Originally written by Michael
Borkow, Mike Sikowitz & Jeffrey Astrof
Transcribed by Joshua Hodge.
Minor additions and
adjustments by Dan Silverstein.
[Scene: In a TV
commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.]
(A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops
a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.)
Commercial
Voiveover:
Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth...
(A monkey jumps on
the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is
suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all
around.)
Commercial
Voiveover:
...With MonkeyShine Beer. (MonkeyShine theme) MonkeyShine Beer, 'cause it's a jungle out there.
(Camera pans back from the
TV to show the gang watching.)
Ross: That commercial always makes me so
sad.
Joey: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer
and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.
Ross: I meant because the monkey in it
reminds me of Marcel.
Phoebe: I can see that, 'cause they both have
those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin.
Monica: And the fact that they're both
monkeys.
Ross: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right
thing, ya know, giving him away.
Rachel: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was
humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that
will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.
Ross: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow
your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey
raisins in it.
Chandler: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it
was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat... all of the sudden I have this big attitude
problem.
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Central
Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.]
(Joey enters holding a letter)
Joey: Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I
got.
Chandler: Rhythm?
Joey: No, my first fan mail.
All: Alright!
Monica:
(reading) 'Dear Dr. Remore,
know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh.
'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS
enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.'
Rachel: Ya know, in crazy world, that means
you're married.
Monica: This wasn't addressed to Days of
Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no
stamp on it, this woman was in our building.
Joey: Oh my god, I got my very own stalker.
(Ross enters with a
suitcase)
Ross: Hey guys.
All: Hey.
Phoebe: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin'
Jake?
Ross: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology
conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the
zoo and surprise Marcel.
Chandler: You know I think he will be surprised,
'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable
of that emotion.
(Rob (Chris Isaac) enters)
Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is
here again.
Phoebe: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like
I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So
everyone just laugh, now.
(Everyone laughs)
Phoebe: I know, I know. (to Rob) Hello.
Rob: Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen.
Phoebe: Hi Rob Dohnen.
Rob: I don't know anything about music, but
I think you're really, really great.
Phoebe: Oh, wow.
Rob: Anyway, I schedule performers for the
childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have
you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?
Phoebe: Oh, I would love to have kids. . .
you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write
for them.
[Scene: Chandler and
Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the
kitchen.]
Joey: Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner?
Chandler: Well we could just stay in and cook
for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]
(door buzzer goes off)
Chandler: Hello.
Erica: It's Erica.
Joey: Ah, the stalker.
Erica: Never mind, it's open.
Chandler:
(Joey grabs a frying pan) Yes,
hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have
a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.
Joey: Let's get out of here.
(They run out and knock on
Monica and Rachel's door)
Chandler: The one time they're not home.
Joey: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass
her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'causewe've never met.
Chandler: That's
how radio stars escape stalkers.
Joey: She's comin'.
(Both run back in their
apartment. There's a knock at the door.)
Erica: It's me.
Joey: Uhh, this is it, this is how we're
gonna die. Ready?
Chandler: Wait, wait, wait. (Opens the top of the dish soap he's
holding)
(Joey opens the door and
sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler
squeezed the dish soap in the air.)
Erica: Hi.
Joey: Erica.
[Scene: San Diego Zoo.
Ross is at the Monkey cages.]
Lipson: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I
was told you had a question.
Ross: Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the
monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan, answers to the name
Marcel.
Lipson: Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Marcel has passed on.
Ross: Oh my God, what happened?
Lipson: Well he got sick, and then he got
sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died.
Ross: I can't believe this.
Lipson: I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know,
there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.' It's not a great
saying but it certainly is fitting today.
Ross: Well, ya know, someone should have
called me.
Lipson: I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't
bring him back but here, it's just a gesture.
Ross: Zoo dollars?
Lipson: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4.
The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't
just died.
[Scene: Library. Phoebe
is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and
Rachel are there.]
(Phoebe pulls out her
guitar)
Kids: Ooohhh.
Phoebe: I
know.
Monica: I can't believe Joey's having lunch
with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.
Chandler: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?
Rachel and Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: Well, she looks the exact opposite of
that.
Rachel: And she's not crazy?
Chandler: Oh no no no, she's a total wack job.
Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.
Rachel: Oh my God.
Monica: Ah, and I mean, he's going out with
her? He can not persue this.
