Author: Max Ikari

Pairings: Yohji/Aya for now. I am still deciding on the

other pairing. Gomen.

Warnings: NC-17, Lemon, Non-consensual sex, violence, adult

language, adult situations, some AU.

Genre: Angst, romance, some sap.

[ ] Inner thoughts

/ / Mind Talking

One Art

Chapter 3

The art of losing isn’t hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

Then practice losing a father, losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! My last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went

The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love)

I shan’t have lied. It’s evident

The art of losing’s not too hard to master

Though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Elizabeth Bishop

December 23, 1998

Yohji was worried. After the human chess mission, Ran had

totally isolated himself. Usually the redhead was closed

off, but now he said nothing. He would eat what was given

to him; it was as if all the fight he used to give was

gone. At least emotionally…physically he was draining

himself. All day he kept to the training room practicing.

Yohji had stood in one of the sessions getting tired simply

by watching. Yohji wanted to talk to Ran…he needed to talk

to Ran. He missed seeing Ran. Even though he made himself

cold to everybody, Yohji knew the real Ran. Ran was as

sensitive as no other, reason enough to close himself to

emotion. Reason enough for wishing not to feel.

Climbing the stairs, Yohji stood silent in front of Ran’s

door. He could hear the faint scrapping of metal, meaning

that Ran was sharpening his katana. He knocked. The sound

stopped and Yohji held his breath trying to hear what Ran

was doing.

" Ran I know you are in there. Please open the door," said

Yohji. The blonde hated the fact that it almost sounded

like he was begging.

No sound came and Yohji dared to open the door. The room

was dark and Yohji could only see Ran’s silhouette on the

bed because of the streetlights.

" Hey Ran. How are you feeling?" asked Yohji sitting at

the edge of the bed.

There was no response only that of Ran resuming to sharpen

his katana.

" Ran, please…Do you remember when we first met?" asked

Yohji. When he didn’t see any movement from Ran he

continued.

" I remember thinking you were the most peculiar person I

had ever met. The fact that you helped me without even

knowing me. You were so happy then…sometimes when I look

at Omi it reminds me of the innocence you possessed, I

thought…."

" Stop…" whispered Ran so hesitantly that Yohji almost

missed it.

" Ran, you can’t keep doing this to yourself," said Yohji

wanting to touch Ran but knowing that it wasn’t in his best

interest.

" I can’t? I can’t?!" asked Ran his voice rising with

every syllable he pronounced. " I can fucking well do what

I please!"

Yohji thought that Ran sounded hysterical. It was a good

thing Ken and Omi had gone out.

" Ran…don’t shut everybody out. Don’t shut me out,"

pleaded Yohji daring to touch the redhead’s shoulder. Ran

looked up then his eyes seemed desperate. For about a

moment Yohji was able to see the young boy he had met long

ago, his sweet Ran he had dreamed about and had cried about

when he thought him dead.

" You are not alone," said Yohji quietly. Ran slapped his

hand away and stood up to pace the room. He suddenly

stopped and pulled at his hair before finally calming

himself.

" Sorry," the redhead said seriously. The shields were

back up. " I think I am getting ill."

" Ran…" said Yohji trying not to sound angry but Ran’s

attitude was trying the very limit of his patience.

" Please leave," said Ran suddenly turning to face him.

Ran was only pretending to be okay until Yohji left his

room.

" No," said Yohji. " If you are okay I can just stay here.

Besides Ken and Omi aren’t here and I am bored."

" Go out then. You have done it often enough…" said Ran

whispering the last. Ran pretended indifference when he

knew Yohji was going out to have sex. Once he had heard

one of Yohji’s dates and the blonde while he lay alone in

bed. It nearly broke his heart until he had gotten a grip

on himself and repeated that he didn’t care anymore.

" What?" asked Yohji his eyebrows shooting up. He had

heard Ran’s last comment. It made him feel bad, but a

mischievous part of his mind was happy. [He is jealous] A

smile started spreading across his face as an idea started

forming.

" Why so pessimist Ran?" said Yohji. " If you just got

laid you would feel better."

