s'arreterait alors que vous seriez sur l'autoroute, sans aucune raison. Acceptez cet etat de choses, redemarrez et reprenez la route. 3.De temps en temps, en faisant une manoeuvre, votre moteur s'arreterait et ne voudrait plus redemarrer. Il vous faudrait alors reinstaller le moteur. C'est etrange mais le fait est a accepter aussi. 4.Vous ne pourriez avoir qu'une seule personne dans la voiture a la fois, a moins d'avoir un modele 95 ou un modele NT. Mais a ce moment la, il vous faudra acheter des sieges supplementaires. 5. Apple ferait aussi des voitures, qui fonctionnerait a l'energie solaire, qui serait plus fiables, plus rapides, et beaucoup plus simples a conduire ... Mais uniquement sur 5% des routes. 6.Les possesseurs de voiture apple pourraient acheter des pieces des voitures microsoft qui auraient pour effet de rendre leur voiture plus lente. 7.Les temoins d'alerte pour l'huile, la temperature, le carburant, les plaquettes de freins et l'alternateur seraient remplaces par un seul temoin generique appele temoin d'alerte pour < Probleme dans la voiture. 8. Le passionnes de voiture seraient a chaque fois excites par les nouveaux gadgets et les nouvelles fonctionnalites des voitures microsoft, oubliant completement que ces fonctionnalites existent sur d'autres modeles de voitures depuis plusieurs annees. 9. Tout le monde devrait bientot acheter du carburant et de l'huile microsoft sous peine de risquer de couler une bielle. 10. Le nouveaux sieges microsoft obligeraient tout le monde a avoir une taille de cul standard. 11.L'airbag vous demanderait < etes-vous sur ? > avant de se gonfler. 12. Si vous avez un crash, vous n'auriez aucune idee de ce qui vous serait arrive. 13. Pour vous eviter d'envisager de changer pour une autre marque de voiture, microsoft vous offrirait chaque annee un nouveau train de pneu Explorer gratuit. 14. Les voitures microsoft seraient livres en standard avec un auto-radio-K7 qui ne permettrait que l'ecoute des cassettes microsoft et ne capterait que la frequence de microsoft FM. 15. Si vous desirez rouler sur l'autoroute a cote d'autre voitures, il vous faudrait faire une retour de la voiture en usine pour modifications (payantes). 16. Les derniers moteurs microsoft seraient des 32 cylindres a 4 turbos, mais encore construit avec des embrayages de 2CV. 17. Les constructeurs de routes en arriveraient meme a donner des voitures microsoft gratuitement. 18. Les voitures microsoft seraient les plus faciles a voler du monde. 19. Mais ce serait une strategie commerciale voulue par la firme elle-meme. 20. Donc, si vous vouliez une voiture microsoft sans en avoir les moyens, vous n'auriez qu'a emprunter celle de votre voisin. 21. Au bout de six mois, il serait impossible de trouver des pieces detachees, d'avoir un depannage, etc.. En achetant le nouveau modele, plus cher et equiper d'un moteur de derniere generation dont la puissance est quintuplee, vous noteriez que votre vitesse moyenne a ete divise par trois malgre une consommation nettement superieure. 22. Les nouveaux modeles seraient equipes en serie de phares solaires utilisables meme en plein jour, d'un avertisseur sonore 65536 tons, non interruptible, d'un frigo avec casier a bieres (n'acceptant que les bouteilles demi-Kro-soft), et d'un tas d'autres dispositifs absolument indispensables au conducteur moderne. Mais, assez curieusement, le volant, ce machin ringard permettant de diriger la voiture, a ete supprime , et remplace par un detecteur d'intention du pilote, pas encore tres au point, mais tres prometteur, et concu avec l'aide d'experts en ergonomie. 23. A chaque fois que vous tourneriez la cle de contact, un autocollant se placerait automatiquement sur le pare brise, dans votre champs de vision, pour vous informer de < l'astuce du jour > (en general une indication precieuse comme < saviez vous qu'en refaisant le plein regulierement, vous pouvez diminuer significativement votre probabilite de tomber en panne d' essence ?>). 24. Vous devriez acheter chaque mois un degrippant debarrassant votre moteur du nouvel additif recupere a votre dernier plein (ajoute surement par quelques esprits malfaisants, personne ne soupconnant le vendeur de degrippant). 25. Le haut de gamme, appele NT (origine anglo-saxonne de < not today, not tomorrow, no thanks ! >), permettrait d'etre plus facilement controle par votre installateur, avec une petite contrepartie : chaque fois que vous montez dedans, il vous faut refaire le reglage du siege et des retroviseurs, et par ailleurs, vous n'etes pas autorise a roule sur route avec, c'est un danger pour votre securite ; si vous devez absolument emprunter la route, appelez votre installateur. 26. Un detail enfin : la route n'est pas telle qu'elle vous apparait a travers le pare-brise. Les habitues assurent que ce n'est pas genant. D' ailleurs, pour voir la vraie route, il suffit de se garer, de descendre et de demander < l'apercu avant roulage >.
