Story by: Pan-ni Landrum & Mark J. Kunerth
Teleplay by: Adam Chase
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe is there. Bonnie is telling them of her sex-capades.
Chandler: (to Bonnie) So
ah, your first sexual experience was with a woman?!
Bonnie: All right, I was 15, it was my
best friend, Ruth, and we got drunk on that hard cider, and then
suddenly, I dont know, we were, we were making out.
Chandler: Tell it again. (pause, we see Rachel is not amused.) Seriously.
[cut to Rachel and
Monica at the counter.]
Rachel: (to Monica) I mean
is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?
Joey: Yeah, sure. Well y'know,
earlier she was talking about geography.
Monica: Joey, she was listing the
countries shes done it in.
Joey: Well, I think we all learned
something.
Phoebe: (entering, hurridly) Hey, you guys! Look what I found! Look at this! (She hands Chandler a picture) Thats my Moms writing! Look.
Chandler: (reading the back of the picture) Me and Frank and Phoebe, Graduation
1965.
Phoebe: Y'know what that means?
Joey: That youre actually 50?
Phoebe: No-no, thats not,
thats not me Phoebe, thats her pal Phoebe.
According to her high school yearbook, they were like B.F.F. (Ross and Bonnie look at her
quizzically) Best Friends
Forever.
All: Oh!
Rachel: That is so cool.
Phoebe: I know! So this woman probably
could like have all kinds of stories about my parents, and she
might even know like where my Dad is. So I looked her up, and she
lives out by the beach. So maybe this weekend we could go to the
beach?
All: Yeah! Yeah, we can!
Bonnie: (to Ross) Shoot! I
cant go, I have to work!
Ross: Thats too bad.
Rachel: (sarcastic) Ohh, big, fat bummerrr.
Phoebe: So great! Okay! Tomorrow
were gonna drive out to Montauk.
Joey: Hey, Bonnie had sex there!
(Rachel turns and gives him
a look, and Joey quickly apologises.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are waiting for Phoebe to arrive with the cab.]
Monica: (watching a happy couple walk by, arm in arm) Would you look at them. Am I ever gonna
find a boyfriend again? I gonna die an old maid.
Chandler: Youre not gonna die an
old maid, maybe an old
spinster cook.
Monica: (sarcastic)
Thanks!
Chandler: Hey now besides, if worst comes
to worst, Ill be your boyfriend.
(At that suggestion Monica
starts laughing.)
Monica: Yeah right.
Chandler: Why is that so funny?
Monica: You made a joke right? So I
laughed.
Chandler: Ha-ha-ha. A little to hard.
What am I not ah, boyfriend material?
Monica: Well, no. Youre Chandler.
Y'know, Chandler! (hits him
on the arm)
Chandler: Okay, so weve established
my name, and hit me. But theoretically y'know, I mean say we
werent friends, say its a blind date. I show up at
your door, and Im like
(in a fake voice) Hey, nice to meet, ya. Hey,
oh-hey.
Monica: Well Id probably be
scared of a guy using a fake voice.
Joey: (walking up carrying a brown paper bag) Hey!
Monica: Oh, hey! Oh good, you brought
food!
Joey: No, its just my luggage.
(Phoebe drives up.)
Chandler, Monica, and
Joey: Hey!!
Joey: Woo-hoo! All right! Yeah!
Phoebe: Oh, I am having the best karma
this week. First, I find this woman who knew my parents, and then
my client with the fuzzy back gives me his beach house.
Ross: Yeah? What about ah, that bike
messenger you hit?
Phoebe: Oh, I wasnt talking about
his karma.
Rachel: (approaching)
Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey-hey, check out the hat!
(She is wearing this giant
straw hat, the brim on it must be at least, least foot
wide.)
Chandler: What a minute, I know that hat! I was taken aboard that hat! They did
experiments on me! I cant have children!!
Monica: Seriously, where did you get
the hat?
Rachel: Ross gave it to me.
Ross: Yeah, I think she looks good.