Chandler: Hey, just because this woman thinks
she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living
room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not
deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the
one who wants to boff the maniac.
Rob: You OK?
Phoebe: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So,
you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their
underwear.
Rob: That's not a good idea, that's kinda
the reason the last guy got fired.
Phoebe: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to
playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their
coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen.
This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?
Rob: I
was thinkin' about it.
Phoebe: OK. (they
kiss) OK, alrighty, let's
play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe
All: Hi Phoebe.
Phoebe: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs
about grandparents, OK.
(singing)
Now, grandma's a person
who everyone likes,
she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
but the truth is she died and some day you will too.
La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...
[Scene: A nice
restaurant. Joey and Erica are dining.]
Erica: Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing?
Joey: Yeah it is. . . what?
Erica: Well, here we sit, devil may care,
just a little while ago you were reattaching someone's spinal
cord.
Joey: Yeah,
that was a tricky one. In
reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only
showed it for 2 minutes.
Erica: Who's they?
Joey: No one.
Erica: Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me
see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I
could just eat them. . . but I won't.
Joey: Good, otherwise my watch would fall
off. (laughs hysterically)
Erica: No, seriously. These hands. These
miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them,
touch them, maybe even lick one?
Joey: Alright, just one. (she licks his hands rather
emphatically) Wow, you're
good at that.
(Some guy at another table
starts choking)
Waiter: Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is
anyone here a doctor?
Erica: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all
of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.
[Scene: San Diege Zoo.
Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.]
Janitor: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15
minutes.
Ross: Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy
being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?
Janitor: It's about your monkey. It's alive.
[Scene: Restaurant. Joey
and Erica are still there.]
Erica: I don't understand, why didn't you
help that man?
Joey: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon
and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright,
look, I got to tell you something.
Erica: No, no no no, you don't have to tell
me anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who
am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?
Joey: But that's what...
Erica: I should just be happy to be near you.
Joey: Hey I- (she cuts him off with a kiss)
Erica: Hey what?
Joey: That's it, just hey. Like at the end
of a dance, HEY! (she
starts nibbling his hand) Hey.
He-hey.
[Scene: Library. Phoebe
is singing.]
Phoebe:
(singing) There'll be
times when you get older
when you'll want to sleep with people
just to make them like you. . .
But don't.
Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody
That's another thing that you don't wanna do.
Monica: Excellent!
Chandler: Very informative!
Rachel: Not at all inappropriate!
Phoebe: Thank you for coming everybody.
There're cookies in the back.
Rob: That was great, the kids loved you.
Phoebe: Yay,
I rock.
Rob: And you know why? Because you told the
truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible.
Phoebe: But.
Rob: How did you know there was a but?
Phoebe: I sense these things. It was either
but or butter.
Rob: The thing is, I think some of the
parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs about
like, barnyard animals.
Phoebe: I can do that.
Rob: Really?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rob: Because that would be fantastic. What?
You wanna kiss me?
Phoebe: Thinkin' about it.
[Scene: San Diego Zoo.
Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.]
Janitor: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness,
flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless
spectre of the macabe.
Ross: Buddy, my monkey?
Janitor: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in,
few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken.
Ross: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my
monkey was dead.
Janitor: The zoo! Do you believe everything the
zoo tells ya?
Ross: That, that's the only thing the zoo's
ever told me.
Janitor: Of course they're gonna say he's dead.
They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great big cover-up.
Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?
Ross: That guy Lipson?
Janitor: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who
else knows?
Ross: No, I, I only know Lipson.
Janitor: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr.
Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night,
taunting gravity with...
Ross: Buddy, my monkey, my monkey.
Janitor: Word on the street - well, when I say
street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the
zoo.
Ross: Of course.
Janitor: Your monkey found a new career, in the
entertainment field. That's all I know.
Ross: This is unbelievable.
Janitor: So, what is this information worth to
you, my friend?
Ross: Are you trying to get me to bribe you?
Janitor: Maybe.
Ross: But you already told me everything.
[Scene: Library. Ross
show up with a MonkeyShine Beer poster.]
Ross: Check it out, he actually is the
MonkeyShine monkey.
Rachel: Well, so what're you gonna do?
Ross: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer
company and try to find out where he is.
Chandler: That's what I did when I lost my
Clydesdales.
Phoebe: OK, hi again.
All: Hi Phoebe.
