"Ran get up! You’ve been wallowing in self-pity ever since you killed that man. You’re not helping anybody by staying in your room all day and not doing anything."

Ran lifted his bed covers to block the sun light that streamed into his room when his ‘best-friend’ but at that moment Ran decided he was going to kill Knight once he got the energy to get out of bed.

"
Ran..."

" Leave me alone or I’ll gut you."

" Not a nice thing to say after, you know..."

" I know," said the redhead as he sat up in bed trying to get his bearings. He had to get out of bed, take a shower, get on with his life or more than likely Kritiker and Manx would throw him out of the team.

Knight sat down beside him wrapping an arm around him, " Ran these things happen, you have to go on. If not for you, do it for your sister.

" I know, but I...I have nightmares."

" With Schuldich?"

Ran turned to face Knight with wide frightened eyes, " How...how did..."

" I know? You mumble when you sleep. Been coming at night to check up on you, seems you and this Schuldich guy have a history, ne?"

" You could call it that,"

" Well then it’s time for you to let go of the past and that means not fearing your nightmares anymore. Confront your fears."

" Easier said than done."

" You have no idea."

For the tenth time Aya pricked himself with the flower arrangement he was trying to create. It was becoming annoying that every time Yohji entered a room he was in, Aya seemed to lose all type of brain power. He would become a clumsy idiot. It was a good thing that Yohji was so involved on his own problems to pay much attention to anything. Ken and Omi who were trying to cheer him up did not notice how Aya seemed to act like a complete idiot or that he was eating less for that matter. The only concern the young Weib members had at the moment was for Yohji. The blonde seemed to be falling apart before their eyes and they were powerless to stop it. It made Aya feel slightly jealous, jealous of having someone thinking about his welfare. Sadly, that stopped once his family was destroyed. Little things like illness or hunger paled when compared to the awful things that had happened in his life.

Taking a deep breath, Aya forced himself to stop thinking about these things. He had walked out on Yohji. After the death of Mika, Aya had decided that he wasn’t going to have anything to do with Yohji. At the beginning Yohji didn’t want to accept it, but eventually he did. Aya was not a person anyone would want to get involved with. He was tainted, cursed and destined to never find happiness. He was one of those people and he accepted it. What was the use to fight destiny if you were going to get screwed up at the end? Better to accept it and deal with it. Yohji was in love with Asuka, Aya could never compete with that because the woman was dead. How do you compete with a memory? That was without taking into account that the woman had sacrificed herself for Yohji.

Looking down at his arrangement, the redhead saw that he had crushed the flowers in his hands. Blood was dripping onto the table, making some of the ‘baby -breath’ he was using to become soaked with it. He was so fascinated by this picture that he didn’t notice Yohji walking up to him.

" Aya..."

Aya tore his eyes away from the arrangement to see Yohji standing in front of him watching. The blonde’s face sporting an expression of sadness mixed with disgust. It made Aya smile. It was what he had been waiting for, to have Yohji become disgusted at seeing him. For Yohji to finally see what kind of sick person Aya actually was and become disgusted by the fact. Lifting his hand, Aya gingerly picked some spines off his palm before cleaning up the blood.

" What did you want?"

" What are you doing? Are you crazy?"

Aya had to suppress the urge to laugh, " Crazy? Well I think I‘m the wrong person to answer that."

Yohji ignored the comment as he picked Aya’s hand to examine it, but Aya snatched his hand back. He didn’t know why but at that moment he couldn’t stand Yohji. Couldn’t stand the look of pity and sadness etched in those jade eyes. Yohji was feeling sorry for him, and that thought alone made Aya’s anger increase. The hate he had because he loved this man and he knew Yohji would never love him back. Need him, yes. The blonde must think it better to fuck someone he knew. It made Aya angry, it made Schuldich’s words come back and haunt him.

[He doesn’t love you. He loves chasing skirts but at the moment you will do.]

" Ran let me see it."

" Don’t you fucking touch me!"

Yohji’s eyes widened at Aya’s outburst, " What the hell’s wrong with you?! I’m trying to help."

Aya laughed bitterly, making his hands into fists, it reopened the wounds making blood drip into the tile floor. " Help? I don’t need * your * help or your pity. I don’t need your pity fuck because you think I’m a boy with a high school crush. Go get a whore, I’m done putting up with you."

" What the fuck?!" Now Yohji was angry, he grabbed Aya’s shirt pulling the redhead closer until their noses almost touched. Yohji was hurt and pissed off. He had never been that desperate as to force himself or use somebody for a quick fuck. He had never thought that Ran would think that. Ever since that Riot mission that had gone all to hell, Ran had been acting funny almost as if he was avoiding the blonde. Every time he tried to touch him, Ran would move or leave. Then had come the * talk * in which Ran had basically told him he wasn’t ready. That Yohji understood, things were moving too fast, but the insults...that he didn’t understand, that and the lack of attention Ran was giving himself. This close Yohji could see the circles under the redhead’s eyes, how he had become thinner, how fragile he looked. Almost like a little kid, like the shy Ran Yohji had met years ago.

" I have never forced myself on to anybody, and I didn’t hear you complaining,"

At this Aya‘s eyes narrowed. How dare he. " Let me go, you fucking bastard! Don’t touch me!" spat Aya trying to break free from Yohji’s hold, but the guy wasn’t letting go. He felt as if the blonde was suffocating him.