Rachel: Ohh, thank you.
Chandler: Buy it for ya, or win it for
ya?
Rachel: Well excuse me, my
fashion-impaired friends, I am here to tell you that hats are
back.
Phoebe: And this time, theyve
ganged up to form one giant, super hat.
[Scene: At the
Beach, its raining cats and dogs as the gang arrives.
Chandler and Monica are taking shelter under Rachels hat.]
Ross: Go, go, go!
Rachel: Oh yeah, now everybody wants to
be under this hat!
(They get inside and notice
on small problem.)
Phoebe: Oy!!
Monica: Whats with all this sand? (picking a handful of sand off of the
floor, which is covered in sand)
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, Bob said there might
be flood damage.
Ross: Yeah, either that, or he has a
really big cat.
[Scene: Phoebe Sr. house, she is a real estate agent and is
trying to sell a house over the phone. By the way, its
still raining outside.]
Phoebe Sr: Well, yes, its
kindve an unusual house. It has umm, three beautiful
bedrooms and ah, no baths. But y'know, the ocean is right there.
Phoebe: (at the door)
Knock, knock, knock.
Phoebe Sr: (on phone) Ah, oh,
hang on a second. (to
Phoebe) Come in, come in. (on phone) All right, so think about it, and call me back. (hangs up)
Phoebe: (entering) Are
you ah, Phoebe Abott?
Phoebe Sr: Ahh, yes.
Phoebe: Hi Phoebe Abott, Im your
best friends daughter!
Phoebe Sr: Youre Erwins
daughter?!
Phoebe: No, I-I mean your-your old best
friend, here. (hands her
the picture) Lily, from
high school. Remember?
Phoebe Sr: Oh gosh, Lily, yes. Of course I
remember Lily. I... Then you must be?
Phoebe: (points to herself) Phoebe. (points to
her) Phoebe. Phoebe, yeah.
She named me after you I guess.
Phoebe Sr: Uh-huh. Wow! Well, look!
Theres Frank. (points
to the picture.)
Phoebe: Yes!! Yes! Yes! Yes!!
Thats my Dad, thats Frank! Yeah! Im sorry
Im getting all flingy.
Phoebe Sr: Take it easy--if you want,
theres cookies on the counter, or, or--sangria! (jumps up) I can make sangria!
Phoebe: No-no, sorry. Cookies are good,
thanks.
Phoebe Sr: Oh.
Phoebe: (goes and gets some cookies) Well, so, umm, anyway umm, Ive
been, Ive been looking for my Father, and umm, have you
heard from him, or seen him?
Phoebe Sr: Oh no, I-Im sorry, I
guess we lost track of everybody after high school.
Phoebe: (disappointed) Oh,
okay. Well, so tell me everything about my parents. Everything.
Phoebe Sr: Ohh, well. Y'know we were
always together, in fact the had a nickname for the three of us.
Phoebe: Oh, what? What was it?
Phoebe Sr: The three losers. Oh, poor
Lily. (Phoebe notices a
picture on the fridge, takes it, and puts it in her pocket.) Ohh, y'know I-I heard about what
happened, that must have been just terrible for you, losing your
mother that way.
Phoebe: (happily) Yeah,
no, it was great.
[Scene: The beach
house, its still raining. Chandler is building a sand
castle, Rachel is doing Monicas nails, and theyre all
drinking margaritas, obviously bored.]
Joey: (getting an idea)
Hey, y'know what a really good rainy day game is?
Monica: What?!
Joey: I mean naked game. Strip poker,
we should totally play strip poker.
All: No, no!
Monica: What are you crazy?!
Joey: Come on! When you go away,
you-you have to play, its like a law!
Rachel: (to Monica) Allll
done!
Monica: Aww, thank you.
Rachel: Okay, whos next?! (She looks around the room, and stops
when she comes to Ross.)
Ross: No-o-o! (Rachel gives him a Please?
look.) No way!
