Written by: Ira Ungerleider
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there, the guys are
watching football, the girls are cooking Thanksgiving dinner.]
The Guys: (reacting to a play) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Awww!
Phoebe: Hey, its your
Thanksgiving too, y'know, instead of watching football, you could
help.
The Guys: We will. (they dont move)
Monica: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the
marshmellows in concentric circles.
Rachel: No Mon, you want to put
them in concentric circles. I want to do this.
(Rachel sticks a
marshmellow into Monicas nose. Monica takes it out of her
nose by closing one nostril, and blowing.)
Monica: Every year.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Phoebe: Y'know, for once, I am going to
sit down and try to watch one of these things. (just as she sits down).
Ross: Halftime.
Joey: Hey, who wants to ah, throw the
ball around a little, maybe get a little three on three going?
Rachel: Oh! That would be sooo much
fun!
Phoebe: Oh, can I play too? Ive
never played football, like ever.
Joey: Great, you can cover Chandler.
Chandler: No, no, no, I dont, I
dont really wanna play.
Joey: Come on man! You never want to
do anything since you and Janice broke up.
Chandler: Thats not true! I wanted
to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to
start drinking in the morning. Dont say that I dont
have goals!
Joey: Chandler, you have to start
getting over her. All right, if you play, you get some fresh air,
maybe itll take your mind off Janice, and if you dont
play, everyone will be mad at you cause the teams
wont be even. Come on.
Chandler: Yeah, all right, Ill
play.
Phoebe: Yay!!
Rachel: Lets do it! Ross?
Ross: What?
Rachel: Do you wanna play football?
Ross: Um, Monica and I arent
supposed to play football.
Joey: Says who? Your mom?
Monica and Ross: Yeah.
Monica: Well, every, every Thanksgiving
um, we used to have a touch football game called the Geller
Bowl.
Chandler: No, no, no, you say that
proudly.
Monica: Anyway, Ross and I were always
captains, and um, it got kindve competitive and one year,
Geller Bowl VI, I accidentally broke Rosss nose.
Ross: It was soo not an
accident. She saw I was about to tag her, so she threw her big
fat grandma arm elbow right into my face. And just keep running.
Monica: To score the winning touchdown,
by the way.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa, ho, ho, ho,
you did not win the game, the touchdown didnt count,
because of the spectacularly illegal, oh and by the way savage
nose breaking.
Monica: (to Chandler and Joey) I won the game.
Ross: Oh yeah! Then how come you
didnt get the Geller Cup?
Rachel: Um, there was a Geller Cup?
Ross: Yes, it was the trophy you got
if you won the game. But our Dad said, nobody won that
game, and he was sick of our fighting, so he took the
trophy and.... (pauses to
collect himself, as he is on the verge of tears saying this) threw it in the lake.
Chandler: And was the curse lifted?
Ross: Anyway. Thats when our
Mom said we were not to play football ever again.
Monica: Y'know what, I think we should
play a game. I mean come on, its been twelve years.
Ross: Can I see you for a second?
(they walk over to the sink
and discuss it for a moment)
Monica: (shouting) Once!!
Ross: All right, were gonna
play.
Chandler: But wait a minute though, how
are we gonna get there, though, because my Mom wont let me
cross the street.
[Scene: The Park,
the gang is warming up for their football game.]
Monica: Okay. Lets bring it in.
Rachel: Wait no, honey, honey throw it
to me, throw it to me.
Ross: Here you go. (throws her the ball)
Rachel: (knocking it down instead of catching it) That almost hit me in the face.
Joey: All right, we have to pick
captains.
Chandler: And then Tineals.
Phoebe: Okay, so how do we decide that?
Monica: Well, why dont we just
bunny up.
Rachel, Chandler, and
Joey: What?
Monica and Ross: (holding both of their hands above their heads making
rabbit ears with their fingers.) Bunny!
Monica: Okay, looks like Ross and I are
captains. Okay, so um, I bunnied first so that means I get to
pick first. Joey.
Joey: Thank you.
Rachel: Monica, Im your best
friend.
Ross: Sweetie, dont worry
youll get picked. Chandler.
Rachel: Ross!
Monica: Phoebe.
(Phoebe kisses Rachel on
the cheek, then joins her team.)
Ross: Sweetie, now I pick you.
Rachel: You dont pick me!
Youre stuck with me!
Ross: Okay. All right. So lets
see, lets play from the trash can, to the lightpost. Right.
Two hand touch, well kick off.
Monica: All right people listen,
Ive got exactly twenty-eight minutes before I have to baste
again.
Chandler: Wow! Just like in the pros.
Monica: Huddle up.
