Title: Colours of my life
Author: Sardius
Category: Angst/Romance
Warnings: R for now (maybe NC-17 later)
Pairing: Yohji/Aya(Ran)
Disclaimer: I don't own Weiss Kreuz, it belongs to its creator and company.
(sobs) if only they were mine....sniff sniff
Author's Note: Thankyou for everyone's review again! I'm very touched cos
personally I know I'm not a very good writer. Well I know you all probably annoyed
that I still haven't wrote what happened to Aya. All in good time. ~Grin~ Anyway
hp u enjoy this chapter! I hope my writings are okay. Many thanks and hugs to
everyone who takes the time to read this! ~smiles~
[ ] means flashback
Chapter Three: Let Me Explain
You ask me to trust you
To place my faith in you
You ask me to love you
To show I care for you
Yet you never ask me
Why I don't love you
The answer is so simple
Simply because I'm afraid
Of love
Fujimiya Ran
I have not spoken to Yohji since our last encounter. Some how I just can't look
him in the eye again. I didn't know what had happened that night, I didn't even
realised what I was doing. I must have fallen in his trap. He said he wanted
to help me, what a joke. He had never wanted to help me. Stupid fool that I
am almost believed him. I won't let him cross my boundaries again.
I really need to get out of here. Away from everybody. Once again he switch
back to starring at me whenever I'm around him. I think he wants to talk to
me. Probably to make up some excuse about his actions. And you think I'm gonna
believe him this time? I am not stupid. I'm surprised Omi and Ken didn't come
out to see if we were killing each other. I did recall we were pretty loud that
night. I guess even they are smart enough not to butt into other people's business.
Unlike him.
I didn't even realised I have been walking for almost an hour along the streets.
Damn it Kudou! Why am I even thinking about you at all? Why is it you make me
feel something like I haven't felt in a long time? I don't want anything to
happen. I don't want you to care about me or try to help me. God knows that
you just want to use me and throw me away like what he did to me......I won't
be used again.
* * * * *
Where the hell is he?! One minute he was here in the flower shop and next he
left without even telling me. Well I know he isn't gonna speak to me but at
least let Ken or Omi knows. Omi had been pestering what was wrong between Aya
and me and why we weren't talking. It's not like I can just tell him. Sure Omi
the real reason Aya and me was fighting because I made a move on the guy. But
I know that Aya is just afraid. And right now he's running away as usual. If
only he let me talk to him.
It's almost past ten and Aya is still not back yet. I just want him to let me
explain. I didn't mean to hurt him, I just.... lost control. At least he should
have the decency to let me explain. Then again I don't even know what to say
to him. Err...sorry Aya, I didn't mean to scare the shits out of you, it's just
I wanted you so badly and I was feeling horny at the time. Yeah way to go Kudou,
if you are still alive by then. Just when I was debating with myself how to
confront Aya, I hear the jungle of bells.
Okay Kudou it's time for a lot of explaining to do.
* * * * *
I know this place so well, I think even if I'm dead my soul will still remember
the path. Catch the lift to fifth floor, turn left, walk straight, turn right,
third room on the right, no 372, patient Fujimiya Aya....my beloved sister.
I opened the door. The room is the same as I have last seen it, filled with
the smell of scented flowers with the window slightly opened.
"Aya, I brought you some roses today, I thought you might like them."
I placed the flowers carefully on the vase and sat down beside her. She looks
so peaceful, like she oblivion to the world. At least she doesn't know what
I have become. I only wished if she could open her eyes for me, just once. Filled
my thoughts with her chattering, her laughter, her smiles....bring back the
old Ran. I smooth out her dark chestnut hair, brushing her bangs from her eyes
as I gathered her hands slowly to my lips. Still so warm, and I know she is
still alive.
It was quiet. So very quiet. The only sound is the wind blowing out the autumn
leaves outside and the sound of the monitor beeping. This is the only environment
that brings me peace but it's not enough....I feel... so alone.
"God how I missed you Aya...miss you so much." I whispered kissing her hand
softly. Then I began to break the silence with my voice, telling her things
about my life she has missed and things I dare not share to the world.
* * * * *
I walked downstairs, intending to meet him as he entered the flower shop. He
was wearing a dark trench coat and loose fitting jeans. Yet something is different.
His head is hung low, his hair slightly wet from the drizzle outside, his eyes
starring at the floor, the way he moves was slow and elaborate. He was not the
Fujimiya Aya I know. Time passed... he doesn't seem to notice I was there until
he looked up at me, his eyes filled with emotions and tears. And for once I
saw him as himself.
"Aya?" I asked. For some reason, I'm afraid it's the wrong person.
It took some time, but eventually he finally registered I was talking to him.
As quickly as he can, the mask was replaced again, leaving him the cold, emotionless
Aya once more. He walked passed me, intending to avoid any sorts of comments
and stopped when I blocked him from the door.
"Move", he hissed. But his voice sounded so very tired. I'm beginning to think
he will collapse any minute.
"No. Not this time Aya, I want to explain about the other night"
"What is there to explain?" he snapped," You just wanted a quick fuck right?"
I don't know if it's the rain but I can still see the tear stains in his face.
He looks at me angrily trying to push past me. I reached out to touch him but
he flinches, stepping back quickly, avoiding my touch.
"Don't touch me"
"Aya please, let me explain.......I just wanted to help...'
"You call that help? You call kissing some body and intending to screw them
is help? I am not stupid Yohji. I know what you want from me! You just wanted
to have sex with me and discard me later after I'm useless to you. If you think
saying these fucking words going to get me to your bed then you're damn wrong!"
With that he pushes pass me and stormed up the stairs to his bedroom, slamming
the door shut, locking me out.