Ran turned to stare at him. Yes, that was what Yohji

wanted; he wanted Ran to notice him.

" What?" asked Ran trying not to show his shock. Yohji

knew that Ran was gay, or at least with him. The guy could

be bi for all Yohji knew.

" You heard me. Have you ever bedded a woman," said Yohji

tapping out a cigarette and putting it to his lips. Ran’s

eyes narrowed. Ran was angry, just what Yohji had been

aiming for.

" Get out," Ran spat out. He was now touching his katana

almost caressing it. The motion sent heat straight to

Yohji’s groin.

" You are jealous," said Yohji seriously. Ran’s eyes

widened, it was as if Yohji was trying to shock the hell

out of him.

"What?" asked Ran not looking at Yohji. Ran was glad that

his room was dark and Yohji could see him blushing.

" You are jealous that I sleep around," said Yohji smiling.

" You wish it were you."

" You flatter yourself," said Ran passing a rag through his

katana before sheathing it.

" Why can’t you just admit it? You have feelings for me,"

said Yohji getting up to open the window. " It’s not like

it would kill you."

Ran flinched at the comment. He sat on his bed, his back

to Yohji. " Maybe it would."

Yohji raised an eyebrow at the comment and walked to face

Ran.

" Is that what you think? That I will die?" said Yohji

kneeling in front of the redhead. Ran gave a small wry

smile and very hesitantly skimmed his fingers on the

blonde’s cheek before letting his hand fall.

" Ran I don’t understand. Why did you let yourself get

like this? You are miserable,"

" You don’t understand," said Ran looking at him. It was

kind of sad longing look.

" Try me," said the blonde sitting besides Ran.

" I need a walk," said Ran getting up to get his coat in an

attempt to flee the situation.

" I am coming with you," said Yohji in a tone that

warranted no discussion.

" If you wish," said Ran defeated.

Ran did not understand why Yohji kept following him. It

was almost as if the blonde liked seeing him in his worst

moments. He just wanted to be alone for a while. But then

maybe Yohji was right.

" You don’t have to be my shadow," Ran said after a while.

" I like walking with you," said Yohji smiling. " Besides

it is lonely to walk by yourself."

"Hn,"

" Oh, come on Ran. Don’t tell me you like walking alone,"

said Yohji laughing.

" This may come as a surprise but some people don’t need

other to feel good about themselves," said Ran quietly.

Ran walked with a destination in mind while Yohji only

followed. Ran finally arrived at his destination, he

didn’t know why he had come here with Yohji but it didn’t

matter anymore.

" Ohayo Otoosan, Okaasan," said Ran kneeling in front of

his parent’s graves. "It’s almost Christmas…haven’t gone

shopping. There is no point to it…"

Yohji stared, amazed that Ran had taken him to visit his

parent’s graves. Ran was kneeling in front of the graves

having a conversation as if they were alive. The blonde

just stood there watching Ran’s face, the other totally

absorbed in what he told his parents. The scene was heart

wrenching. He knew he shouldn't watch this it was too

personal. Yohji turned and walked toward the gate of the

cemetery not before noticing that there were only two

graves.

Ran came out about fifteen-minutes later with a faraway

expression. Yohji know understood, this was the redhead’s

way of telling him.

" You okay?" asked Yohji lighting a cigarette. Ran nodded

and started walking. After an extended silence Yohji dared

to ask.

" Two graves?"

" Hai,"

Yohji did not expect the redhead to contribute anymore so

he was surprised when the latter did.

" Only my parents died…"

"But I thought…" said Yohji confused.

" My sister wasn’t killed. Sometimes I wonder if it would

have been better if she had. At least she would be with

them," said Ran looking at the ground. Next thing he knew,

they were in front of a hospital.

" Ran…"

Ran ignored him and stepped in the building. Pressing the

elevator button they ascended to the ninth floor. When

they passed through the reception a nurse nodded and smiled

at Ran. Ran acknowledged it with a slight nod. When they

reached room 915 Ran opened the door and entered

soundlessly assuming Yohji would follow. When Yohji

entered the room his breath caught in his throat. Ran

bended over Aya and gently kissed her cheek.