Joey: (to his team) All
right, huddle up, right over here.
Phoebe: Wait for me! Wait for me! Wait
for me! Oh cool, this is my first huddle.
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: Okay, so what do you guys
really think of Chandler?
Monica: Okay, Phoebe you know what
youre doing right?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Okay, Joeys gonna catch
it, and you and I are gonna block.
Phoebe: Whats block?
Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you
know what youre doing?
Phoebe: I thought you meant in life.
Monica: Break.
(Chandler is getting ready
to kick off, Ross is holding the ball between his foot and
finger.)
Chandler: The ball is Janice. The ball is
Janice. (goes to kick the
ball but kicks Rosss foot instead.)
Ross: Oww!! Son of a...!! Ow! Come
on!
Chandler: Sorry. Im sorry. Y'know
what, were just gonna throw it.
(Chandler throws the ball
to kick-off.)
Joey: I got it. (catches the ball)
Phoebe: Go! Go! Go!
(Joey runs up field and
fakes out Ross and scores a touchdown. His team all celebrates
the touchdown.)
Monica: Score!! 7 to nothing!
Rachel: (coming over to Ross, who is just getting up) Are you okay?
Ross: Come on, lets go!
Monica: Losers walk!
Ross: Yeah, losers talk!
Chandler: No, no, no, actually losers
rhyme.
[cut to later,
Rosss team has the ball.]
Chandler: (coming up under center, just like a real quarterback
does, and puts his hands between Rosss legs.) Twenty-three!! Seventy-four!! (Ross stands up and looks at him) You wanna go shotgun?
Ross: Yeah!
Chandler: (from the shotgun)
Hike!
Monica and Joey: One-Mississippi.
Two-Mississippi. Three-Mississippi.
(Rachel runs a quick
slant.)
Rachel: Over here!
(Chandler throws her the
ball, which she drops.)
Rachel: (proud of her self) I almost caught that one!
Chandler: Great! Now, the score is 7 to
almost 7.
Ross: Okay, (to Chandler) this play, I want you to do a down and
out to the right. Okay. Break!
Rachel: Wait, what am I gonna do?
Ross: You, you go long.
Rachel: Wait, how long?
Ross: Until we start to look very
small.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Break!!
[cut to later,
Monicas team has the ball.]
Joey: Set....hike!
Ross: One-Mississippi,
two-Mississippi, switch! Switch! Switch!!
Chandler: No, no, no, no, no!
(Monica throws the ball
over Joeys head, its stopped from rolling away by a
very beautiful woman.)
Joey: Haaaaa! Hey-hey, thanks for
stopping our ball.
Woman: (in a foreign accent) You are playing American football?
Joey: Yeah! Wow, your like from a
whole other country.
Woman: Im Dutch.
Joey: Hi-hi, Im Joey.
Woman: Im Margha.
Joey: Im sorry Dutch, I
didnt get that last little bit.
Chandler: (running up) Hey
Joey, do you wanna play football or you wanna.. (sees Margha) Hi, Im Chandler.
Margha: Hello, Chandler.
Joey: Her name is Dutch, and also
Marklan.
Margha: Margha.
Joey: Mar-klan.
Margha: Mar-gha.
Chandler: Mar-haaaan.
[cut to Ross and
Monica.]
Monica: Come on guys! Lets go!
Come on, its second down.
Ross: Uh, hello, its third
down.
Monica: No its not, its
second.
Ross: Wow!
Monica: Wow, what?
Ross: It just amazes me that your
still pulling stuff like this.
Monica: Pulling what? Its second
down.
Ross: Okay, its second down. (turns away) Take all the
second downs you need.
Monica: I heard that!
Ross: Well, I said it loud.
[cut to Chandler, Joey, and
Margha.]
Margha: It is okay, if I stay and
watch?
Chandler and Joey: Yeah! Why dont you stick
around. You can sit right there.
(she goes and sits down)
Chandler: Well, that went well.
Joey: I think so.
Chandler: Y'know, I was thinking about
ah, asking her for her number.
Joey: Thanks man, but I think it
makes a stronger statement if I ask for it myself, y'know.
Chandler: Whoa-ho, whoa! No, I was
thinking about y'know for me, as a part of that whole getting
over Janice thing you were talking about.
Joey: Oh, yeah, that. All right,
means that much to ya, Ill let you have her.
Chandler: Thanks. What, let me have her?!
What do mean? Like if you didnt I wouldnt have a
shot?
Joey: Well I dont like to say
it out loud, but, yeah! Dont feel bad man, we all have our
strengths. Youre better with numbers and stuff.