Phoebe: Today we're gonna start with some
songs about barnyard animals.
(singing)Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
And that's how we get hamburgers.
Nooowww, chickens!
[Scene: Chandler and
Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days
of Our Lives.]
TV Doctor: You're the only one who can save
her Drake.
Joey on TV: Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God.
Ross: Well, there goes my whole belief
system.
(knock at the door)
Erica: It's Erica.
Joey: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.
Rachel: No no no, wait, I wanna see what
happens.
Joey: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and
then we make out.
Rachel: Well how can that be, you were just
kissing Sabrina?
Monica: Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a
neuro-surgeon.
Joey: Hey Erica, c'mon in.
Erica: How did you get here so fast, I just
saw you in Salem?
Joey: Right, they uh, they choppered me in.
What's up?
Erica: Ohh, and I see you're having a little
party too. Is she here, huh, huh?
Joey: Who?
Erica: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw
you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.
Joey: It's not what you think, that was...
Erica: You told me I was the only one. (throws a glass of water in his face)
Joey: Alright look, that's it. I don't think
we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should
have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK.
I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a
doctor.
Erica: Oh my God. Do the people at the
hospital know about this?
Joey: Somebody wanna help me out here?
Rachel: Oh, I know, I know. (Turns on the TV. Joey is on it.)
Erica: How, how can you be here and there.
Joey: 'Cause it's a television show.
Erica: Drake, what're you getting at?
Joey: I'm not Drake.
Ross: That's right, he's not Drake, he's
Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.
Erica: Is this true?
Rachel: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this
because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. (throws water in his face)
Monica: And then he told me he would run away
with me, and he didn't. (throws
water in his face)
Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you
bastard. (throws water in
his face)
Erica: Is all this true?
Joey: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve
much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake,
he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's
the guy for you.
Erica: Oh Hans. (They kiss)
Ross: Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin.
Joey: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in
Salem. Take care
Erica: I'll never forget you Hans. (Joey shuts the door in her face)
Joey: OK, alright, the people who threw the
water.
[Scene: Central Perk.
Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.]
Phoebe: Fired! Why?
Rob: The library board has had a lot of
complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.
Phoebe: I can't believe it. Did you tell your
board about how kids want to hear the truth?
Rob: No.
Phoebe: I see.
Rob: Maybe if you just played some regular
kiddie songs.
Phoebe: No. What do you, what do you want me
to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
Rob: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.
Phoebe: Who's Barney.
[Scene: Central Perk.
The whole gang is there.]
Ross: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get
this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York
filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.
Rachel: You're kidding.
Joey: This is amazing.
Ross: I know.
Joey: I finally get a part on TV and the
monkey's makin' movies.
Phoebe: OK, Rachel, I'm ready.
Rachel: OK.
(little kid enters)
Kid: Excuse me. Is this where the singing
lady is that tells the truth?
Phoebe: Um, yeah I guess that's me.
Kid: (shouting
out the door) She's here.
(a rush of kids enter)
Phoebe: (singing) Sometimes men love women,
sometimes men love men,
and then there are bisexuals,
though some just say they're kidding themselves.
la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
[Scene: City street. The
whole gang is walking up to the movie set.]
Ross: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my
monkey in almost a year.
Chandler: What, you never look down in the
shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the
monkey-is-penis genre?
Security guard: C'mon people, back up please, back up,
c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
Ross: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find
the monkey?
Security guard: I'm sorry guys, closed set.
Ross: Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand,
I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together.
Security guard: Yeah, and I have a time share in the
Pocanos with Flipper.
Monica: Ross, there he is.
Ross: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. (Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts
singin) In the jungle,
the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. (no reaction from Marcel, Monica and
Joey urge him on) In the
jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. (Marcel looks over and everyone joins
in) a-weema-way,
a-weema-way..... (Marcel
runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder)
[Scene: The next time at
the movie set.]
Security guard: Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh...
Joey: Closed set. We know but we're friends
with the monkey. (guard
lets them in)
Ross: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I
brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the
elephant doll and throws it to the ground]
Joey: Woah, dude, burn.
Ross: I don't get it, he seemed so happy to
see me yesterday.
Trainer: Hey don't take it personal, he's under
a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all.
Rachel: Now just how big of a star is Marcel?
Trainer: In human terms, I'd say Cybill
Shepard.
All: Woah.