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Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. A) Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c). You'll notice immediately that * "98" is a higher number than "95," * a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if there are any of course). Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again. Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family. Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser OTHER than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways and in 12 different languages ; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed- permanently. Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000. However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner. We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with you software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.) If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats. Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c).
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/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1994
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
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Une firme japonaise et une firme francaise decident un jour de faire une course d'avirons entre leurs deux equipes. Avant le grand jour de la confrontation, les deux equipes s'entrainent dur. Cependant, le jour de la confrontation, les japonais gagnent avec plus d'un kilometre d'avance. L'equipe francaise est tres affectee par cette defaite. Pour eviter le decouragement, le management qui s'etait reuni a l'issue de la course, decide que la cause de l'echec doit etre trouvee. Une equipe d'audit constituee de Senior managers est donc designee. Ils feront leur enquete et auront a recommander l'action la plus appropriee. La conclusion de l'audit est que l'equipe japonaise est constituee de 8 rameurs pour un barreur, alors que l'equipe francaise a 8 barreurs pour 1 rameur. A la lecture de l'audit, le management de l'equipe francaise decide de louer les services d'un cabinet de consultants. Apres les avoir payes des sommes enormes, ils rendent leur avis: L'equipe francaise doit avoir plus de rameurs et moins de barreurs. Pour eviter de perdre contre les japonais l'annee suivante, la structure de l'equipe francaise est totalement reorganisee : Il est decide de creer 4 postes de barreurs superviseurs, 3 barreurs superintendants, et 1 barreur superintendant assistant manager. Pour mettre toutes les chances de leur cote, les francais mettent aussi en oeuvre un systeme d'encouragement cense motiver le seul rameur de l'equipe a travailler plus: Ils appellent ce programme "La qualite et le Zero defaut pour nos rameurs". Ce programme repose sur des reunions, des diners, et des stylos plume gratuits pour le rameur. Le mot d'ordre de ce programme est "Nous devons donner au rameur plus de moyens et de gratifications a travers ce programme qualite" L'annee suivante, enfin, la course a de nouveau lieu. Cette fois, les japonais gagnent avec plus de deux kilometres d'avance. Humilies, le management francais licencie le rameur pour ses pietres performances. Il arrete la mise en chantier d'un nouvel aviron, vend les rames et annule tout investissement nouveau concernant l'equipe d'aviron. Puis il recompense les barreurs managers en leur donnant le Prix de la Performance. Enfin, il distribue l'argent economise par ces mesures de restriction a tous les directeurs seniors.
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Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found
that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other
applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product
brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that
this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that,
Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system
initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding
that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight
7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system
when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of
undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta
release.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:
- A"Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be
installed with the option to uninstall at anytime
without the loss of cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous
mode which would allow the systems hardware
probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0
by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many
problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0.
You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long
standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the
versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.