Chandler: Math!! Youre giving me
math! All right, look y'know what, forget about it, you go for
the girl, well see who gets her.
[cut to later, in
Rosss huddle.]
Ross: Chandler, I want you to run a
post pattern to the left, okay. And sweetie..
Rachel: Yeah, I know, go long. Y'know,
its like all Im doing is running back and forth from
the huddle.
Ross: Well ah, you wanna just stay
out there?
Rachel: Can I see that for second.
Ross: Yeah.
(Rachel takes the ball from
his hands and bounces it off of Rosss forehead and Chandler
catches the rebound.)
Ross: Okay. Hut! Hike!
(Chandler runs around
behind Ross, who pitches him the ball. Chandler runs upfield, and
Joey knocks the ball out of his hands.)
Joey: Fumble!
(Joey starts to return the
fumble and Chandler grabs Joeys shirt and rips it off of
his back.)
Joey: What the hells the matter
with you?! This is my favourite jersey.
Chandler: Well now you have two. Hey, I
am good at math.
Joey: All right, thats it.
Y'know I was still gonna let you have her. But now, forget about
it. Prepare to feel very
bad about yourself.
Chandler: Hey! Well, Ive been preparing for that my entire
life! Or something about you thats mean!
Monica: All right, come on guys,
lets go! Tie score, and were runnin out of
time. Forty-two!! Thirty-eight!! Hike! (the timer sounds as Monica throws the
ball to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Oh I got it!! (catches the ball) Oh! Ew! Broken boob! Ow!
Joey: Pheebs, run!
Monica: Run, Phoebe, run!
(Phoebe runs and scores a
touchdown.)
Phoebe: Touchdown!! Touchdown!!
Ross: Uh, hello, the buzzer buzzed.
It doesnt count.
Monica: After the snap!
Ross: Before the snap!
Joey: After!!
Chandler: Before!!
Rachel: Now, does it really matter?
All: Yes!!
Phoebe: Well, okay, I made a touchdown.
It was my first touchdown. So?
Ross: Oh Pheebs, thats great.
It doesnt count.
Monica: Does so count!
Ross: Cheater, cheater, compulsive
eater.
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Monica: Y'know what, thats fine,
maybe you havent grown up, but I have.
Ross: Oh-ho, okay.
Monica: Dead leg!! (kicks him in the thigh.)
Ross: Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, fine, fine!
All right, you wanna win by cheating, go ahead, all right. Phoebe
the touchdown does count, you win.
Phoebe: Woo-yay!!
Monica: No! Listen, Im not gonna
go through this with you again, okay. Just once I wanna beat when
you cant blame it on the broken nose, the buzzer, or the
fact that you thought you were getting mono. Lets just call
this, tie score and its halftime.
Ross: Okay, first of all, I
dont play with cheaters, and second of all, you know I had
swollen glands!!
Monica: Y'know what? Ill think
youll play.
Ross: Oh really! Why is that?
[cut to Monica and
Rachels.]
Monica: Because the winner gets this!
Ross: The Geller Cup.
Chandler: Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by
four?
All: Yeah.
Chandler: Okay, good.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene:
The park, the gang is returning to play the second half of the
game.]
Ross: Okay, where in the hell did you
get that?!
Monica: When Mom and Dad drove you to
the hospital to get your nose fixed, I swam into the lake and
fished it out.
Ross: That cup is mine!
Monica: No its not! You want it,
youre gonna have to win it!
Rachel: All right, so are we not having
dinner at all?
Monica: Come on Phoebe, lets go!
Come on, its time to get serious, huddle up. Joey, keep
your head in the game.
Joey: Its hard, y'know, his
huddle is closer to Dutch girl.
Monica: All right look, if I take
Chandler out of the running will you be able to focus?
Joey: What are you gonna do?
Monica: All right, you just make sure
that Chandler catches the ball, Ill take care of the rest.
Joey: Okay.
Monica: Break!
Joey: Here you go!
(Joey throws the ball to
Chandler)
Ross: Chandler! Chandler!
(Chandler catches the ball
and starts to run upfield.)
Chandler: (to Margha) Hi.
(just as he gets in front
of Margha, Monica comes up and tackles him)
Monica: Whoa! Whoa!! Tackled by a girl!
Bet ya dont see that everyday, do ya?
Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whats
with the tackling?
Monica: What?! I just touched him and
he went over.
Ross: Okay, you wanna play rough, we
can play rough.
(They both stare each other
down as we hear Lets get ready to
r-r-r-rum-ble!!!)
(A long football sequence follows.)
[Sequence 1: Monica throws the ball over Chandlers
head to Joey who catches it for a touchdown, and starts to dance
in celebration. Chandler then tackles him, and he starts to dance
in celebration.]
