Title: Colours of My Life
Author: Sardius
Category: Romance/Angst
Warnings: NC-17
Pairings: Yohji/Aya(Ran)
Disclaimer: I don’t own Weiss Kreuz, it belongs to its creator and company. (sobs) if only they were mine….sniff sniff
Author’s Note: Amazingly…and I mean amazingly! I got this chapter out. Strange as it may be my muse is working for me again! Probably because I'm so lost in my other fics this one just seems perfect for him. *L* Oh boy I'm so happy to have gotten this chapter out. It gives me hopes of finishing this fic in the near future. *smiles*
Yeah!!! No more threats to poor Sardius for at least another few weeks! Kee!
[Thankyou so much to Lilla for beta-reading this chapter for me! And for sending it back to me so fast! You're wonderful!]
Character's Thoughts
Chapter Twelve: Letting You Go
I woke up because of the heavy amount of noise outside of our bedroom door and winced at the morning sunlight casting its rays into the room. Looking around for a packet of cigarette I froze seeing the beautiful figure lying slightly on top of me.
Aya was even more beautiful when asleep. With his crimson hair all tangled up, feeling like silk spilt over my chest. His eyes hidden beneath his bangs, his lips slightly parted as he drew in small soft breaths. I marvelled at how smooth and pale his skin was compared to mine: all golden and rough.
He’s simply breathtaking.
A slight smile broke forth on my lips as I recalled our love making last night. How our bodies joined together, the way he gasped my name again and again till it was almost like a chant whispered against my ear. Aya was everything I could ever have wished for. It had seemed like a dream when those beautiful amethyst eyes opened to stare dully at me. Even though the light had faded from those orbs, they were still a sight to behold, one that could capture me into his mind.
If only good things would last forever.
I don’t want to leave Aya tonight. Partly because I’m worried whether he will be okay by himself while the rest of us are on a mission. As much as I hate to admit it, Aya is more vulnerable than ever before, without his sight, he would not be able to defend himself should anything happen.
I frown thinking about meeting Mastermind tonight. Tonight I will end everything. I will kill the bastard with my own bare hands if I have to. After the things he has done to Aya, making him suffer like this…
Taking away his sight…
I wanted him to pay for all the pain he had brought upon Aya and myself. Even though last night Aya had finally broken through the mask he so willingly clung to, we both knew he would never be the same.
"Yohji…."
As quickly as the painful thoughts had appeared in my mind, they suddenly vanished when I noticed Aya stirring beside me. I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist and kissed his mop of hair gently. It would not do to let Aya know what I was feeling moments ago.
Slowly soft eyelids fluttered open until a pair of empty eyes was revealed to me. Aya shifted his head until he was almost facing me, his hands searching out to touch my face when I wound his fingers into mine.
"Yohji?"
Aya suddenly stiffened against me and started to shy away from my touch.
"It's okay. I'm here."
The redhead seemed to relax after hearing my voice and placed his head on my chest again. Did Aya thought I was going to leave him after last night? The panic I had felt moments before, when his body went rigid against mine, gave away his fear of me being someone else instead. It pained me to realise how hard it must be for Aya not being able to see the one he loves.
"Ashiteru Yohji."
I can remember so clearly hearing these words from his lips last night. Even though Aya thought I was asleep, it fills my heart with a wellspring of joy knowing that Aya does love me in return. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t say it to my face, as long as I know how he feels. It’s enough for now.
I don’t mind if he never tells me as long as I can hold onto him forever.
I stroke his soft crimson hair, running my fingers through the silky strands as Aya cuddles closer to me. I want this day to be something Aya will remember forever. I want to make him smile for me one more time before I go…because I don’t know if I will ever be able to return back to see him.
"What do you want to do today?" I ask him quietly. It seems Omi and Ken have decided to go out to get some food supply for the next few weeks, considering we won't be returning to the Koneko for a while.
Aya didn’t favour me with a reply, a sudden coldness settled over me; maybe Aya regretted what happened last night. I shifted over until I was leaning over him, watching to see if there were any signs that the redhead would bolt away from my grasp all of a sudden.
"Are you regretting what happened last night?"
Aya still didn’t say anything. Just remained there laying like he had all the time in the world to answer my question. But instead he just slowly traced his fingers along my face to where my lips were and gently pulled my head down for a kiss.