Chandler: (to
guys wering yellow isolation suits) So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really
paranoid.
Director's assistant: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready for
the subway set?
Joey: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director,
which one's he?
Director's
assistant: The one
in the director's chair.
Joey: Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me.
Phoebe: OK. Um, how come I'm walking with you?
Joey: Well, we're, we're just goin' over
here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating
virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he
lookin', is he lookin'?
Susie: We've got a problem.
Director's
assistant: Tell
me.
Susie: I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses
to acknowledge that she has a moustasche.
Director's
assistant: Is it
bad?
Susie: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell
down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it,
Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.
Director's
assistant: I'll
talk to her.
Susie: I hate actors.
Chandler: (to
an extra in fatigues) Nice
camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya.
Susie: Excuse me.
Chandler: Ahhhh.
Susie: Uh, is your name Chandler?
Chandler: Uh, yes, yes it is.
Susie: Chandler Bing?
Chandler: Do you know me or are you just really
good at this game?
Susie: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses,
I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.
Chandler: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you
look. . . great job growing up.
Susie: It's nice to see you're not still
wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.
Chandler: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated
fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.
Susie: Remember the class play? You, you
pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.
Chandler: Yes,
back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I
don't do that anymore.
(cut to Monica and Rachel
walking through the set)
Monica: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Rachel: What what what what?
Monica: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know
he was in this movie, he is so hot.
Rachel: Ya think?
Monica: The muscles from Brussels, wham bam
Van Damme, did you see Time Cop?
Rachel: No, was he any good in it?
Monica: Rachel, he like, totally changed time.
Rachel: Wow, so why don't you go talk to him?
Monica: Oh, yeah.
Rachel: What, so you go over there, you tell
him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen?
Monica: He could hear me.
Rachel: OK, I'm doin' it for ya.
Monica: Oh Rachel don't, don't you dare,
don't, don't. Tell him I cook.
Rachel: Excuse me. Hi.
Van Damme: Hi.
Rachel: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy
but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she
thinks you're cute.
Van Damme: You
don't think I'm cute?
Rachel: I, I don't know, um, do you think
you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I
was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're
cute. So what should I tell her?
Van Damme: You can tell her I think her friend is
cute.
(back to Chandler and
Susie)
Chandler: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would
eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no
elbows.
Susie: OK, well then who was the kid that got
caught masturbating?
Chandler: OK that's not what he was doing.
Alright, he was looking for his bus money.
(a voice in the background
calls for makeup)
Susie: Oh that's me, I gotta go.
Chandler: Oh uh, o, OK.
Susie: Um, so listen, how many times am I
gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date.
Chandler: Well, uh, let's try one more. . .
there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock.
Susie: I'll be there, and who knows, if
things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear.
Chandler: No one was around to hear that?
(back to Rachel and Monica)
Monica: So what'd he say?
Rachel: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about
you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I
said no.
Monica: Well, thanks anyway.
Rachel: He just kept asking, and asking, and
asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.
Monica: Rachel if you, if you want to go out
with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what
you want to do...
Rachel: Jean-Claude she said yes, I'll see you
tonight. Thank you.
[Scene: Central Perk.
Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.]
Rachel: And then Jean-Claude took me to that
place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew
Barrymore.
Joey: Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got
the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.
Rachel: Does anybody need anything?
Monica: Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh
acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up
drinking it yourself.
Rachel: That is so unfair.
Phoebe: I know. Oh, like you would drink her
coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme.
(Ross enters)
Ross: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball
for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have
him for a couple of hours.
Joey: You're blowin' me off for a monkey?
Ross: Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.
Joey: Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch
of pigeons.
(Chandler enters)
Chandler: Hey,
stick a fork in me, I am done.
Phoebe: Stick a fork what?
Chandler: Like, when you're cooking a steak.
Phoebe: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.
Chandler: Well then, how do you know when
vegetables are done?
Phoebe: Well you know, you juist, you eat them
and you can tell.
Chandler: OK, then, eat me, I'm done.
Chandler: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're
sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she
turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'
Monica: What did you say?
Chandler:
Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how
do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?
Phoebe: Oh, you just know.
[Scene: Chandler and
Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the
couch.]
Susie: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a
reservation in 30 minutes.
Chandler: Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you
see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes
tops.
Susie: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta
go. But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear?
Chandler: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they
were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.
