THE SOCKS

A philosophical-sartorial jest

Pierre-Yves Millot

translation by Anne-Marie Obajtek-Kirkwood (Assistant Professor of French Culture and Communication at Drexel University, Philadelphia)
original title : Les Chaussettes



CHARACTERS:

Emile Sock (Hortense Sock's Husband)
Hortense Sock (Emile Sock's Wife)
Alphonse Fish (Man from the street)

Emile Sock by himself, sitting on a chair, five or sick pairs of socks in front of him.

EMILE SOCK
The thing is to choose a good pair of socks. (He tries on a pair.) Socks of blue for a day brand new! (He looks at his feet.) Yes but...blue socks for today... for a day like today... Are they really appropriate?... Let's see... Let's rather try these on... (He tries them on.) Socks of green, realize all your dreams! Yes but...I'll have to talk to my wife... she hates green, to a degree that is difficult to imagine. For her, green represents the acme of abjection, the paroxysm of ugliness...She's like that, my wife - full of prejudices. (He tries on a third pair.) Socks of black, your hopes become fact! (He gets up, takes a few steps, looks at them with a satisfactory smile, then seems to suddenly change his mind.) No! No, I say! Out of question! Come on! I'm not a clown! I have the right to at least some small degree of respect! After all! I'm not just anybody!...Emile Sock! Yes! My name is Sock, like a sock! That's chance for you!… He takes off the socks and flings them away, then tries a new pair on. Socks of white, a future so bright! There, that's what I need. A pair of... white socks!

Enter Hortense Sock.

HORTENSE SOCK
So, that's it? You've picked your socks? (catching sight of her husband's feet) You put on white socks? (reproachfully) Socks of white, a future not bright!

EMILE SOCK
Oh no! It is: Socks of white, a future so bright!

HORTENSE SOCK
No, no! It is: Socks of white, a future not bright! Anyway, do as you wish after all, they're your socks; this is your problem, your life, your socks. (Meanwhile, Emile gathers up his scattered socks and puts them away.) By the way, did you finish your coffee-maker?

EMILE SOCK
Umm... No... I have trouble with the spout... As easy as it was with the filter... but with this... I don't know why but… I'm stuck!...I'm stuck on the spout.

HORTENSE SOCK
There's always something that stops you. Like with the gas-powered radiator, you got stuck on the reservoir. Not to mention the pumpkin-peeler, the erasing pen, the tartar-sauce cutter-wire, the jetless plane, the French fryer, the polluted-air deoxygenator, the capsule-accelerator, the clergyman's spray or the propeller-can opener... Why don't you call Master Nocari ?

EMILE SOCK
Yes! Right, that's a good idea...yes...I'll do so. (He picks up the phone and dials the number) Hello! I'd like to speak with Master Nocari please...Oh...I see...He's gone out?...He's dead?!... Good heavens... well... All right... but you're sure that...Yes, obviously... all right… Good-bye, Mrs... And again all my... She hung up! Arrgh! That bitch! The bitch hung up!

HORTENSE SOCK
Now, Emile! Who was it?

EMILE SOCK
It was his wife. He's dead.

HORTENSE SOCK
Who is? Nocari? Nocari's dead? Impossible! He was not the type to go and die without warning... What will you do about your coffee-maker?

EMILE SOCK
(suddenly discouraged) I suppose I'll drop it. What a pity! We'll drink jasmine tea or frozen orangeade.

HORTENSE SOCK
Or barrels of oil!

EMILE SOCK
Giraffe piss!

HORTENSE SOCK
Niagara Falls!

EMILE SOCK
Pancreatic liquid, acetone, bishop's blood, adrenaline!

HORTENSE SOCK
Is that drinkable?

EMILE SOCK
… sock juice! (A long silence follows.)

EMILE SOCK
(speaking distinctly and slowly) Sock juice.

He takes off his socks and squeezes them as if he were trying to get some juice out of them.

HORTENSE SOCK
Squeeze harder!

EMILE SOCK
Nothing's coming of this!