You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't
work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up little
annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
BUG WARNING Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install
Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney
files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse
to install, claiming insufficient resources.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider
under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can
accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
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Le changement de version est-il nécessaire? Avant de modifier la version d'un logiciel qui sert au cours de votre vie quotidienne, il faut toujours s'assurer que la nouvelle version est compatible et sans "bugs". Voici l'histoire d'un ami qui a choisi de changer de version dernièrement. Il a changé son programme Petite amie 12.4 pour Epouse 1.0. Malheureusement, il s'est vite rendu compte que ce programme accaparait beaucoup de ressources système et laissait peu de place pour les autres applications. A son grand étonnement, il a aussi vu son nouveau programme créer des sous-routines appelées Enfants 1.0, parasites bruyants et coFBteux, surtout la première année. Bien évidemment, tous ces petits problèmes n'étaient pas précisés sur la boite d'emballage ou dans la notice d'utilisation: d'autres utilisateurs l'avaient prévenu qu'il rencontrerait ces incidents. De plus, Epouse 1.0 se lance automatiquement dès le démarrage de la machine et supervise toutes les autres activités du système. Autre point irritant, ce nouveau programme entraEEne la suppression quasi systèmatique d'autres logiciels vitaux tels que Nuit football 4.3, Soirée beuverie 7.5 et Sexe orgiaque 2.2. Il limite les accès à certains jeux comme MS Golf et Hockey LNH. En installant Epouse 1.0, l'utilisateur n'a aucun contrôle sur les logiciels indésirables tels que Belle-mère 2.5 ou Beau-frère version Bêta. De plus, le programme a l'air de s'altérer avec le temps: il présente des perturbations tous les 28 jours. Des suggestions ont été transmises au fournisseur pour la production de la nouvelle version de Epouse 2.0. Voici quelques options utiles qu'elle devrait contenir: Un bouton "Arrête de me rappeler" Un bouton "Minimise" pour placer le programme en tâche de fond Un bouclier d'installation permettant de désinstaller le produit à tout moment, sans perte de mémoire "cash" et autres ressources (divorce error) Une option "Promiscuité" permettant de réactiver les fonctions sexuelles abandonnées lors du passage de Petite amie 12.4 à Epouse 1.0. Attention, Epouse 1.0 contient un bug non référé. Si vous essayez d'installer Maitresse 1.1 avant de désinstaller Epouse 1.0, cette dernière effacera votre disque MS Money avant de s'effacer elle-même. Dans ce cas, Maitresse 1.1 refusera de s'installer à cause de ressources systèmes insuffisantes. Pour éviter ce bug, essayez d'installer Maitresse 1.1 sur un autre système que celui qui abrite Epouse 1.0. Attention, méfiance aussi, Maitresse 1.1 peut contenir des virus susceptibles d'affecter le bon fonctionnement de Epouse 1.0. Pour plusieurs raisons, certains utilisateurs ont décidé d'éviter tous les problèmes associés à Epouse 1.0 en restant sur Petite amie 12.4. Néanmoins, ils ont quand même rencontré quelques ennuis: il n'est pas possible d'installer Petite amie 12.5 par dessus Petite amie 12.4, il faut d'abord désinstaller Petite amie 12.4. De plus, le programme de désinstallation ne fonctionne pas très bien et laisse des traces de l'application précédente dans le système (sous forme de mobilier cassé et de sous-vêtements oubliés). Un autre point faible, toutes les versions de Petite amie envoient régulièrement des messages à l'utilisateur lui vantant les mérites de l'application Epouse 1.0. Technologie de l'information domestique Service de l'expertise.
