Written by: Michael
Curtis and Gregory S. Malins
Transcribed by Eric
B Aasen
[Scene
Central Perk, the whole gang is entering]
Joey: I'm tellin' ya that girl totally
winked at me.
All: Did not, she did not wink at you...(sees that their sacred couch is
occupied by strangers).
Chandler: Huh. (They all leave, dejected)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene:
Rachel and Monica's, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating
breakfast.]
Ross: I have to say Tupolo Honey by Van
Morrison.
Rachel: Nooo Way! The most romantic song ever
is The Way We Were.
Phoebe: See, I-I think that one that Elton
John wrote for, um, that guy on Who's The Boss.
Rachel: What song was that, Pheebs?
Phoebe:
(singing) Hold me close,
young Tony Dan-za.
(Monica enters from her
bedroom)
Phoebe: Hi Monica!
Ross: Hey Mon!
Rachel: Hey Mon!
(she just walks straight
into the bathroom)
Phoebe: Oh my God, has she slept at all?
Ross: Nope.
Rachel: No, it's been three nights in a row.
Ross: Yeah, she finally stopped crying
yesterday, but then she found one of Richard's cigar butts out on
the terrace, so.
Phoebe: Oh, okay that explains it. I got a
call at two in the morning, but all I could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so I
thought okay its like a mouse or a opossum. But then I realized where would a mouse or a opossum get the
money to make the phone call.
[Scene: Chandler
and Joey's, Joey is coming in from the bedroom]
Chandler: Morning.
Joey: Morning, hey, you made pancakes?
Chandler: Yeah,
like there's any way I could ever do that.
Janice: (entering
and singing) Monica and
Rachel had syrup, now I can get my man to cheer up. (laughs
hysterically) Good morning
Joey.
Joey: (sarcastically) Good morning.
Chandler: Hey, you know what, here's a thought.
Why don't you stay home from work today and just hang out with
me.
Janice: Oh, I wish. Look, honey, you have that
report to finish, and I gotta go see my lawyer.
Chandler: I can not believe that I am going out
with someone that is getting divorced. I'm such a grown up.
Janice: (laughs)
I-I-I gotta go, I gotta go.
Okay, not without a kiss.
Chandler: Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and then
you'll have to stay.
Joey: (under
his breath) Kiss her! Kiss
her!
Janice: I'll see you later, sweetie. Bye Joey.
Joey: B-bye Janice. (she leaves) (to Chandler) So when ya' dumpin' her.
Chandler: Nope, not this time.
Joey:
Come on, quit yankin' me.
Chandler: I'm
not *yanking* you.
Joey: This is Janice.
Chandler: Yeah, I know. She makes me happy.
Joey: Okay. All right. You look me in the
eye and tell me, without blinking, that you're not breaking up
with her. No blinking.
Chandler:
(looks him in the eye) I'm
not breaking up with her! (they
stare at each other for a while, then Joey blows in his face)
[Scene: Rachel and
Monica's, Monica is entering from the bathroom.]
Monica: God, look what I found in the drain.
Rachel: What?!
Monica: It's some of Richard's hair! (holds it close to Ross) What do I do with this?
Ross: Getting it away from me would be job
one.
Monica: It's weird, but you know what I don't
wanna throw this away. I mean this is like all I have left of
him, gross, drain hair. Ooh! (drops it in Ross's cereal)
Phoebe: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny
little person drowning in your cereal. (Ross gives her this look, like 'Yeah,
doesn't it', and gets up to dump it down the drain.)
Monica: God, what is wrong with me.
Ross: You need to get some sleep.
Monica: I need to get some Richard.
Rachel: Monica, you broke up with him for a
reason.
Monica: I know, I know. I'm just so tired
of-of missing him. I'm tired of wondering why hasn't he called.
Why hasn't he called!
Phoebe: Maybe, because you told him not to.
Monica: What are you the memory woman?
Joey:
(entering) They're not
breaking up. Chandler and Janice. They're not breaking up. He
didn't blink or anything.
Rachel: Well, you know I'm not surprised. I
mean have you seen them together, they're really cute.
Joey: Cute! This is Janice! You remember
Janice?
Rachel: Yes, Joey, I remember, she's annoying,
but you know what she's-she's his girlfriend now. I mean what can
we do?
Joey: There you go! That's the spirit I'm
looking for! What can we do? Huh? All right who's first? Huh?
Ross?
Ross: Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our
friend and Janice makes him happy, so I say we just all be adult
about it and accept her.