I kissed him just as deeply. His tongue shyly brushing against mine as I nibbled on his bottom lip. I could feel his body slowly relaxing, letting me guide him, showing him how much he means to me.
Then he broke off and started getting up.
"I want to go outside today."
My heart almost stops at hearing what he just said. Ever since the incident, Aya has been coped up inside the house, refusing to go out again. Part of me understands the reasons for this…and yet at the same time, I want him to be able to start with his life again.
"Sure. Where do you want to go?"
Even though we aren’t meant to be out of the safe house, in case Mastermind tracks us down, I know there is a place nearby that Aya would love to go to.
The redhead just sat at the edge of the bed, looking so beautiful bathing in the morning sunlight. His face was turned up against the sun, letting the morning light warm his body. I stood transfixed, unable to tear my eyes away from him, thinking how lucky I am, that he let me into his life.
"Somewhere quiet. Somewhere…where I…can just be with you."
A tinge of sadness washed through me as I remembered telling Aya tonight would be the time for our final encounter with Schwarz. Maybe he also knew that today was the last day we could spend with each other before I had to head off on the mission.
Before I had to head off and maybe never to come back to him.
"Come on. Let's get out of here. Unless you want to spend the rest of the morning in bed with me love."
Now that got a smile from the redhead. He simply snorted and slowly made his way out of the room. I grabbed one of his arms and lead him towards the door. He seemed to flinch at my touch but then slowly he relaxed and let me help him to the bathroom.
I smiled sadly thinking how his life would be should Aya never regain his sight again.
* * * * * * *
I sat listening to the birds chirping around me. Yohji had brought me to a park somewhere near the safe house. It had only taken awhile to get here but already I’d felt as if it had taken me forever.
Yohji held my hand on the whole way. I felt…. safe feeling his presence so close to me but yet…I also felt as if I was relying on him for everything. And that scared me.
I don’t want him to have to look after me all the time, helping me to do the simplest of tasks when I should have been able to do them myself.
But you had your sight back then. Now you're only a burden to them all.
Yes a burden. Even now I am a burden to Yohji and to myself. What can I possibly accomplish with the way I am now? Even…even if Aya does wake up, what would she see in a crippled brother?
"If you agree, we will undertake a surgery for you, however the chances of succeeding will be of 50%."
There is only a 50% chance for me to get my eyesight back. Is that enough? Enough for me to risk everything I have with Yohji. Would he want me? Like this forever?
"…. what…what if it doesn’t succeed."
"I am sorry to say this, but you would be blinded for life."
For life. I would be blinded for life. A life like this. Would I even want to live anymore? Would he understand this if I told him?
A hand touched me on the shoulder and I flinched. My body instantly wanted to shy away from someone it couldn’t see. The hand tightened reassuringly on me and all at once I knew it was Yohji that had interrupted my thoughts earlier.
"Hey relax. It's me."
He took my hand again and I let myself be guided until it seemed a lot shadier than where I was sitting before. The grass felt cool against my skin as I was pulled back to lean against his warm body, one of his arms wrapped around my waist preventing me from shifting away.
Then I felt Yohji's breath on my skin as he whispered in my ear, "You should stop thinking so much you know."
I relaxed and rested my head under his chin. It was quiet. So very quiet that the only noise I could hear was the birds’ chirping around us and the occasional laughter that made me think back to how Aya and I used to spend most of our time in a park.
"Yohji?"
"Hm?"
I struggled to keep myself under control. "Would you…would you still be here for me if I was like this forever?"
I closed my eyes even though I was already enveloped in the darkness but I was still afraid of what Yohji would say to me.
Yohji didn't say anything. My hands shook slightly but I clenched them together so that he wouldn’t take notice. I knew what he was going to say. He would leave me just like Yuushi had done, once, so long ago. Even…even if Yohji said he loved me, why…why would be want a blind lover?
"Aya." I felt his hand reaching down to unclasp my hands and slowly lift one of them to his lips. "I don't care what you’ll be like in the future, whether you're blind or not…to me you’ll always be the most beautiful person I have ever loved."
"Yohji…."
He silenced me by placing his fingers on my lips. "Don't tell me you don’t deserve love. You do. You need it and so do I."
I wanted to hear those words coming out of his lips again but for now it’ll be okay, for I have already engraved them into my heart.