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This is a supposed interview with Bjarne Stroustrup, the inventer of C++ An Interview with Bjarne Stroustrup ----------------------------------- Interviewer: Well, it's been a few years since you changed the world of software design, how does it feel, looking back? Stroustrup: Actually, I was thinking about those days, just before you arrived. Do you remember? Everyone was writing 'C' and, the trouble was, they were pretty damn good at it. Universities got pretty good at teaching it, too. They were turning out competent - I stress the word 'competent' - graduates at a phenomenal rate. That's what caused the problem. Interviewer: Problem? Stroustrup: Yes, problem. Remember when everyone wrote Cobol? Interviewer: Of course, I did too Stroustrup: Well, in the beginning, these guys were like demi-gods. Their salaries were high, and they were treated like royalty. Interviewer: Those were the days, eh? Stroustrup: Right. So what happened? IBM got sick of it, and invested millions in training programmers, till they were a dime a dozen. Interviewer: That's why I got out. Salaries dropped within a year, to the point where being a journalist actually paid better. Stroustrup: Exactly. Well, the same happened with 'C' programmers. Interviewer: I see, but what's the point? Stroustrup: Well, one day, when I was sitting in my office, I thought of this little scheme, which would redress the balance a little. I thought 'I wonder what would happen, if there were a language so complicated, so difficult to learn, that nobody would ever be able to swamp the market with programmers?' Actually, I got some of the ideas from X10, you know, X windows. That was such a bitch of a graphics system, that it only just ran on those Sun 3/60 things. They had all the ingredients for what I wanted. A really ridiculously complex syntax, obscure functions, and pseudo-OO structure. Even now, nobody writes raw X-windows code. Motif is the only way to go if you want to retain your sanity. Interviewer: You're kidding...? Stroustrup: Not a bit of it. In fact, there was another problem.. Unix was written in 'C', which meant that any 'C' programmer could very easily become a systems programmer. Remember what a mainframe systems programmer used to earn? Interviewer: You bet I do, that's what I used to do. Stroustrup: OK, so this new language had to divorce itself from Unix, by hiding all the system calls that bound the two together so nicely. This would enable guys who only knew about DOS to earn a decent living too. Interviewer: I don't believe you said that... Stroustrup: Well, it's been long enough, now, and I believe most people have figured out for themselves that C++ is a waste of time but, I must say, it's taken them a lot longer than I thought it would. Interviewer: So how exactly did you do it? Stroustrup: It was only supposed to be a joke, I never thought people would take the book seriously. Anyone with half a brain can see that object-oriented programming is counter-intuitive, illogical and inefficient. Interviewer: What? Stroustrup: And as for 're-useable code' - when did you ever hear of a company re-using its code? Interviewer: Well, never, actually, but... Stroustrup: There you are then. Mind you, a few tried, in the early days. There was this Oregon company - Mentor Graphics, I think they were called - really caught a cold trying to rewrite everything in C++ in about '90 or '91. I felt sorry for them really, but I thought people would learn from their mistakes. Interviewer: Obviously, they didn't? Stroustrup: Not in the slightest. Trouble is, most companies hush-up all their major blunders, and explaining a $30 million loss to the shareholders would have been difficult. Give them their due, though, they made it work in the end. Interviewer: They did? Well, there you are then, it proves O-O works. Stroustrup: Well, almost. The executable was so huge, it took five minutes to load, on an HP workstation, with 128MB of RAM. Then it ran like treacle. Actually, I thought this would be a major stumbling-block, and I'd get found out within a week, but nobody cared. Sun and HP were only too glad to sell enormously powerful boxes, with huge resources just to run trivial programs. You know, when we had our first C++ compiler, at AT&T, I compiled 'Hello World', and couldn't believe the size of the executable. 2.1MB. Interviewer: What? Well, compilers have come a long way, since then. Stroustrup: They have? Try it on the latest version of g++ - you won't get much change out of half a megabyte. Also, there are several quite recent examples for you, from all over the world. British Telecom had a major disaster on their hands but, luckily, managed to scrap the whole thing and start again. They were luckier than Australian Telecom. Now I hear that Siemens is building a dinosaur, and getting more and more worried as the size of the hardware gets bigger, to accommodate the executables. Isn't multiple inheritance a joy? Interviewer: Yes, but C++ is basically a sound language. Stroustrup: You really believe that, don't you? Have you ever sat down and worked on a C++ project? Here's what happens: First, I've put in enough pitfalls to make sure that only the most trivial projects will work first time. Take operator overloading. At the end of the project, almost every module has it, usually, because guys feel they really should do it, as it was in their training course. The same operator then means something totally different in every module. Try pulling that lot together, when you have a hundred or so modules. And as for data hiding. God, I sometimes