Rachel: Come on, please?! Im
boredddd! You let me do it once before.
(Ross shoots Joey a look,
who shoots Chandler a look, who gives Joey an Oh my
God. look back.)
Ross: Yeah well, if ah, if
thats the rule this weekend... (She gets up) No!
Rachel: Yes! (she starts creeping up on him)
Ross: Get away!
Rachel: Just once!
Ross: Stay away!
Rachel: Take it like a man, Ross!
Ross: (he gets up and starts to run away from her) No! (in his escape attempt he crushes Chandlers sand
castle) No!
Rachel: Oh, come on!
Chandler: Big bullies!!
(Ross dives over the couch,
Rachel goes the other way, and lands up top of him.)
Ross: Ow! Ow! Oh, no-no-no!
(They get into a wrestling
match, that ends with Ross making Rachel paint her forehead with
the nail polish. They both end up lying next to each other, stop,
and look at each other for a moment.)
Phoebe: (entering) Oh,
hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Oh, so, how are we doing?
Chandler: Bored and bored!
Joey: Hey, you know what naked card
game is never boring?
All: Noo!!
Monica: (to Phoebe) So
whats Phoebe like?
Phoebe: Im kind, caring, and
sweet. Whats Monica like?
Monica: Ah no, the other Phoebe, the
one you went to go see.
Phoebe: Ohh, I think she knows where my
Dad is.
Joey: What?
Rachel: Really?!
Monica: Oh well, where is he?!
Phoebe: She was acting, she was
pretending like she hasnt heard from him on years, but I
found this picture on her fridge, and look (shows Monica)! Isnt this what he would look
like now?
Monica: (gasps) Totally
familiar. (Phoebe shows the
rest of them.)
Rachel: Oh, yeah.
The Guys: Yeah!
Monica: Well, why would she lie to you?
Phoebe: I dont know, but
were having dinner tomorrow night, so I figured, shes
gonna tell me then. Y'know maybe she just wanted to give him time
to, buy me presents, I dont know! So, youre all
bored?
All: Ohh!!
Chandler: Yes!
Phoebe: All right, Im gonna close
my eyes and point to someone, and you, whoever I point has to
come up with something fun for us to do, and we have to do
it.
Joey: Okay, all right.
Phoebe: Okay.
Joey: Fan out! Fan out!
(They do so, and Phoebe
gets in the middle, closes her eyes, and starts spinning in a
circle.)
Phoebe: Okay. (Starts to spin) Ooh, y'know we could just do this. (She stops at Chandler)
Chandler: Okay, umm, we all have to play
strip poker.
Joey: (jumping in triumph) OH YES!!!!!
[cut to later]
Monica: Strip Happy Days Game?
Joey: Yeah, well, I couldnt
find any cards, so it was either this or Strip Bag Of Old
Knitting Stuff.
(Monica rolls, and Ross
goes first.)
Ross: Okay, (reading the card) Fonzy gives you two thumbs up, collect
two cool points. Yeah.
Phoebe: Monica, if you get five cool
points, you get to make somebody take off one item of clothing.
It hasnt happened yet, but were all very excited.
Ross: Okay, come on! (blows on the dice) Daddy needs a new pair of
electromagnetic microscopes for the Prehistoric Forensics
Department! (They all look
at him, and he shuts up and rolls the dice.) (he moves his piece) Okay. (reading a card)
Take Pinky Tuscadero up to Inspiration Point, collect three cool
points!! Yeah! Which gives me five, and lets see who is
gonna lose their clothes. Ummmm, I think I pick our strip poker
sponsor Mr. Joey Tribianni.
The Girls: Woo-hooooo!!!!
Joey: All right, relax. Its
just a shoe.
All: Wooooo!!!!
[cut to later in
the game]
Rachel: (reading a card)
Okay, your band is playing at Arnolds, collect three cool
points. Which means, I have five, and that means I get
Joeys boxers!
Joey: Fine. Gang up on me! I got you
all right where I want you.