" How are you Aya?" whispered Ran. " I am sorry I took so

long to come see you. I had work."

Yohji was walking behind Ran thinking how he had wanted to

make the redhead feel bad, but now…now he just wanted to

comfort him.

" Ran…" said Yohji stopping. Ran kept on until he noticed

that Yohji wasn’t following.

" Yes?"

" I’m sorry," said Yohji looking at Ran with sadness, not

pity. Ran didn’t need his pity, he needed his support.

" For what?" asked Ran, a hint of annoyance in the reply.

" For not being there. I shouldn’t have left, I should

have stayed then maybe…maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess."

Ran stared at Yohji in a mix of shock and apprehension.

Yohji could see in his eyes how much the redhead did not

want to have this conversation.

" It’s okay," said Ran shifting awkwardly. It almost

reminded him of the Ran he had met almost three years ago.

The young boy that was unsure how to act around him.

" Let’s go home," said Yohji walking ahead of Ran.

Ran was kicking himself. He had no idea what came over

him, he had taken Yohji to see were all his family laid.

The blonde had not said anything about it except be a quiet

presence beside him. Ran blamed it on his state. Ever

since failing to kill Takatori on that botched mission (in

his mind it was a botched mission) he began doubting

himself. Maybe he wasn’t the right person for Weiss.

Maybe all his training and suffering in Kritiker had

amounted to nothing since he couldn’t control his emotions.

Like today. When the blonde had entered his room, Ran had

wanted to let the man comfort him. One reason why he had

let his mouth run, he had said things he had only thought

before. Now Yohji knew he was jealous, not that Ran would

call it that. It was more like annoyance. In the middle

of his pacing he was interrupted by a knock on his door and

then the blonde entered his room. Ran groaned, he didn’t

need this again.

" Hey, you still up?" asked Yohji eyeing him curiously.

" Obviously," said Ran visibly annoyed. " Don’t you think

you have bothered me long enough?"

" Not really," said Yohji. " Wonder where Ken and Omi

went, if I didn’t know better I would think they were

getting laid."

" Is that all you ever think about?" asked Ran visibly

frustrated.

" No, only when I’m around you," said Yohji huskily.

Ran tensed when he heard Yohji’s tone of voice change.

Wearily he noticed that Yohji was standing in between him

and the door. He would run, he wasn’t afraid of the man.

[No, only the fact that he makes me do things I don’t want

to] [Are you sure you don’t want to?]

" Ran…" said Yohji walking toward him. Almost as if he was

closing in on a prey. " I wasn’t going to touch you until

you told me you wanted it, but right now I don’t care. I

am desperate enough to break that rule once.

" You don’t want to do this," said Ran making his voice as

cold as he could. It still trembled.

" How do you know I don’t want to do this?" asked Yohji

arching an eyebrow and grinning. " Maybe it is you who

isn’t sure."

Ran crossed his arms around his chest, he wouldn’t agree to

anything.

" Are you drunk?" asked Ran archly.

" You would think that," snickered Yohji. " Sadly, no."

Yohji cornered Ran to the wall and placed his hands at the

sides of Ran’s face.

" So what are you going to do? Have you decided?" asked

Yohji amused.

Ran shut his eyes, hands dropping to his sides in fists. "

Please…leave."

" What are you so afraid of? That you’ll like it?" asked

Yohji caressing Ran’s face. "It’s your fault I want you so

much."

" My fault?" asked Ran quietly.

" Yes, if you hadn’t saved my life and been so open to me I

wouldn’t have cared," said Yohji huskily. He was now

talking into Ran’s ear, the breath from the blonde making

the cold assassin tremble. " You know when I thought you

were dead I cried. I was heartbroken, but I guess

sometimes one gets what he wants, and I want you right

now."

" But Omi and Ken…" whispered Ran rapidly losing the war

against his better judgment.

" Don’t worry about them. Besides if they arrive we will

just have to be quiet," said Yohji skimming his lips across

Ran’s. Ran’s breath caught in his throat when he felt

Yohji’s lips skim his own.