can't help laughing when I hear about the problems companies have making their modules talk to each other. I think the word 'synergistic' was specially invented to twist the knife in a project manager's ribs. Interviewer: I have to say, I'm beginning to be quite appalled at all this. You say you did it to raise programmers' salaries? That's obscene. Stroustrup: Not really. Everyone has a choice. I didn't expect the thing to get so much out of hand. Anyway, I basically succeeded. C++ is dying off now, but programmers still get high salaries - especially those poor devils who have to maintain all this crap. You do realize, it's impossible to maintain a large C++ software module if you didn't actually write it? Interviewer: How come? Stroustrup: You are out of touch, aren't you? Remember the typedef? Interviewer: Yes, of course. Stroustrup: Remember how long it took to grope through the header files only to find that 'RoofRaised' was a double precision number? Well, imagine how long it takes to find all the implicit typedefs in all the Classes in a major project. Interviewer: So how do you reckon you've succeeded? Stroustrup: Remember the length of the average-sized 'C' project? About 6 months. Not nearly long enough for a guy with a wife and kids to earn enough to have a decent standard of living. Take the same project, design it in C++ and what do you get? I'll tell you. One to two years. Isn't that great? All that job security, just through one mistake of judgment. And another thing. The universities haven't been teaching 'C' for such a long time, there's now a shortage of decent 'C' programmers. Especially those who know anything about Unix systems programming. How many guys would know what to do with 'malloc', when they've used 'new' all these years - and never bothered to check the return code. In fact, most C++ programmers throw away their return codes. Whatever happened to good or '-1'? At least you knew you had an error, without bogging the thing down in all that 'throw' 'catch' 'try' stuff. Interviewer: But, surely, inheritance does save a lot of time? Stroustrup: Does it? Have you ever noticed the difference between a 'C' project plan, and a C++ project plan? The planning stage for a C++ project is three times as long. Precisely to make sure that everything which should be inherited is, and what shouldn't isn't. Then, they still get it wrong. Whoever heard of memory leaks in a 'C' program? Now finding them is a major industry. Most companies give up, and send the product out, knowing it leaks like a sieve, simply to avoid the expense of tracking them all down. Interviewer: There are tools... Stroustrup: Most of which were written in C++. Interviewer: If we publish this, you'll probably get lynched, you do realize that? Stroustrup: I doubt it. As I said, C++ is way past its peak now, and no company in its right mind would start a C++ project without a pilot trial. That should convince them that it's the road to disaster. If not, they deserve all they get. You know, I tried to convince Dennis Ritchie to rewrite Unix in C++. Interviewer: Oh my God. What did he say? Stroustrup: Well, luckily, he has a good sense of humor. I think both he and Brian figured out what I was doing, in the early days, but never let on. He said he'd help me write a C++ version of DOS, if I was interested. Interviewer: Were you? Stroustrup: Actually, I did write DOS in C++, I'll give you a demo when we're through. I have it running on a Sparc 20 in the computer room. Goes like a rocket on 4 CPU's, and only takes up 70 megs of disk. Interviewer: What's it like on a PC? Stroustrup: Now you're kidding. Haven't you ever seen Windows '95? I think of that as my biggest success. Nearly blew the game before I was ready, though. Interviewer: You know, that idea of a Unix++ has really got me thinking. Somewhere out there, there's a guy going to try it. Stroustrup: Not after they read this interview. Interviewer: I'm sorry, but I don't see us being able to publish any of this. Stroustrup: But it's the story of the century. I only want to be remembered by my fellow programmers, for what I've done for them. You know how much a C++ guy can get these days? Interviewer: Last I heard, a really top guy is worth $70 - $80 an hour. Stroustrup: See? And I bet he earns it. Keeping track of all the gotchas I put into C++ is no easy job. And, as I said before, every C++ programmer feels bound by some mystic promise to use every damn element of the language on every project. Actually, that really annoys me sometimes, even though it serves my original purpose. I almost like the language after all this time... Interviewer: You mean you didn't before? Stroustrup: Hated it. It even looks clumsy, don't you agree? But when the book royalties started to come in... well, you get the picture... Interviewer: Just a minute. What about references? You must admit, you improved on 'C' pointers... Stroustrup: Hmm. I've always wondered about that. Originally, I thought I had. Then, one day I was discussing this with a guy who'd written C++ from the beginning. He said he could never remember whether his variables were referenced or dereferenced, so he always used pointers. He said the little asterisk always reminded him... Interviewer: Well, at this point, I usually say 'thank you very much' but it hardly seems adequate... Stroustrup: Promise me you'll publish this. My conscience is getting the better of me these days... Interviewer: I'll let you know, but I think I know what my editor will say... Stroustrup: Who'd believe it anyway? Although, can you send me a copy of that tape? Interviewer: I can do that...