Phoebe: Come on, take em off!!
Joey: Actually, y'know its
kinda cold, so how about I keep my boxers on, and give you all a
peek at the good stuff?
Rachel: (getting up) All
right, Im gonna make more margaritas! (She pours the rest of the pitcher into
Rosss glass.)
Ross: Whoa, hey! What are doing?
Trying to get me drunk?
Rachel: Im just making
margaritas.
Ross: Okay.
Monica: I think Ill help her out.
(She gets up to go over and
help Rachel, and reveals she has no pants.) (to Rachel) What is going on here?
Rachel: What?!
Monica: You painting his toenails?
Rachel: Oh, come on!
Monica: Chasing him all around the
room?
Rachel: Monica, please?
Monica: Hes totally flirting with
you too.
Rachel: (pause) He is,
isnt he? I dont know, I dont know, I mean maybe
its just being here at the beach together or, I dont
know. But its like something... (shes interrupted by the sound of
Bonnie entering)
Bonnie: Hey!
Ross: Hey! (Rachel is shocked) Hi Bonnie!
Bonnie: Hi! My boss let me off early,
so I took the train.
Ross: Oh.
Bonnie: What are you guys doing?!
Joey: Were playing Strip Happy
Days Game!
Bonnie: Cool! Ill catch up! (She takes off her sweater.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene:
The beach house, the next morning. Chandler and Monica are in the
kitchen eating breakfast.]
Chandler: So, you still dont think
Im boyfriend material?
Monica: Huh?
Chandler: I saw you checking me out
during the game last night.
Monica: You didnt even take off
your pants.
Chandler: Yeah, well, lucky for you.
Monica: What?
Chandler: I dont know.
Rachel: (entering) Well!
Is everybody else having just the best time?!
Phoebe: Shhh! Shhhh! Joeys
asleep.
(Joey is sleeping on the
floor and is buried in sand that has been carved into a mermaid
complete with breasts.)
Phoebe: After he passed out, we put the
sand around him to keep him warm.
Rachel: Well I assume the ah, happy
couple isnt up yet. Did you guys hear them last night?
Chandler: Oh, yeah, I dont know
what they were doing, but at one point sea turtles actually came
up to the house.
(Ross and Bonnie enter)
Ross: Good morning.
All: Hey.
Bonnie: Hey! How did everybody sleep?
Rachel: Oh, great.
Monica: Like a log.
Ross and Bonnie: Us too.
Rachel: Im going for a walk.
(Joey finally wakes up.)
Ross: (to Joey) Good morning. Nice breasts by the way.
(Joey looks down and his
look turns from shock to satisfaction.)
[Scene: The porch,
Bonnie is coming back from swimming, Rachel is reading.]
Bonnie: Hey, what happened to you?
Rachel: Oh, ah nothin. I just
felt like hangin out here and reading.
Bonnie: Oh, the water was sooo great!
We jumped off this pier and my suit came off.
Rachel: Ohhhh, sorry I missed that.
Bonnie: Yeah, Joey and Chandler sure
are funny.
Rachel: Ohh-ha-ha!
Bonnie: I think I brought back half of
the beach in my hair. It was so much easier when I used to shave
my head.
Rachel: Y'know, I gotta tell ya, I just
loved your look when you were bald.
Bonnie: Really?!
Rachel: Ohh!
Bonnie: Because I think about shaving
it all off again sometime.
Rachel: Really?!
Bonnie: Yeah!
Rachel: I mean you definitely should do
that.
Bonnie: Y'know what, I should do it.
Rachel: Yeah!
Bonnie: Yeah, thank you Rachel, you are
soo cool.
Rachel: Awww, stop. Come on. Now go
shave that head!
Bonnie: All right.
(As Bonnie goes to do just
that, Rachel smiles to herself, proud of what shes done.)
[Scene: The beach house, at night. Phoebe is hangs up the
phone, and gently pushes one of the stools over.]
Joey: Whats the matter, Pheebs?