HORTENSE SOCK
Make an effort!!

EMILE SOCK
Look! I am wringing!

HORTENSE SOCK
Is it coming? Oh my!

EMILE SOCK
You see! It's all in the wrist!

HORTENSE SOCK
Yes but nothing's coming and I'm pissed!

Silence.

EMILE SOCK
You see... It is the socks. I should have known that socks of white...(annoyed) and there you have it! A whole day wasted! Ruined! And yet it was looking like such a good day. There was an I-don't-know-what in the air that foretold of good things, wasn't there?

HORTENSE SOCK
I didn't feel anything like that.

EMILE SOCK
Obviously. We don't feel the same things. Yet it was in the air, I'm sure of that.

HORTENSE SOCK
If it was in the air, it should still be there !

EMILE SOCK
Not necessarily. There are things that evaporate, Madam, there are things that disappear, Madam, there are things that get buried in space, Madam...There are things that...(searching for words) that...

HORTENSE SOCK
Oh! For sure, there are lots of things! (She makes her way to the closet and opens the door; a barrage of ill-assorted objects falls out) There! All of your things, Sir! These aren't about to evaporate!

EMILE SOCK
My inventions! Careful! You'll damage them!

HORTENSE SOCK
None of them works anyway!

EMILE SOCK
They are prototypes! I've told you a hundred times that prototypes are not made to work.

HORTENSE SOCK
What are they made for?

EMILE SOCK
They're made for...they're prototypes, that's all. And besides, there are some that work.

HORTENSE SOCK
Oh really? Which ones?

EMILE SOCK
Well... Here! The fishing rod! You want me to show you how it works? Look, you can go fishing right out of the window.

He folds out the fishing rod and casts the line out the window. After a moment

HORTENSE SOCK
You've got a bite?

Silence.

EMILE SOCK
Nevertheless … all of these people who won't stop dying...it annoys me finally.

HORTENSE SOCK
Are you thinking of Nocari?

EMILE SOCK
Nocari and all the others! That's quite a bunch of them!… (He jerks his line suddenly, as if there was something on the hook.) Aha! This is a big one! I know what's what! Good heavens! I can't even pull it up! Come on! Help me Hortense! This is a hell of a bite! Do you see that the fishing-rod works now? So, come on!

HORTENSE SOCK
I'm coming! I'm coming!

They both clutch the fishing rod. After a moment Alphonse Fish appears at the end of the line. He comes in through the window.

EMILE SOCK
Hey! Who's he?!

HORTENSE SOCK
Now that's a catch!

EMILE SOCK
What are you doing here?

ALPHONSE FISH
What am I doing here?! Do you think I just came in of my own accord?! It was you, was it not, who caught me. I was quietly walking down the street and vup! A fish-hook caught the lapel of my jacket and lifted me right off the ground! Carried me skywards! I tried as I could to grab onto a fat lady who was passing by, but to no avail! Lifted off the ground! (suddenly poetic) Flying into hyperspace! And there I was, navigating beside the comets, my hair in the stars, juggling galaxies, breathing interstellar smells, open-eyed and staring into nothingness!... Oh! My friends! What aroma! And I drifting in the midst of all this delight. What lightness! What lightness!…

HORTENSE SOCK
We'll check this right away. Emile, go get the scale. (He brings in a scale.) Get on it. We'll check this right away.

Fish gets onto the scale. Emile and Hortense lean forward to see the needle.

HORTENSE SOCK
Look! The needle isn't moving! Zero kilo!

EMILE SOCK
Zero kilo?

HORTENSE SOCK
Zero kilo!

ALPHONSE FISH
Zero kilo?

HORTENSE SOCK
Zero kilo!

ALL THREE TOGETHER
Zero kilo!!!

Silence

ALPHONSE FISH
Your scale is out of order.

EMILE SOCK
How do you know? Are you an expert?

ALPHONSE FISH
Expert's the word. I repair scales, ceilings, wallets, grapefruits, Adam's apples, hunting grounds, end-of-the-year meals, trips to the country, regrettable oversights, unexpected encounters, exaggerated applause, hydrangeas, and especially...coffee-makers!