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Question: Pourquoi le poulet a-t-il traversé la route ? UN PROFESSEUR : pour aller de l'autre côté. PLATON: Pour son bien. ARISTOTE: C'est dans la nature du poulet de traverser les routes. KARL MARX: C'était historiquement inévitable. MARC BLONDEL: Parce que c'est le seul trajet que son entreprise lui accordait de prendre. SADDAM HUSSEIN: Ceci était un acte de rébellion qui justifie pleinement que nous ayions laissé tomber 50 tonnes de gaz dessus. RONALD REAGAN: J'ai oublié. CAPITAINE JAMES T. KIRK: Pour aller là où aucun autre poulet n'était allé avant. HIPPOCRATE: A cause d'un excès de sécrétion de son pancréas. ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: J'ai la vision d'un monde où tous les poulets seraient libres de traverser la route sans avoir à justifier leur acte. MOISE: Et Dieu descendit du Paradis et Il dit au poulet "Tu dois traverser la route". Et le poulet traversa la route et il jubila. RICHARD M. NIXON: Le poulet n'a pas traversé la route, je répète, le poulet N'a PAS traversé la route. MACHIAVEL: L'élément important c'est que le poulet a traversé la route. Qui se fiche de savoir pourquoi ? La fin en soi de traverser la route justifie tout motif qu'il soit. FREUD: Le fait que vous vous préoccupiez tous du fait que le poulet a traversé la route révèle votre sentiment d'insécurité sexuelle latente. BILL GATES: Je viens juste de mettre au point le nouveau Poulet Office 2000, qui ne se contentera pas seulement de traverser les routes, mais couvera aussi des oeufs, classera vos dossiers importants,et ... OLIVER STONE: La question n'est pas : "pourquoi le poulet a-t-il traversé la route" mais plutôt "Qui a traversé en même temps que le poulet, qui avons nous oublié dans notre hâte et qui a pu observer le poulet ? DARWIN: Les poulets, au travers de longues périodes, ont été naturellement sélectionnés de telle sorte qu'ils soient génétiquement enclins à traverser les routes. EINSTEIN: Le fait que le poulet traverse la route ou que la route se meuve sous le poulet dépend de votre référentiel. BOUDDHA: Poser cette question renie votre propre nature de poulet ERNEST HEMINGWAY: Pour mourir. Sous la pluie. RAMBO : J'en ai raté un ?
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Comment le poulet informatique traverse la route?
poulet NT :
Traversera la route en Juin... Non en Août. Enfin en Septembre, c'est
sûr.
poulet OS/2 :
A traversé la route il y a quelques années, mais tellement
silencieusement que personne ne l'a remarqué.
poulet Windows 95 :
Le poulet a de très jolies plumes multicolores qu'il montre lorsqu'il
traverse, mais si on le cuisine, il a le goût de ... poulet..
poulet Microsoft (TM):
Le poulet est déjà des deux côtés de la route. En plus, il a
aussi acheté la route.
poulet OOP (Object Oriented Programming):
Le poulet n'a pas besoin de traverser la route: Il envoie un message à la
place.
poulet Assembleur:
D'abord, le poulet construit la route ...
poulet C :
Le poulet traverse la route sans regarder de chaque côté.
poulet C++ :
le poulet ne devrait pas avoir à traverser la route. Il suffit de
faire une référence à [poulet] de chaque côté.