Joey: Yeah, we'll call that Plan B. All
right?
[Scene: Ross's
bedroom, Ross is working and Rachel is reading a book in bed]
Rachel:
(she leans over and kisses him on the cheek) Honey, I was wondering....
Ross: Hmm?
Rachel: Do you still have that, um, Navy
uniform?
Ross: Nooo, I had to return it to the
costume place.
Rachel: Hmm.
Ross: I think I have an old band uniform
from high school.
Rachel: You remember not having sex in high
school, right?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Well honey, what about you?
Ross: What?
Rachel: I mean do
you have any fun, you know, fantasy type things?
Ross: No.
Rachel: Come on you gotta have one!
Ross: Nope.
Rachel: Ross, you know what...
Ross: What?
Rachel: ...if you
tell me, I might do it.
Ross: Okay, umm. Did you ever see, um,
Return Of The Jedi?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Do you remember the scene with, um,
Jabba the Hut? Well Jabba had as, as his prisoner, um, Princess
Leia.
Rachel: Oooh!
Ross:
Princess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold bikini thing. It was
pretty cool.
[Scene: Central
Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there]
Phoebe: Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold
bikini, every guy our age loved that.
Rachel: Really!
Phoebe: Um, um. It's huge. Yeah, that's the
moment, when-when, you know she stopped being a princess, and
became, like, a woman, you know.
Rachel: Did you ever do the-the Leia thing?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, um-mm. Oh!
Rachel: Really! That-that great huh?
Phoebe: No it's just that I got this new pager
and I have it on vibrate. See ya!
Ross:
(entering with Monica in tow) Hey!
Rachel: Hi you guys!
Ross: Look who I found standing outside of
the Szechwan Dragon staring at a parking meter.
Rachel: Mon. Hi!
Monica: Hi.
Rachel: Why aren't you at work?
Monica: Oh, they-they sent me home.
Rachel: Why?
Monica: Because I don't work at the Szechwan
Dragon.
Ross: Okay.
Rachel: You really, really need to get some
sleep, honey.
Monica: I know I do.
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi.
Ross: Guess what?
Rachel: What?
Ross: They published my paper.
Rachel: Oh, really, let me see, let me see.
Phoebe: Rach, look! (she holds two buns up to her ears to
make her hair look like the Princess Leia 'do.) Oh, hi! Where is my strong Ross
Skywalker to come rescue me. (Ross stands up horrified) There he is.
[Scene: Chandler
and Joey's, Joey is watching Wheel of Fortune, the puzzle is
showing _oun_ Rush_ore.]
(Chandler enters)
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Wheel!
Chandler: Of!
Joey: Fortune! This guy is so stupid. (yelling) It's
Count Rushmore!!
Chandler: You know, you should really go on this
show. All right, listen, I got three tickets to the Rangers
tonight. What'd ya' say?
Joey: I say, 'I am there!' Cool! Aw, is Ross
going to?
Chandler: No, Janice.
Joey: Jan-ice. 'Cause I, just, I feel bad
for Ross, you know, we-we always go together, we're like the
three hocke-teers.
Chandler: You know, I may be way out on a limb
here, but do you, do you, have a problem with Janice?
Joey: No, Yeeees. God, how do I say this. (walks into the kitchen, Chandler
follows closely, he turns around and gets startled). Oh, hi, you know that girl from the
Greek restaurant with the hair (holds his hands up to signify she has big hair)?
Chandler: Ooh, that girl that I hate, eww,
drives me crazy, eww, eww, oh!
Joey: Look, I don't hate Janice, she's-she's
just a lot to take, you know.
Chandler: Well, there you go.
Joey: Oh, hey. Come on man, don't look at me
like that, she used to drive you nuts before too, remember?
Chandler: Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think this could be the real thing.
Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'!
(Joey stares at him) Don't
worry, those are the right letters.
Joey: Look, what do you want me to say?
Chandler: I want you to say that you like her!
Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical
thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna (grimaces and tenses up) pull my arm off just so that I can have
something to throw at her.
Chandler: Thanks for trying. (grabs the ticket and starts to leave) Oh, and by the way there isno Count Rushmore!
Joey: Yeah,
then-then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain? (Chandler gives him a look like 'You
stupid idiot!')
Commercial break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are
entering]
Ross: How could you have told her?
Rachel: Ross, I didn't think it would that big
of a deal.
Ross: Oh,
she didn't think it would be that big of deal.
Rachel: Okay,
who are you talking to when you do that?
Ross: Look, that was supposed to be like a
private, personal thing between us.