"Dr Fujishima said my eye sight could be regained but there’s only a 50% chance."
I don’t know why it felt so much easier to tell him this now, when last night I was so afraid he would leave me behind. Yohji ran his fingers through my hair as I leaned back against him, when he asked, "Then…what did you say?"
"I told him I'd think about it."
"Then you should tell him that you'd try the surgery."
"Yo..Yohji?"
I felt him shift behind me until he pulled me down onto the soft grass, with me leaning slightly on top of him. "Whatever happens to you, I would never let you go. Remember that the next time you speak to him."
Then before I could comment on what the blonde had told me, I felt something soft against my cheek. The scent of roses filled my senses, as I reached out to search for it, when Yohji placed the rose in my hand. I slowly brought it to my lips, feeling how soft the petals were, how beautiful the fragrance that surrounded me, making me feel so content at the moment.
Yohji hugged me closer until my head was tucked securely under his chin, one of his arms wrapping possessively around my waist. Then he brushed his lips on my forehead and whispered softly to me.
"I'm never going to let you go love. I'll always be here for you. Always."
I snuggled closer towards him, hiding my smile against his chest.
Always.
* * * * * * *
It was almost time to leave.
I made sure the watch was attached securely onto my wrist and pulled my gloves on. Even though we had to depart soon, part of me smiled at the ray of happiness I had felt when I had Aya in my arms just moments before. It was a temptation to simply live like this forever, not having to worry about killing or death with just the two of us enjoying the company of one other.
I only hope I got it through to that stubborn baka that I would never ever leave him.
I opened the bathroom door and walked along the hallway, stopping in front of our room.
It was the room Aya and I had shared during our stay at the safe house.
I knew he was inside waiting for me. Waiting for our final goodbye before Ken, Omi and I had to depart for the mission tonight. My heart hurts, already feeling that this could very well be the last time I’ll see him. The last I’ll gaze into those beautiful amethyst eyes that were once filled with so many emotions, including those sweet smiles that he only allows me to see, all hidden beneath the icy facade.
I engraved all of this in my heart and opened the door.
Not expecting what I saw: Aya dressed in his assassin gear.
"Aya? What…what are you doing?"
He could not possibly be thinking about this.
He reached for his katana, placed against the wall and spoke to me as if he was Abyssinian again.
"I'm coming with you."
He is definitely not that stubborn idiot.
"Fuck Aya! You are not coming. You know who we are going up against."
I stormed up to him and grabbed him by the shoulders trying to shake some sense into the redhead. Aya gasped at the sudden contact and tried to wrench away from me but I held onto him tighter. I tried to calm myself down.
"Please Aya. You would be safer if you were here. I promise you…"
"I'm coming with you."
"For Christ’s sake Aya! You can't see a fucking thing! You're fucking blind! You are going to die out there!"
I cursed at myself as I realised what I had just said. Fuck! Out of all the things I could have said to him, I just had to say that he was blind.
Fuck.
Aya had his head averted but I could see even in the darkness of the room, there was a glimmer of tears forming in his eyes. I lifted his chin until he was facing me. His body was trembling against mine; trying to control the tears threatening to slide down his cheeks.
I knew what I had said had hurt him deeply.
"God Aya. I'm so sorry. I didn’t know what I was saying. It's just…."
How could I tell him that he would die out there if he came out with me tonight? Not to mention Kritiker didn't know about it either.
I brushed those soft crimson bangs away from his eyes, holding his trembling body close to me.
"Aya. I…I might die out there tonight. I might not even be able to protect you."
But Aya only shook his head slightly and smiled sadly at me.
"Did you think I could go on with my life without you?"
His voice was so soft, carrying a deep tinge of sadness. We both knew that Weiss might not survive the night.
"Aya…"
Then he shifted his face until he was almost facing me and reached out his hand to touch me on the cheek.
"If you were to die out there tonight…I would rather die with you."
Aya…don't do this to me.
I hugged him close to me tightly and buried my head against his neck. I felt his arms wrapping themselves around my waist as well, holding me as if he was afraid I would disappear. My heart ached to see the hurt I had caused him just moments ago. I never thought I could have loved anyone so much in my life after Asuka's death.
"You're such a stubborn bastard."
But I did not fail to hear the words he whispered back against my ear.
"Ashiteru Yohji."
* * * * * * *
TBC~~~~