EMILE SOCK
You don't mean it! You're turning up in the nick of time! This is fate!

ALPHONSE FISH
Your coffee-maker is out of order?

EMILE SOCK
One could say... no, that's not it... You see, I'm in the process of building a coffee-maker but... in a word, I'm stuck on the spout.

ALPHONSE FISH
That doesn't surprise me!

EMILE SOCK
Oh really? Why not?

ALPHONSE FISH
Because, it's the most difficult part to design. On the surface of it, it seems really easy, but when you think about it... It's quasi-metaphysical.

EMILE SOCK
Quasi-metaphysical?

ALPHONSE FISH
Quasi-metaphysical

HORTENSE SOCK
Quasi-metaphysical?

ALPHONSE FISH
Quasi-metaphysical. Besides, as for me, I only repair coffee-makers that did already work. Building a coffee-maker, that's a completely different story... A lot of imagination is needed.

HORTENSE SOCK
And he doesn't have any!

EMILE SOCK
The hell I don't have any!

HORTENSE SOCK
Indeed not, you don't have any.

EMILE SOCK
That's because you don't know me!

HORTENSE SOCK
Come on! For as long as we've lived together...I know you... inside out.

She looks in the direction of Emile's feet. The other two imitate her. A long silence.

EMILE SOCK
You think so, but in fact you don't know me, you only know what I did wish to show you. The other part of me, that which I keep to myself, has a lot more imagination than the one you know.

HORTENSE SOCK
All right...I'm listening, invent something for me, give me a little of the you that you usually keep to yourself.

EMILE SOCK
Do you really deserve it?

HORTENSE SOCK
(to Fish) He really is a conceited braggart, don't you think?

ALPHONSE FISH
He damaged my jacket.

EMILE SOCK
How?

ALPHONSE FISH
You damaged my jacket with your fish-hook. Look at the tear you made! A beautiful brand new jacket… that was left to me by my great-grand-father. A family jewel! (suddenly loosing patience) Do you realize! And you think this will pass just like that! (He grabs Sock.)

EMILE SOCK
Hey! Oh! What 's the matter with you!

Fish tears off a piece of his shirt.

EMILE SOCK
Hey! My shirt!

ALPHONSE FISH
Aha! Now you see what it is like to get a piece of clothing destroyed!

EMILE SOCK
He's crazy!

HORTENSE SOCK
As long as he doesn't touch your socks…

Fish goes and sits down in a corner of the room.

ALPHONSE FISH
Well! As for me, I'm going to take a little nap...This whole story...it's exhausting...

He closes his eyes and starts to go to sleep.

EMILE SOCK
Look! Now he's going to sleep!

HORTENSE SOCK
Let him be, he seems tired... And besides, if he traveled through hyperspace!… Hyperspace must be quite tiring!

EMILE SOCK
You think he really was in hyperspace?

HORTENSE SOCK
Why not?

EMILE SOCK
You think that between the moment I fished him up and the moment he came through the window, he had time to travel through hyperspace?

HORTENSE SOCK
Why not?

EMILE SOCK
And stop saying "why not?" Argue!

HORTENSE SOCK
Look at his expression. You think he would have that expression if he hadn't gone into hyperspace?

EMILE SOCK
I'm going to wake him up.

HORTENSE SOCK
Leave him be.

EMILE SOCK
(drawing nearer to him) Hey! This isn't a hotel.

ALPHONSE FISH
(waking up with difficulty) What's going on?

EMILE SOCK
Come on! Wake up!

ALPHONSE FISH
What's going on? What am I doing here?

EMILE SOCK
Don't pretend you have forgotten everything...

ALPHONSE FISH
But I assure you that...

EMILE SOCK
And what about my shirt! Maybe you don't remember that you tore it! I caught you with my fishing-rod a little while ago...

ALPHONSE FISH
What are you saying?! Caught me with a fishing rod?! (He starts laughing) With a fishing rod! Ha! Ha! Ha! That's really too funny!