[Sequence 2: Monica runs upfield and stops, waiting for a pass.
Ross runs over and pulls her pants down, steps in front of her
and intercepts the pass.]
[Sequence 3: Chandler throws a pass to Ross, who catches it.
Phoebe starts screaming and runs up to him and tries to tackle
him. But all she ends up doing is running around his waist and
screaming.]
[Sequence 4: Ross hikes the ball to Chandler, and the camera pans
down to show Rachel standing deep in the end zone, playing with
her gum. Something hits her on the head and she looks up to see
where it came from.]
[Sequence 5: Monica hands the ball off to Phoebe, who runs up
field and delivers a fore-arm shiver to Chandler, knocking him
over and scores the touchdown, and she yells...]
Phoebe: I love this game!!
[cut to Ross who
walks up to Rachel who is eating a baked pretzel.]
Ross: Hey, whered you get that?
Rachel: I went really long.
Monica: Forty-two to twenty-one! Like
the turkey, Ross is done!
Ross: Its no surprise that your
winning, cause you got to pick first, so you got the better
team.
Monica: Youre so pathetic! Why cant you just accept it,
were winning because Im better than you.
(Ross makes a Yeah.
Right. sound.)
Monica: Oh, what a great argument, exhaling! All right, y'know what, Ill prove
it to you, okay. Ill trade you Joey for Rachel, and
Ill still win the game.
Ross: What?! The guys against the
girls? See, thats ridiculous Monica, because Im only
down by three touchdowns.
Monica: Oh, then bring it on! Oh,
unless of course your afraid you might lose to a bunch of girls.
Ross: Fine, fine, Rachel your with
Monica, Joey youre with me.
Rachel: I can not believe your trading
me!!
Monica: Come on Rach, come on.
Lets see whats it like to be on a winning team for a
change.
Rachel: Are you gonna let me play?
Monica: All right then.
[cut to the
guys team.]
Margha: (coming over) The
game is over, we eat now?
Chandler: No-no-no-no, the games
not over, were just switching teams.
Joey: Yeah, Chandler finds me so
intimdating that its better if were on the same team.
Ross: Right. Okay, lets play.
Lets go.
Chandler: No ah, hold on a second Joe,
where do Dutch people come from?
Joey: Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania
Dutch, come from Pennsylvania.
Chandler: And the other ah, Dutch people,
they come on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
Joey: Nice try. (to Margha) See the Netherlands is this make believe place where
Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from.
Margha: Oh, my.
Ross: Enough with geography for the
insane, okay? Lets play some ball, guys.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, no, no, I-Im
not playing with this guy, now.
Chandler: Fine with me.
Ross: Okay, y'know what, lets
just cut to the chase here. Okay? Heidi, which of my boys do you
like?
Chandler and Joey: What are you doing? What are
you doing? What are you doing?
Margha: Which do I like?
Ross: Yeah, y'know for dating,
general merriment, taking back to your windmill...
Margha: Well, if I had to chose right
now, which by the way I find really weird, I would have to say,
Chandler.
Chandler: Yes!!
Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
She obviously didnt understand the question.
Chandler: Well, you dont you have
Captain Hook explain it to her.
Margha: Im sorry, Joey, that is
my chose.
Chandler: You hear that! That is her
chose, mister Ill let you have her! I win! You suck! I rule
all! A mini-wave in celebration of me!! (does the wave.)
Margha: Im now thinking I would
like to change my answer to, no one.
Chandler: Wh-what?
Margha: I now find you shallow and um,
a dork. All right, bye.
Joey: Nice going. You just saved
yourself a couple months of sex.
Chandler: Y'know what, it doesnt
matter, cause she picked me. Me! From now on I get the
dates and you have to stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready,
Set, Cook!
Ross: Save the breakthroughs for
therapy, okay. The clock is ticking. We have no time, and we are
losing, we are losing to girls.
Chandler: Were not gonna lose to
girls.
Ross: Hey! Its 42-21!
Joey: This sucks, I was just up by
that much!
Monica: Are we playing football or
what? Come on you hairy-backed Marries.
[cut to the girls
huddle.]
Monica: We have to do this. We are
playing for women everywhere. Okay, just think about every lousy
date that you ever had, okay, every guy who kept on the TV while
youre making out...
Phoebe: Oh my God! You dated someone
with a glass eye too?!
Monica: Come on, okay, come on this is
for all womankind. Lets kill um!
Rachel: Yeah!!! Kill um!!!
Phoebe: All right, no, well I want to
kill them to, but their boys, y'know how are we gonna beat three
boys?