Phoebe: She cancelled! My namesake
cancelled on me!
Joey: What?!
Phoebe: Yeah, she clamed she had to go
out of town suddenly. Shes avoiding me, she doesnt
want to tell me where my Father is. She knows, and she wont
tell me.
Rachel: Aww Pheebs, that sucks!
Phoebe: Yeah, well, dont
Aww Pheebs, that sucks! me yet. (she starts to leave)
Chandler: Where ya going?
Phoebe: Well, shes out of town
so, theres gotta be something in her house that tells me
where my Father is.
Ross: Uh, Pheebs, some people call
that breaking and entering.
Phoebe: Well, are any of those people
here?!
All: Oh, no!! No, no!
Phoebe: Okay, look I-I-I do something
nice, okay? Ill-Ill fill her ice trays.
(She exits just as Bonnie
comes down the stairs, as bald as Michael Jordan.)
Bonnie: Hey, everybody!
All: Wow!! (they all recoil in shock and horror)
Ross: Wh-haa-haa! Look what cha
did! (Rachel has her hand
over her mouth to keep from laughing.)
Bonnie: You wanna touch it?
Ross: Nooo, but it, but its
great.
Bonnie: Come on, touch it!
Ross: Okay. (He gently touches it.) You can feel all the bones in your
skull.
[Scene: Outside the
beach house, Ross is coming out to talk to Rachel.]
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: I was having a little chat with
ah, Bonnie, and ah, guess what, she-she happened to bring up
y'know, who was behind the um, whole head shaving idea, and now,
who was it? Oh, thats right, thats right, it was you!
Rachel: That was her idea, I
just gave her a nudge.
Ross: She said you gave her the
razor!
Bonnie: (joining them) Hey
guys.
Rachel: Hey!
Bonnie: So, anyone up for a midnight
dip in the ocean?
Ross: Ahh, no, Im good.
Bonnie: Okay, Ill see you in a
bit.
Ross: Okay, have fun! Wooo!!
Rachel: Come on see, she doesnt
look that bad.
Ross: You can see the moonlight
bouncing off her head! What the hell were you thinking?!!
Rachel: I dont know.
Ross: You dont know?! Rach, you
balded my girlfriend!
Rachel: All right! Ross, do you think
its easy for me to see you with somebody else?
Ross: Y'know, hey! Youre the
one who ended it, remember?
Rachel: Yeah, because I was mad
at you, not because I stopped loving you!
Ross: You still love me?
Rachel: Noo.
Ross: You still love me.
Rachel: Oh, y-yeah, so, you-you love
me!
Ross: Noo, nnnnn. What does this mean? What
do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together?
Rachel: Noo! Maybe! I, I dont
know. Ross, I still cant forgive you for what you did, I
cant, I just, but sometimes when Im with you I just,
I feel so...
Ross: What?!
Rachel: I just, I feel, I-I just...
Ross: What?
Rachel: I feel...
(Ross leans in and kisses
her. They both look at each other for a moment, and then embrace
in a more passionate kiss, only to be interrupted by Joey and
Chandler coming outside.)
Chandler: (to Joey) Noo!! I
dont care! Im not, Im not gonna playing
one-on-one strip poker with you for practice!
(Rachel and Ross both stop
kissing, and quickly step back from each other.)
Joey: But I made cards!!
Rachel: Well! Good night. (to Ross) Im going upstairs.
Joey and Chandler: Gnight.
(Rachel walks inside,
stops, and turns back to look at Ross for a moment then goes
upstairs.)
Joey: (to Ross) Wanna
play strip poker for practice?
[Scene: Phoebe
Sr.s house, Phoebe is breaking in through a window.]
(She throws her bag inside, and starts to climb through the
window. She gets halfway in and the window slams shut on her
butt.)
Phoebe: Ow! My ass. Okay. Okay. (She manages to climb completely inside
and the window slams shut.) Oh,
shhh!