poulet VB (Visual Basic):
FDepartementale!LaRoute.Traverse (unpoulet)
poulet Delphi :
Le poulet se trouve tiré de l'autre côté de la route.
poulet Java :
Si votre route doit être traversée par un poulet, le serveur en
downloadera un de l'autre côté.
poulet Web :
Met une patte sur la route, tourne à droite, puis se met à courir
de façon aléatoire.
poulet Gopher :
Essaie de courir, mais se fait applatir par le poulet Web.
poulet Newton :
Ne sait pas glousser, ne sait pas voler, ne sait pas courir et ne pond pas
d'oeufs... mais vous pouvez lui faire traverser la route dans votre poche.
poulet Cray :
Court plus vite que n'importe quel autre poulet, mais si vous ne le
plongez pas dans l'azote liquide d'abord, il arrive de l'autre côté
complétement cuit.
poulet Logique Quantique:
Le poulet est distribué stochastiquement de chaque côté de la
route, jusquà ce que vous l'observiez du côté où vous êtes.
poulet Lotus :
N'essayez même pas d'oser traverser la route de la même façon
que le poulet Lotus. !
poulet Mac :
Aucun possesseur de poulet, un tant soi peu raisonnable, ne voudrait avoir
un poulet qui traverse la route
- Et de toute façon, il n'y a aucun moyen de lui dire comment faire.
poulet COBOL :
0001-POULET-TRAVERSER.
IF PLUS-DE-VEHICULES THEN
PERFORM 0010-TRAVERSE-LA-ROUTE
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
DE-L-AUTRE-COTE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-POULET-TRAVERSER
retour aux histoires pour informaticiens
Vous le savez peut-être déjà, les membres de l'académie
francaise discutent de la "féminisation" de certains termes. Parmi
les propositions à l'étude (ex : Madame La Ministre), il y en a une
qui a particulièrement attiré mon attention car il s'agit d'informatique
et plus particulièrement du mot "ordinateur". En effet , on dira
peut-être bientôt UNE ordinateur...
Voici, les 7 raisons invoquées justifiant de la féminité d'un
ordinateur:
- Personne,à part leur créateur, n'est capable de comprendre
leur logique interne,
- Chacune de vos plus petites erreurs est immédiatement
mémorisée pour des références ultérieures,
- Le langage natif utilisé par les ordinateurs pour communiquer
entre eux est incompréhensible pour n'importe qui d'autre,
- le message "bad command or filename" est au moins aussi explicite
que "si tu ne sais par pourquoi je t'en veux, alors je ne vais
certainement pas te le dire !"
- dès que vous vous êtes engagé financièrement pour l'un
d'entre eux, vous vous retrouvez en train de claquer la moitié de
votre paye lui acheter des accessoires,
- On finit toujours par avoir envie d'essayer celui des autres,
- Leur obsolescence rapide nous pousseE0 en changer
régulièrement,
Néanmoins, les ordinateurs ont un énorme avantage sur les femmes :
Il y a un bouton "marche / arrêt".
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retour aux histoires pour informaticiens
retour aux histoires pour informaticiens
A ma gauche, les termes anglais, utilises par tout le
monde. A ma droite, les termes de l'Academie Francaise
ou du Journal Officiel correspondants.
Firewall Ecluse
Shareware Partagiciel
Plugin Plugiciel
Freeware Graticiel
Hacker Finaud
Browser Brouteur, butineur
E-mail Mel
CD-ROM cederom
Chat Babillard
Chat mode Babillardage
Swap Permutation
Polling Scrutation
Debugger Epepineur
Encapsulation Emmaillotage
Flame (to) Attaquer au lance-flammes
HTML Langage Hyper Descriptatif a Ferrets
patch (to) Rustiner
Smiley Souriard, Mimique, Emoticon, Rictus, Facies,
Binette, Souriant
Thread Enfilade
Virus Fragment infectieux de code necessitant un
programme hote (je l'invente pas !!!)
WWW Hypertoile
WYSIWYG VISualisation Imitant Virtuellement une
Impression Graphique
Par exemple :
J'ai lance le brouteur de Rose qui a refuse de demarrer. Je pense
qu'il est infecte par une Fragment infectieux de code necessitant
un programme hote.