Susie: Well I was thinking it would be um,
kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.
Chandler: You want me to wear your panties?
Susie: Could ya?
Chandler: Well, if I was wearing your underwear
then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You're swell.
[Scene: Ross's
apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joey is
there.]
Ross: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh
and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, banannacake.
Joey: Oooh.
Ross: With mealworms.
Joey: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya
thinks gonna happen here tonight?
(phone rings)
Ross: Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way
ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey's gotta work.
No it, it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything special
planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye.
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other.
Phoebe is mediating.]
Phoebe: OK, Rachel, why don't you start
talking first.
Rachel: Alright, I feel that this is totally
unjustified. (Monica starts
making faces behind her back) She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you
think I can't see you in the TV set?
Phoebe: Alright Monica, if there is something
that you would like to share...
Monica: Ya know, you had no right to go out
with him.
Rachel: That is the most ridiculous.
Monica: You sold me out.
Rachel: I did not sell you out.
Monica: Yes you did. Absolutely.
Rachel: Would you let me talk. (flicks Monica on the forehead)
Monica: Did you just flick me?
Rachel: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish
and I was jus- (Monica
flicks her back) Ow. That
hurt (flicks Monica)
Monica: Quit flicking (flicks)
Rachel: Ow, you stop flicking.
Monica: You flicked me first.
(They keep flicking each
other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to
wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying
"Happy thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.)
Phoebe: OK,
now I'm gonna kick some ass.
(Phoebe grabs each of them
by an ear)
Monica and Rachel: Ow. Ow. Ow.
Phoebe: Alright, now I will let go if you both
stop.
Rachel: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop
seeing him, is that what you want?
Monica: Uh-huh.
Rachel: You want me to just call him up and
tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want?
Monica: OK.
Rachel: Oh that's what you want.
Monica: Yes.
Rachel: Fine.
Monica: Fine,
Phoebe: There we go.You know what, if we were
in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
[Scene: A fancy
restraunt (Marcel's). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the
Director's Assistant are there.]
Ross: Thanks for letting me tag along
tonight you guys.
Joey: Forget about it.
Susie: How you doin there squirmy?
Chandler: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out.
Joey: So, assistant to the director. That's
a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool
responsibilities.
Director's
assistant: I have
nothing to do with casting.
Joey: So what're you guys gonna eat?
Susie: How
come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and
licking you all over?
Chandler: Because
I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.
Susie: I want you right here, right now.
Chandler: Right now, right here. Don't ya think
we're in kind of a public plaaaa (Susie grabs him under the table) They do have the shrimp.
Susie: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves
for the bathroom]
Chandler: I'm going to the bathroom now. (leaves for the bathroom)
[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She
backs into a stall.]
Susie: C'mon.
Chandler: I can't believe we're doing this.
Susie: Alright mister, let's see those
panties.
Chandler: Alrighty. (we see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall door)
Susie: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be
even sexier?
Chandler: What?
Susie: If you didn't have your shirt tucked
into them.
Chandler: Oh.
Susie: Alright. Now I would like to see you
wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off.
Chandler: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this
means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.
Susie: C'mon hurry, hurry.
Chandler: Hey, do you want this done quick, or
do you want this done right?
Susie: Alright, turn around. Time to see you
from behind.
Chandler: OK.
(She turns him facing the
toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.)
Susie: Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of
steel video.
Chandler: Well, you want me to uh, clench
anything, or-... Susie? Susie.
Susie: This is for the fourth grade.
Chandler: Huh? Where, whaddya mean?
Susie: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I
mean? I mean underpants, mister, that's what I mean.
Chandler: What, what's what you mean?
Susie: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I
was Susie Underpants 'till I was 18.
Chandler: That was in the fourth grade. How
could you still be upset about that?
Susie: Well um, why don't you call me in 20
years and tell me if you're still upset about this. (she leaves with his clothes)
Chandler: Alright, I hope you realize you're not
getting these underpants back.
[Scene: Monica and Van
Damme are walking down the street.]
Monica: I can't believe this, just like 2
weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I'm on a date
with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? (he nods) Can you beat up that guy?
Van Damme: Sure.
Monica: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta
admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind
date.
Van Damme: Normally, I would not do it.
Monica: Well, what made you make the exception
for me?
Van Damme: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were
dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the
way, Drew has some groundrules and...