(She starts walking across
the darkened room and hits her head on a wind chime hanging from
the ceiling, to stop it from making a noise she grabs it and
Shhhs it. She goes into the kitchen and finds
Phoebe Sr.s appointment book, to read it she opens the
freezer. Just as she starts to read, Phoebe Sr. jumps out from
her bedroom with a coat hanger, startling Phoebe.)
Phoebe: No! No!! Its me!
Its me! I-I didnt want to make any noise!
Phoebe Sr: Then don't break in!!
Phoebe: Im sorry.
Phoebe Sr: What are you doing here?!
Phoebe: I-I, came to fill your ice cube
trays.
Phoebe Sr: What?!
Phoebe: Umm, okay, okay, look. I took
this picture from your fridge. Okay, because I know that this is
my Father. Yeah, this is Frank Buffay and you are standing right
there next to him. Now, look I deserve to know where I came from.
All right? So if you can help me find my Father then you should!
Otherwise, youre just mean! (pause) So, just
tell me the truth!
Phoebe Sr: All right, the man in the
picture is Chuck Magioni.
Phoebe: My Father is Chuck Magioni?
Phoebe Sr: No, no, thats just Chuck
Magioni, I-I sold him a house last year! And Im very sorry,
but I dont know where your Father is, and thats the
truth.
Phoebe: Oh.
Phoebe Sr: But umm, youre right. I
think that a person should know where they come from. Wh-which is
why I ah, (pause) ahh, (pause) okay.
Im your mother.
Phoebe: Heh?
Phoebe Sr: Y'know I wanted to tell you
yesterday, but I just, I kinda felt all floopy, and...
(At that Phoebes eyes
open in shock.)
[Scene: Outside the beach house, Ross is telling Joey and
Chandler what happened with Rachel.]
Joey: Im telling ya, you guys
are totally getting back together!
Ross: Thats not true! Her, she
doesnt even know what she wants! Rachels still mad
about the whole thing.
Chandler: Okay, then you gotta back away,
all right? You dont need that kindve hurt. Take it
from a guy whos never had a long term relationship......
Ross: I know, but ahhhhhh!! I really
wanna go up there and finish that kiss!
Bonnie: (coming back from her swim) Hey!
Chandler: Ahhhh! (Steps away from her.)
Bonnie: You guys, the waters
great. You should really go in.
Chandler: Oh, ahh, no thanks, I just had
an M&M.
Bonnie: Okay, well gnight.
Ross: Good night.
Bonnie: (kisses Ross)
Dont be too long.
Ross: Okey-dokey!
Chandler: There is not one hair on
that head.
Ross: Hey, itll grow back,
right? And she-shes really fun, and shes cool,
and-and Im finally moving on. Y'know? I mean getting over
Rachel was so (makes an
incoherent nasal sound),
y'know? Y'know, and Im finally feeling sane again. And now
if I go up there, and-and I kiss her, and, Gooood I wanna kiss
her, and-and-and it doesnt work out, right? Do I really
wanna put myself through that again?
Joey: So let me get this straight. If
you go with Bonnie tonight, youre doing the smart, healthy
thing and moving on.
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Right, and you go with Rachel,
Bonnies free tonight?
[Scene: The hallway
between the bedrooms. Ross is coming upstairs and stops between
two doors. He looks at the one on the right, then he looks at the
one on his left, thinks about it, and goes in the one on his
right.]
Ross: (entering the bedroom) Hi. (closes the
door)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene:
The beach house, Chandler is simulating hes coming to pick
up Monica for a date. Chandler knocks on the door, and Monica
answers it.]
Chandler: (in a fake voice)
Hi there.
Monica: Thats that weird voice
again.
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Let me try it
again, youre gonna wanna date this next guy, I swear!
(Monica closes the door,
Chandler knocks, and Monica opens it to reveal Chandler on his
knees.)
Chandler: Hi! Im Dwarf! Youre
date for the evening. (Monica
walks away in disgust) Oh
come on! Dwarf on dating, thats good stuff!!
END