* * * * *
I swear I just want to kill him. I want to get out there and slice him into
bits with my katanna. That bastard! Does he honesty think I would believe his
words? I was so absorb in my mind I didn't even realised he was starring at
me when I was in the flower shop.....and....wait, why the hell would he be at
the shop this late in the hour, was he waiting for me? For what? I don't want
his explanation......
"Aya!!! Aya open up! I want to talk to you!"
Yohji kept banging on the door repeatedly. God Yohji, can't you just leave me
alone for awhile. I just wanted to be alone.
His voice continued, "Aya please.......at least let me explain."
Then suddenly the knocking stopped. So did his voice. Maybe he decided to leave
me alone. I eased myself to the door and let my hand touched the handle......
"Aya I know you're there. Just let me in would you. I promise I won't do anything."
He sounds so defeated. I know if I don't let him in, he would never stop pestering
me. I opened the door and glared at him.
"You have two minutes. Explain."
He stands there like a lost child saying nothing. His eyes are cast down onto
the floor avoiding my gaze, his fingers twisting the hem of his shirt.
"Look Aya....it isn't what you think it is. I...I didn't know what I was doing....I
just...lost control...I'm sorry."
I sighed. Why should I even bother listening to him? They are all the same.
"I know what you want from me Yohji. You just want a quick fuck didn't you?
You don't have to pretend to help me. I don't need your explanation..." I replied
as I start to close the door in his face.
"No! It's not like that!", he grabs onto my wrist and pushed the door opened.
There was fire in his jade eyes as I feel the warmth of his hand on my skin.
His touch seems to burn onto my wrist as his other hand slam the door shut locking
it in place. I froze. The only sound could be heard was our breathing as I felt
his breath on my face. Everything was stilled. The window was the only source
of light casting onto the room, giving his face an earthly elegance and for
once in his presence I was afraid of him. Oh God! It's just him and me now.
What if I can't stop him? I may be strong but he's stronger than I in the least....
As I panicked, images flashes through my eyes.
* * * * *
[Flashback]
"What did you expect Ran? Nice kisses
and cuddle? That we could be lovers?"
"But I thought....Yuushi, you said.... that you loved me."
"You're still young to the world Ran...it doesn't mean anything to me. It was
just sex. That's all it is. Just a way to relieve the stress and tension our
lives has to put through. We both enjoyed it didn't we?"
"Yuushi....why?"
"Just forget about it"
[Ends Flashback]
* * * * *
Just forget about it. He wanted me to just forget about it? I gave him everything,
I told him everything! And he left me just like everyone else! No! NO!
"NO!!!! Let go of me! Fucking let go of me! I won't be used! I won't!", I tried
my best to yank my wrist out of his grasp. Yohji held on with more force. I
struggled against him, kicking, screaming, crying. I was like a small frighten
child trying to run away, anything to get away from the pain hurting in my heart.
I was angry! How could he?! Why did he leave me! I loved him like I loved Aya
and he left me! A voice kept interrupted my thoughts, I think Yohji was talking
to me, telling me to stop hurting myself but his voice sound so distant away.
"God damn it! Fucking let go! I don't need your fucking help! Everything is
a lie! I won't believe it! I won't believe any of it! LET GO......"
Suddenly warm arms encloses my body and I was dimply aware of where I was. My
eyes felt so sore and tired... I realised my cheek was wet, I must have been
crying. I could hear my own breathing, hitched and irregular.
"It's okay Aya....It's okay."
That voice! Yohji!? Why is he still here? I was so confused I didn't realised
those arms belonged to him. I was leaning against him, unable to withstand my
own weight as my knees gave way. He caught me and we knelt on the ground his
arms still circling around my waist, his hand brushing the hair from the back
of my neck. It was comforting. His warmth from his body, so close to mine, his
voice tickling my ear telling me everything was going to be alright.
We stayed like that for a long time. I have not been held like this since my
parent died. Since everything I have ever loved vanish before my eyes. After
some time he released me and looked into my eyes. He brushes back crimson bangs
from my forehead, his jade eyes are dimly lilted by the moonlight.
" Aya, I never wanted to hurt you. I will never hurt you. It isn't just a quick
fuck to me....you are different from everyone else I have ever met. I would
never just leave you...I...", he ranked his fingers through his hair, his hands
shaking slightly. "At first I thought it was just lust...I mean you are very
beautiful. But then I think I feel a bit more than that. I don't think I should
call it love yet but I know I am very fond of you Aya. I would never do anything
to hurt you....that night....when I....look I am very sorry. I didn't mean it....I
just want you to trust me again....I..."
"I trust you." I whispered.
"Nani?" His eyes widen, unable to register what I just said.
"I trust you."
"But Aya I...that night.."
A knock disrupts his voice. I got up, still a bit shaky from my outburst minutes
ago and stumbled to open the door. Ken was standing outside in his usual T-shirt
and shorts and looks worriedly at me, confusion written all over his face.
"Err...Aya....Manx is here."
I nodded to him and closed the door. I think he heard the noise Yohji and me
was making inside my room. I didn't turn around to see Yohji as I composed myself
to face the world again as Fujimiya Aya, cold and emotionless once more but
as I opened the door, I felt his hand touch mine.
"Aya..."
I paused. I know he is behind me waiting for his judgement but he didn't realised
I forgave him long ago.
"Its okay Yohji", I whispered "....just.... forget it." As I walked out the
door. He doesn't follow me but later when I walked down the stairs I heard the
door of my room-clicked shut and footsteps followed after me.
Some day Yohji....maybe some day I can truly love you.
* * * * *
~TBC~