" Please Yohji, I don’t want this," he whispered. Suddenly

he felt Yohji take a step back. Opening his eyes, he saw

Yohji glaring at him.

" I am tired of this bullshit. You make it sound like I am

trying to rape you," said the blonde getting angry. " It’s

not like you don’t want it."

" I don’t," said Ran evenly.

"Really?" said Yohji getting closer an evil glint in his

eye. " Then care to explain this?" said Yohji pressing his

hand on top of Ran’s erect manhood. The redhead turned his

head away blushing furiously. " You don’t even know what

you want." Ran’s eyes widened when he felt Yohji starting

to rub him through the fabric of his pants.

" Wha…" was all the redhead managed to say before Yohji

kissed him. Ran’s senses were being overloaded with

sensations he was still trying to deny. Yohji started

unbuckling Ran’s pants. When Ran felt this he started

pushing at the blonde until Yohji’s hand enclosed his

manhood. Ran’s breath hitched and he almost sagged against

Yohji feeling his legs to weak to support him. Yohji gave

an amused chuckle before he started pumping. Ran gasped

and gripped Yohji’s shirt when he felt Yohji’s finger graze

the head of his erection. Yohji was kissing Ran’s neck

licking over the bruise he had made a few days ago. [He

has my mark. He is mine.]

" Yohji…please…" gasped Ran. The plea sent heat directly

to his groin, of course the blonde didn’t know if Ran was

begging him to stop or go on. Yohji took the more

optimistic way of thinking.

Ran’s body started trembling but Yohji didn’t want him to

come. At least not yet. Removing his hand he kissed Ran

fervently while unbuttoning the latter’s shirt. Ran

responded to the kiss almost as fervently as he did. Once

the shirt was open, the blonde started skimming his fingers

across Ran’s chest wanting to taste everything. Lowering

his head, he took a pale nipple in to his mouth sucking on

it like a babe. Ran whimpered and tangled his hand into

Yohji’s hair, his erection sensitive to the fabric of his

pants. Yohji kept on sucking at kissing, leaving a wet

trail until reaching the hem of Ran’s pants. Lowering the

pants to the ground, he cradled Ran’s erection first

breathing on it and then kissing it. Ran whimpered when he

felt Yohji’s lips on him. Yohji smiled and took all of Ran

into his mouth.

Ran almost screamed when he felt Yohji take him into his

mouth and took hold of Yohji’s shoulders. A part of his

mind wondered if Yohji would have bruises in the morning,

but at the moment he really didn’t care. He could feel all

his body trembling, his legs no longer supporting him. He

was still standing because Yohji was keeping him up. Yohji

kept doing wonderful things to him, so it wasn’t long

before he came. He wanted to scream but instead he bit his

lip painful enough to draw blood and his fingers dug into

Yohji’s shoulders. After that he had no energy left and

slumped over Yohji. He heard Yohji chuckle while he

lowered him to the ground and kissed him deeply. Ran could

taste himself and blood. Yohji kept nuzzling at his neck

and Ran could feel the other man’s erection rubbing against

his thigh. Ran wondered if Yohji wanted to finish this

thing they had started. However, he could feel Yohji still

rubbing against him while kissing his neck, until he felt

the blonde tremble violently before going completely still.

" I didn’t do anything because I don’t want you accusing me

of rape tomorrow," said Yohji quietly while he got up.

Part of Ran wanted to get hold of him and tell the man to

do what he wanted but he couldn’t summon the courage.

" This is just a taste of how good it can really be," said

Yohji kissing him softly. " I forgot that it is almost

Christmas."

Ran could find the energy to speak yet, not after the drain

on his energy all the sensations had provoked.

" Maybe tomorrow we can do something more entertaining,"

said Yohji grinning before he left the room. Ran got up

and crawled into bed not really caring that he was

half-naked. He had bigger thoughts going through his mind

such as what was he going to do about Yohji. The guy had

already gotten to him twice and twice he had done nothing

to stop it. Maybe Yohji was right; he didn’t know what he

wanted.

TBC