Avec l'epepineur je n'ai rien vu. Il faut dire qu'avec l'emmaillotage
de axmth on ne peut pas savoir si le programme a ete rustine ou pas.
J'ai essaye d'envoyer un mel au support mais il y a un probleme d'ecluse.
L'Hypertoile est inaccessible. J'en ai marre de ces graticiels, ils
ne sont meme pas multi-enfilade ! Je vais demande a un de mes finaud de
me trouver un meilleur partagiciel ...
retour aux histoires pour informaticiens
Le Bit n'est plus seul ... Derniere minute : une equipe de scientifiques francais vient de mettre en evidence l'existence d'une unite de valeur plus petite que le bit : le kouye. Francois Brizmenu, chef de projet, explique : c'est impensable et incroyable a la fois ! Depuis que l'informatique existe, nous etions persuades que tout pouvait etre ramene au bit, un 0 ou un 1. Mais, nous venons de demontrer qu'un bit est compose de 2 kouyes dont les valeurs peuvent etre 00, 01, 10 ou 11. Cette decouverte va remettre en question toutes les bases de l'informatique. C'est d'ailleurs pour cette raison que les lobbys de l'informatique americaine ont fait tout ce qui etait en leur pouvoir pour etouffer l'affaire. Des rumeurs circulent sur le Net comme quoi les programmeurs de Microsoft utiliseraient, pour des raisons economiques, des bits sans kouye, en particulier dans le noyau de windows 95, ce qui peut se resumer par l'affirmation : les OS de Microsoft n'ont pas de kouyes... La decouverte de l'equipe du professeur Brizmenu aurait ete percue par les developpeurs de Microsoft comme un affront personnel. Brizmenu s'indigne : " On veut nous baillonner ! C'est une honte ! Bill Gates veut que l'informatique soit son domaine exclusif et en ecrire ses propres lois ! " Aussitot la communaute internaute a reagi en lancant la campagne : " Bill, don't break our kouyes ! " Mais Brizmenu et son equipe travaillent deja dans l'optique de decouvrir une valeur annexe au kouye qui en definirait la qualite : le Morbak.
retour aux histoires pour informaticiens
Le but de la manipulation est d'ecrire un programme qui affichera
"HELLO WORLD" a l'ecran.
Terminale
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END
DUT 1ere annee
program HELLO(input, output)
begin
writeln('HELLO WORLD')
end.
DUT 2eme annee
(defun HELLO
(print
(cons 'HELLO (list 'WORLD))
)
)
Fraichement sorti de l'ecole
#include
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"HELLO ", "WORLD"};
int i;
for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
printf("%s", message[i]);
printf("\n");
}
Professionnel tres experimente
#include
#include
class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;
public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}
string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}
~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}
friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
};
ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}
string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
{
if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs);
}
return(*this);
}
int main()
{
string str;
str = "HELLO WORLD";
cout << str << endl;
return(0);
}
Administrateur Syst=E8me
#include
main()
{
char *tmp;
int i=0;
/* on y va bourin */
tmp=(char *)malloc(1024*sizeof(char));
while (tmp[i]="HELLO WORLD"[i++]);
/* Ooopps y'a une infusion ! */
i=(int)tmp[8];
tmp[8]=tmp[9];
tmp[9]=(char)i;
printf("%s\n",tmp);
}
Hacker experimente
#include
#define S "HELLO, WORLD\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}
Hacker tres experimente
% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/bv/bv.c
% a.out
Gourou des Hackers
% cat
HELLO, WORLD.
^D
Directeur junior
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END
Directeur
mail -s "HELLO, WORLD." bob@b12
Henri, pourrais-tu m'ecrire un programme qui ecrit "HELLO,
WORLD." a l'ecran?
J'en ai besoin pour demain.
^D
Directeur senior
% zmail Jean
J'ai besoin d'un programme "HELLO, WORLD." Pour cette apres-midi.
President Directeur General
% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station !!!
retour aux histoires pour informaticiens