EMILE SOCK
Yes, he did! Look at the tear we made in your jacket!

ALPHONSE FISH
What! You damaged my brand new jacket!

EMILE SOCK
There we go! He is at it again!

ALPHONSE FISH
The brand-new jacket that my great-grand-father had bestowed upon me on his death-bed! He had called for me by his side, I who then was a young boy, and had told me in a trembling voice: "Can you see how beautiful this jacket is… I never wore it… it is new… I entrust it to you… it is important… do always wear it … "

HORTENSE SOCK
And you have kept wearing it?

ALPHONSE FISH
Always, since that day!

HORTENSE SOCK
What a beautiful story! But for all this time… It is not new then, is it?

ALPHONSE FISH
My great-grand-father died this very morning!

HORTENSE SOCK
Oh! Then I understand…

ALPHONSE FISH
He was a great man.

HORTENSE SOCK
Of course!

ALPHONSE FISH
A genius!

HORTENSE SOCK
Naturally!

ALPHONSE FISH
A super-being!

HORTENSE SOCK
No doubt!

ALPHONSE FISH
A God.

HORTENSE SOCK
Naturally.

EMILE SOCK
(in the same tone as Fish) A sauerkraut!

HORTENSE SOCK
To be sure!

EMILE SOCK
A big yoghurt!

HORTENSE SOCK
Quite so!

EMILE SOCK
The biggest of all socks!

A moment of silence. They all look somewhat at a loss.

HORTENSE SOCK
What was his name?

ALPHONSE FISH
Fish, like me.

EMILE SOCK
Your name is Fish?

ALPHONSE FISH
Fish, like his. But he did not keep his name very long.

EMILE SOCK
Oh really? Why not?

ALPHONSE FISH
Do you find it easy to be called Fish?

EMILE SOCK
My name is Sock, mind you!

HORTENSE SOCK
And so is mine! My name is also Sock!

ALPHONSE FISH
Is it indeed? Your name is Sock?

EMILE SOCK
Emile Sock.

HORTENSE SOCK
Hortense Sock.

ALPHONSE FISH
Alphonse Fish.

They shake hands in turn.

EMILE SOCK
It was time to get introduced. Sure enough, we are chatting and chatting and we don't even know what we are talking about! So, your great-grand-father changed names?

ALPHONSE FISH
Yes, he did. He changed to Nocari.

HORTENSE SOCK
Nocari? Master Nocari?

ALPHONSE FISH
Himself.

HORTENSE SOCK
So you're Master Nocari's great-grandson?!

ALPHONSE FISH
Of late Master Nocari.

HORTENSE SOCK
Fancy that! This is extraordinary!

EMILE SOCK
Extraordinary? I suppose.

HORTENSE SOCK
Well really! Master Nocari… Last time we saw him, he was forty years old! no more!

EMILE SOCK
So what?

HORTENSE SOCK
Well, the gentleman here is his great-grand son!

EMILE SOCK
Right, but last time we saw him… was years ago!

HORTENSE SOCK
Are you sure?

EMILE SOCK
Absolutely! It even was well before the…

HORTENSE SOCK
The… ?

ALPHONSE FISH
The…?

EMILE SOCK
Yes, well before the…

HORTENSE SOCK
Now, come on, the what?!

EMILE SOCK
Oh, you really wear me out!

HORTENSE SOCK
You are the one to wear us out not finishing your sentences!

EMILE SOCK
Because I should finish all my sentences?!

HORTENSE SOCK
It is mere politeness. Especially in front of a guest. Is it not so, Mr. Fish?

ALPHONSE FISH
So it seems.

EMILE SOCK
And how about my feeling impolite? (to Fish) One may feel like being impolite, may one not?

ALPHONSE FISH
To be sure.

HORTENSE SOCK
Oh, if Master Nocari were still here…

Silence.

EMILE SOCK
He seems in fact not to have ever existed…

HORTENSE SOCK
How is that?