[Scene: Back at Monica
and Rachel's apartment. They are now fighting about what Rachel
told Van Damme.]
Monica: Say you're sorry.
Rachel: No. (hitting each other)
Monica: Say it.
Rachel: No. (hitting again)
(Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it)
Monica: Rachel, you say you're sorry or your
sweater gets it.
Rachel: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater,
that is my third date sweater.
Monica: Say you're sorry.
Rachel: OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play,
let's play.(She grabs a jar
of tomato sauce and Monica's purse)
Monica: What're you gonna do?
Rachel: You give me back my sweater or it's
handbag marinara.
Monica: You don't have the guts.
Rachel: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too
chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.
(Monica pulls a thread on
Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's
purse)
Phoebe: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS.
This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the
first place?
(Monica and Rachel start
yelling at the same time)
Phoebe: Yes that's right. But still, I-, look
at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.
Monica: I'll help you fix your sweater.
Rachel: I'll help you throw out your purse.
Monica: I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing
him.
Rachel: Well, I'm sorry I went out with him
when I knew you liked him.
Monica: I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves (pulls Rachel's gloves out of her
purse)
[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in
the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]
(Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles
again.)
Chandler: Joey?
Joey: Ma?
Chandler: Joey!
Joey: Chandler? What're you still doin'
here, I though you guys took off.
Chandler: Oh, no no no, she took off with my
clothes.
Joey: Are you naked in there?
Chandler: Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties.
Joey: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?
Chandler: No, no, this is the first time.
Joey: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean,
the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your
clothes.
Chandler: I was not trying them out, Susie asked
me to wear them.
Joey: Well, let me see.
Chandler: No. I'm not letting you or anybody
else see, ever.
Joey: Alright, alright. (climbs up in the next stall and looks
over at Chandler) Woah,
someone's flossing.
(Ross enters, sees Joey in
the mirror)
Ross:
(to Joey who's looking over a toilet stall) Joey, some people don't like that.
Joey: Chandler's
wearing panties.
Ross: What? Let me see. (climbs up in the other adjoining stall)
Chandler: No, no, you don't have to see.
Ross: Hi
Tushie.
Chandler: Alright, one of you give me your
underpants.
Joey: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any.
Chandler: How can you not be wearing any
underwear?
Joey: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in
the hot pink thong.
Chandler: Alright look Ross I'll give you 50
dollars for your underpants.
(Some guy has entered.)
All: Hi.
(Back at the table. Joey
and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall
door in front of him, and leaves.)
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.]
Chandler: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after
you?
Phoebe: I'm almost done with it, keep your
panties on.
(Joey enters)
Joey: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.
Ross: What happened?
Joey: One of the virus victims called in
sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney.
Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go
down there and say goodbye.
Ross: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's
probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know,
he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.
Phoebe:
(sees Marcel at the window)
Oh my God.
Ross: What?
("Looks Like We Made
It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel
and Ross having fun in the city.)
[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to
Jean-Claude]
Van Damme:
(to Rachel) I'm sorry it
didn't work out between you and me, (to Monica) or
you and me. Drew was very disappointed.
Rachel: OK, well, bye. (kisses him)
Van Damme: Goodbye.
Monica: Well, bye for me too. (kisses him)
Rachel: OK, well, bye-bye again. (kisses him again)
Monica: OK.
Van Damme: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just
could. . .
Monica and Rachel: Oh, no no no no no.
Van Damme: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.
Monica and Rachel: No no no no.
Rachel: Impressive.
Monica: But no. Maybe if I were baking.
Monica and Rachel: Bye-bye.
[Scene: City street.
Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel.]
Ross: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen.
You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.
(Marcel is driven off in a
limo)
Phoebe: You know, I think I want to write a
song about all this.
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on
my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?
Chandler: How long you been waitin' to say that?
Phoebe: About 20 minutes.
CLOSING
CREDITS
[Scene: Filming
a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is
looking over him.]
Van Damme: Can't you see what's going on here,
this man is dying.
Joey: Aaaaagggghhhhh.
Director: Cut.
Van Damme: Can't you see what's going on here,
this man is dying.
Joey: Aaaaagggghhhhh.
Director: Cut.
Van Damme: Can't you see what's going on here,
this man is dying.
Joey: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy
Director: Cut.
Van Damme: Can't you see what's going on here,
this man is dead.
END