Rachel: Okay, Ross, Phoebe is my girlfriend,
okay, we tell each other everything. You know, I mean, come on,
guys do the same thing, I mean, what about all that locker room
stuff.
Ross: That's different, okay. That's like,
uh 'Who dated a stripper?' or 'Who did it on the back of the
Staton Island Ferry?'.
Rachel: Were both of those Joey?
Ross: Yeah. Look, you don't, you don't talk
about like, you know, your girlfriend and the intimate stuff you,
you do with her.
Rachel: Not even with your best friend.
Ross: Noo!
Rachel:
That is so sad. Your
missing out on so much, Ross. I mean, the bonding and the
sharing, you know. And-and knowing that someone else is going
through the same thing you are.
Ross: Hmph. So what you, you tell each other
everything?
Rachel: Pretty much.
Ross: Did you talk about the night of five
times? Do you tell people about the night of five times?
Rachel: Uh, honey, yeah that was with Carol.
Ross: I know, but it's still worth
mentioning, I think.
[Scene: Monica's
bedroom, Phoebe is trying to relax her.]
Phoebe:
( in a soothing voice)
Relax every muscle in your body. Listen to the plinky-plunky
music. Okay, now close you eyes, and think of a happy place.
Okay, tell me your happy place.
Monica: Richard's living room, drinking wine.
Phoebe: All right. No, no, no, not a Richard
thing, just put down the glass. And get out!
Monica: I'm sorry, but that's my happy place.
Phoebe: Well, okay, fine, use my happy place.
Okay, I'm just gonna, I have to ask that you don't move anything.
Monica: All right, I'll try not to.
Phoebe: Okay, all right, so, your in a meadow,
millions of stars in the sky....
Monica: Do you think breaking up with him was
a huge mistake?
Phoebe: All right, there are no questions in
the happy place. Okay, just, the warm breeze, and the moonlight
flowing through the trees....
Monica: I'll bet he's totally over me, I'll
bet he's fine.
Phoebe: All right, betting and wagering of any
kind, are, I'm sure, not permitted in the happy place. Okay.
Just-just, you know, the-the lovely waterfalls, and the, the
trickling fountains. And the-the calming sounds of the babbling
brook....
Monica: Okay, this isn't working. I'm still awake and now I have to pee.
[Scene: Chandler and
Joey's]
Janice: So, I hear, you hate me!
Joey: I, ah, I never said hate, I was very
careful about that.
Janice: A little birdie told me something
about you wanting to rip your arm off and throw it at me.
Joey: And you got a 'hate' from that?! Your
taking a big leap there...
Janice: All right, fine, fine, fine, fine,
fine, we've got to do something about our little situation here
Joey. So, this is my idea: you and me spending some quality time
together.
Joey: But what does that gonna do...
Janice: For Chandler!
Joey: Okay. I'm in.
Janice: Okay. All right. This is what we're
gonna call it: 'Joey and
Janice's *DAY* *OF* *FUN!*'
Joey: Does it have to be a whole day?
Janice: Yes, because that's how long it takes
to love me.
Joey: Yeah, I know, I sleep in the next
room.
[Scene: Central
Perk, Rachel and Monica are entering]
Monica: (crying) So, I went down to the post office, and
it turns out it was those videos that I ordered for Richard about
the Civil War. He loved the Civil War.
Phoebe: Monica, do you want us to take you
home?
Monica: Uh, huh. (to Ross) Or maybe
to a galaxy far, far away. (Rachel,
Monica, and Phoebe leave)
Ross: Women tell each other everything. Did
you know that?
Chandler: Umm, yeah.
Ross: No
Chandler, everything! Like stuff you like, stuff she likes,
technique, stamina, girth....
Chandler:
Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why would they do this?
Ross: Rachel says sharing's great and
supposedly, you know, we outta be doing it. Do you wanna?
Chandler: We're not gonna talk about girth are
we?
Ross: Nooo!
Chandler: Yeah, okay.
Ross: Yeah?
Chandler: Yeah! All right! You go first.
Ross: Okay, okay, I'll go first.
Chandler: Okay.
Ross: So, uh, the other night Rachel and I
are in bed talking about fantasies, and I happened to describe a
particular Star Wars thing....
Chandler: Princess
Leia in the gold bikini.
Ross: Yes!
Chandler: I know!
Ross: Yes! Wow, well, that-that was easy.
Okay, you-you go.
Chandler: Okay.
Ross: Okay.
Chandler: Okay, you know, you know when your in
bed, with a woman.
Ross: Hmph.