(Another football sequence
follows)
[Sequence 1: Chandler is running past Phoebe with the
ball, Phoebe flashes him, he stops and stares dumbfounded at her.
Phoebe then runs up and takes the ball away.]
[Sequence 2: Phoebe throws the ball, and its intercepted by
Joey, who starts to run up field. Rachel jumps on his
back in order to try and tackle him, but she doesnt slow
him down. Monica and Phoebe then both grab her legs in order to
stop Joey, who still manages to fight through the tackle and
score the touchdown.]
[Sequence 3:
Chandler is running with the ball, Phoebe flashes him again, but
Chandler covers his eyes, and keeps running. He then runs into a
tree at the end of the field.]
[cut to the girls huddle]
Monica: All right, we still have a
minute and a half to go, and were down by two points. Two
points.... (she gets
interrupted by the guys, who are doing a slow-motion high five.) Phoebe you do a button-hook again.
Rachel, you go long.
Rachel: No! Come on! Dont make me
go long. Use me. They never cover me.
Monica: Honey, theres a reason.
Rachel: God, Im not lame, okay. I
can do something. I can throw, would you let me throw, come on
this is my game too.
Phoebe: Come on Mon, let her throw the
ball.
Monica: All right Rachel, you sweep
behind, Ill pitch it to you, you throw it down field to
Phoebe. All right. Break.
Rachel: Thank you! Break!
Monica: Thirty-two! Seventy-one! Hike!
(Phoebe snaps the ball to
Monica, who pitches back to Rachel.)
The Guys: One-Mississippi!
Two-Mississippi! Three-Mississippi!
(They all rush toward
Rachel, who panics and runs away. She runs out of the park and up
along the fence, she then comes back into the park and runs past
Monica, as she gets to Monica, she throws the ball at Monica, and
it hits her in the eye.)
Rachel: Im so sorry! Are you
okay?
Monica: No! Im not okay!
Rachel: Im sorry, they were just
all coming at me, and I didnt know what to do.
Joey: (looking at the timer) Thirty seconds left on the timer!
Chandler: Okay, okay, so we get to take
that stupid troll thing home!
Monica: Come on! Come on! Hurry!
Were running out of time! Huddle up!
Phoebe: Okay. Oooh! Oh, this is our
last huddle, yeah.
Monica: All right, Phoebe get open.
Rachel, go long.
Rachel: (on the verge of tears) Okay.
Monica: Break!
(In slow motion, Phoebe
snaps the ball, Rachel goes long. Joey and Chandler and all over
Phoebe, leaving Rachel wide open. Ross starts to rush Monica, who
sees Phoebe is double covered, in desperation she throws to
Rachel. We see flying through the air, and then Rachel running
underneath it, then the ball, then Rachel again, then the ball,
then Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey staring at it in shock. Then with
the grace of Jerry Rice (no offense to Jerry Rice), Rachel
catches the ball, and she stops and spikes the ball. Both Phoebe
and Monica erupt in celebration.)
Rachel: (in triumph) I
got a touchdown! We did it!!
Chandler: Hey-hey-hey Rachel, funny
thing. Actually, the ah, end zone starts at that pole, so
youre five feet short, so we win!
Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait-wait! So,
explain something to me though, if, if nobody tagged Rachel, then
isnt the play still going.
(they all start to dive for
the ball and Monica and Ross grab it at the same time.)
Ross: Let go! Let go!
Monica: Let go! Im a tiny little
woman!!
Chandler: Guys! Guys! Come on! Its
Thanksgiving, its not important who wins or loses. The
important thing is, (to
Joey) the Dutch girl picked
me! Me! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam!
Good night!!
Monica: Ow!!
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are
eating Thanksgiving dinner.]
Rachel: We should defiantly play
football more often. Maybe theres a like league we could
join or something.
Phoebe: Isnt there a national
football league.
Chandler: Yes. Yes, there is, they play
on Sundays and Monday nights.
Rachel: Oh shoot! I work Monday nights.
Phoebe: Umm, this stuffing is amazing.
Do you think we should bring them some?
Joey: When theyre hungry
enough, theyll come in.
[Scene: The park,
its dark outside and Monica and Ross are still fighting
over the ball.]
Monica: Let go!
Ross: No! You let go!
Monica: No!
Ross: How come its always us
left in the field holding the ball?
Monica: I dont know. I guess the
other people just dont care enough.
(It starts snowing.)
Ross: Hey! Its starting to
snow.
(They both look up, and
watch it start to snow. Then they both start fighting for the
ball again.)
Ross: Gimme the this!
Monica: Let go!
END