EMILE SOCK
Yes, indeed! It is as I am telling you! It appears he never existed, that in fact it was not he who…

HORTENSE SOCK
It was not he who what?

EMILE SOCK
It was not he who…

HORTENSE SOCK
So! He who what?

EMILE SOCK
It was not he who existed.

HORTENSE SOCK
Who says?

EMILE SOCK
The concierge, I think.

HORTENSE SOCK
And you do believe all that the concierge says!…

ALPHONSE FISH
Truth comes out of concierges' mouths.

HORTENSE SOCK
And what else is the concierge saying?

EMILE SOCK
She says that the chap who existed, so not the one who died but the one who really existed, was in fact an image.

HORTENSE SOCK
An image?

EMILE SOCK
Yes, an image, somebody you can't touch, if you try, your hand goes through him.

HORTENSE SOCK
A ghost?

EMILE SOCK
If you like.

HORTENSE SOCK
Do you believe in ghosts, Mr. Fish?

ALPHONSE FISH
Oh ghosts! It is very easy to play ghosts… but you know… Nobody's a winner in this story…

HORTENSE SOCK
Ghosts! What a story!

ALPHONSE FISH
A ghost story.

EMILE SOCK
A weird story.

The three of them remain silent, for a long time.

EMILE SOCK
Has the minute passed?

HORTENSE SOCK
But, nevertheless, what a story!

EMILE SOCK
You know, I knew of one who took himself for a ghost. He would say: "Boo! Boo!", he used to live in a white sheet and would not get out of it… and his feet were never seen! A real ghost, in short!

HORTENSE SOCK
Without socks?

EMILE SOCK
Without the shadow of a sock!

HORTENSE SOCK
This story makes me shudder. (She gets closer to Fish.) Rub my back, please.

ALPHONSE FISH
What do you mean?

HORTENSE SOCK
I am shuddering! Rub my back!

EMILE SOCK
Come on! Rub her back since she is shuddering!

HORTENSE SOCK
Of course since you're told to do so!

Fish submits himself to it.

HORTENSE SOCK
Oh yes! There, that's very good! Like that… yes… Just a little lower… More… Yes, there that's very good… A little more forceefully, umm no, not forcefully, let's say… more constantly… more regularly… Good… Oh… Yes, that's it, it's good…

EMILE SOCK
You are not asked to caress her butt.

HORTENSE SOCK
It is not my butt, it is my lower back.

EMILE SOCK
Oh no! I saw it very well! T'was not the lower back, t'was the higher butt!

ALPHONSE FISH
Can you make a difference between the lower back and the higher butt?

EMILE SOCK
Of course I can make a difference between the lower back and the higher butt! The higher butt ends where the lower back starts. There is no overlapping, you understand. It is clear!

ALPHONSE FISH
I do find that the line is rather vague.

EMILE SOCK
So, you find that my wife has a rather vague line?

ALPHONSE FISH
No, oh no. I mean, in general, not just for your wife, and this is fortunate, the line between the lower back and the higher butt is vague!… As much if I put my hand here (he puts his hand on her butt) there is no doubt, I am in the butt area, as much if I put my hand a little above, there is a doubt! Here's the doubt area, there's the butt area, here's the doubt area, there's the butt area, here's the doubt area, there's the butt area. Am I not right, dear lady?

HORTENSE SOCK
Oh, you know, my butt and me!…

EMILE SOCK
What do you mean "my butt and me"?

HORTENSE SOCK
What I mean?

EMILE SOCK
Well, yes, what do you mean?

HORTENSE SOCK
What I mean about my butt?

EMILE SOCK
Not what you mean about your butt, what you mean by "my butt and me!"

ALPHONSE FISH
She has a beautiful butt.

EMILE SOCK
Oh really? You fancy my wife's butt?

ALPHONSE FISH
Not that I fancy it particularly… I find it ob-jec-ti-ve-ly beautiful. You see what I mean? It is ob-jec-ti-ve-ly beautiful… especially from behind.

EMILE SOCK
Sir! This is too much! I demand apologies from you right away!

[...]

end of the excerpt




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