Chandler: And, ah, you know, your fooling around
with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your
brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox
place....
Ross: With the belly-button ring? Oh,
muhawa!
Chandler: I know, and then all of the sudden your Mom pops into your head.
And your like 'Mom, get outta here!' You know, but of
course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything
else, and you can't, you know, stop what your doing. So it's
kinda like, you're, you know. You know...(Ross just stares at him). You
don't know!
Ross: Your Mom, your telling me, your
telling me, about your Mom, what is the matter with you?
Chandler: You said...
Ross: I
said '*share*' not '*scare*'. Go sit over there! (Chandler goes over and sits at a table and puts his
head down).
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Janice are
returning from their DAY OF FUN!]
Janice: We're baack!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: What are you guys doing together?
Janice:
Joey and Janice's *DAY* *OF* *FUN*!!! (laughs)
Chandler: Really.
Joey: Yeah, yeah. We went to a Mets game, we
got Chinese food, and you know, I love this woman. You have got
competition buddy.
Janice: I just came by to give you a kiss, I
have to go pick up the baby, so. I'll see you later sweetheart,
you too Chandler. (laughs)
Chandler: You still can't stand her can you?
Joey: I'm sorry man, I tired, I really did.
Chandler: Well, you know, I appreciate you
giving it a shot.
Joey: But, hey, look, you know the good
thing is, is that we spent the whole day together and I survived,
and what's even more amazing, so did she. It was bat day at Shea
Stadium.
Chandler: Well, I guess that's something.
Joey: No man, that's huge! Now, I know I can
stand to be around her, which means I get to hang out with you,
which is kinda the whole point, anyway.
Chandler: Okay.
Joey: Oh, hey, Chandler, we, ah, we stopped
by the coffee shop and ran into Ross.
Chandler: Oh God!
Joey: Hey, if it makes you feel any better,
I do it too.
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Oh yeah, I always picture your Mom when I'm having sex.
[Scene: Rachel and
Monica's, Monica is watching the Civil War videos]
Video: April Twelve, Eighteen hundred,
Sixty-One (Monica lights
Richard's cigar butt), 4:30
A.M. on Tuesday, the United States garrison at Fort Sumter was
fired upon (knock on door) it is now under bombardment by....
(Monica answers the door)
Monica: Hi, Dad, what are you doing here?
Mr. Geller: Well, it's your mother's bridge night
so I thought that I would come into the city for a little
Monicuddle. (hugs her) Since when did you start smoking
cigars?
Monica: I don't, I just, I just like the smell
of them. So, uh, what are you really doing here Dad?
Mr. Geller: Well, I just wanted to make sure you
were okay.
Monica: What makes you think that I might not
be okay?
Mr. Geller: I saw Richard.
Monica: Oh.
Mr. Geller: So, how are you doing?
Monica: I'm fine, just a little tired, I'm
okay. How's Richard doing?
Mr. Geller: You don't wanna know.
Monica: No, I really, really do.
Mr. Geller: Well, he's doing terrible!
Monica: Really!
Mr. Geller: Worse than when he broke up with
Barbara.
Monica: You're not just saying that are you?
Mr. Geller: No, the man is a mess.
Monica: Was he crying?
Mr. Geller: No.
Monica: Well, do you think he was waiting 'til
after you left, so he could cry?
Mr. Geller: Maybe.
Monica: I think so.
Mr. Geller: Honey, relationships are hard. Like
with your Mom and me. You know after we graduated college we
broke up for a while. It seems her Father, your Grandfather,
wanted her to travel around Europe, like he did. Of course, he
got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel, because he was also strafing
German troop trains at the time. However, (turns around and sees that Monica is
sleeping and puts a blanket around her, kisses her, picks up the
cigar, and starts watching the video)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene:
Ross's bedroom, Ross is humming the Star Wars theme. Rachel
enters, with her hair done up like Princess Leia's, and wearing a
belly dancer's outfit, to simulate the gold bikini thing.]
Rachel: Okay, here we go. I'm Jabba's
prisoner, and you have a really weird look on your face. What?
Honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong? Did I get the hair wrong?
What? Did you just picture it differently? What? What?
Ross: No, no it's, um, it's not you, um,
it's um, it's (turns and
sees his Mom standing where Rachel is)
Mrs. Geller: Well what is it? Come on sweetie, your
like, freaking me out here.
Ross: I
hate Chandler, the bastard ruined my life. (Rachel
starts looking around and down, with a 'What the hell is going on?' look on her
face.)
END