"Ran calm down! What’s wrong?" but at that moment Aya was able to get out of Yohji’s hold and did what Yohji had never seen him do before, he ran away from the situation.

Aya sat in his room wondering why he had acted that way with Yohji. It was as if he was crazy, damn Schuldich! When he had first began, Kritiker had tried helping him block the German telepath at the insistence of the Crashers team and it had worked for a while. Yet now the German had found a way around all the defences he had erected and was now tormenting him again. Tormenting him, attacking his weaknesses, his fears and now that Yohji was back in his life all those fears had come back at full force. There was no turning back, he had become Schuldich’s target again and that usually meant that someone would end up dead, like his family.

Damn Yohji for getting through his defences, but the blonde had been right, he hadn’t put up much of a fight.

/You spread your legs like the little bitch you are/

" Not now," it almost sounded like a whine, " Leave me alone."

/Why? I love playing with you. My little orchid./

His head was throbbing now, more than likely work of the telepath. Images of all the people he had killed going through his mind. Not now, it was just too much. He fell on his knees clutching his head, wanting to pull out his hair in hopes that it would drown out the nasal voice.

" Stop..."

/I will, when you realize that no one will want you, except for me. I know you, I know the real you. The monster hiding behind that pretty face of yours. I see what you desire, I know what you think when you kill somebody, how you wish it was you. I know what you did at Crashers, why they all died.../

Aya couldn’t breathe, it was too much. Never his fault he knew that, even Knight had said so...

" I...I...I...no...not...true..."

/You know I’m right or have you forgotten all those dreams? The rush you felt when you held Knight’s dead body knowing what you had done? You’re a bigger monster than you will admit, you’re just like me. Don’t forget that./

Aya kept holding his head not hearing anything, not the pounding that was going on outside or the sobs that escaped his body. Only one thought kept crossing his mind, the idea that the German might be right.

Yohji kept pounding on the door but finally gave up after a while. The redhead was so fucked up, it was a constant battle with the guy. Almost like dealing with a woman with PMS or menopause not that he had any experience with women suffering from menopause. Ran was acting strange, over the past week Yohji had thought that maybe the Riot mission had affected him more than he had admitted, but now he was beginning to think it was something else. For one all the nightmares. The redhead thought nobody knew about those, but they all knew. Each of them had their own ghosts so that really didn’t matter, except that Ran’s ghosts crossed over to the waking world. Like a few moments ago, the blonde had pressed his ear to the door trying to hear the redhead and was surprised to hear the latter talking. Talking to himself or some ghost from his past and now said redhead was crying. He was being very quiet about it and Yohji had the suspicion that Ran was covering his mouth or biting down on something to prevent himself from crying out loud.

[Why won’t you trust me? I want to help]

His thoughts were interrupted when Ran opened the door, tear-faced blinking at finding the blonde crouching near his door.

" Kudou what are you doing?"

[Ouch, back to Kudou]

Getting up, the blonde arranged his sunglasses on his eyes putting up his best smile before speaking, " Making sure you were okay. Hard to keep up with your moods lately."

Violet eyes hardened at the words but no other response came out of the redhead before he headed to the bathroom and shut the door on Yohji’s face.

Passing a hand through blonde locks in an attempt to bring them to some kind of order, the blonde mumbled, " I asked for that" before getting his cigarette pack from his pocket to light up.

Ken had been out coaching some kids when he had almost walked into the yelling match between Yohji and Aya. It had surprised him to say the least, the fact that Aya had been yelling where anybody could just walk in, and the things Aya had said... It was enough to make him blush. He had never heard the redhead speak that way, with anyone. That and the discovery that Aya had been sleeping with Yohji was very surprising. That was enough in itself to make the brunette not want to be part of the conversation.

At that moment, Yohji chose to come down the stairs making Ken blush harder when he saw him. Aya and Yohji, Yohji and Aya, even Yohji had to admit that was a difficult phrase to understand. Maybe all this would blow over and then Ken could go back to his pathetic life in which Yohji and Aya never slept together, a selfish thought, selfish but safe, unlike the rest of his life.

Yet, he had to admit that Aya had been opening up a bit, well that was until the Riot mission. The redhead kept to himself, usually working in the greenhouse or locked up in his room. Doing what? Nobody knew, more than likely thinking about all the things he could’ve done with his life. Well that was what Ken thought about when he locked himself in his room.

"Do I have something on my face?" asked Yohji who was suspiciously eyeing Ken.

Ken blushed, " Umm, no. Where’s Omi?"

" At school baka. Maybe hitting that ball with your head is affecting your memory."

Ken smiled as he picked up the ball from where he had dropped it on the floor. " Well I keep forgetting since I no longer go to school. I wish I did."

Yohji turned to look at Ken as he tried to get a cigarette out of his pack, "We all have regrets. It makes us human."

" I dunno if that’s a good thing."

" In my book it isn’t."

It had been a few days since Aya’s outburst. The redhead had remained fairly silent ever since. Ken and Omi knew that something was going on since Aya refused to come down and eat. He would go about his duties normally but wouldn’t eat or do anything except take a shower, work at the shop and lock himself in his room. Yohji had tried to get the redhead to eat only to be met with silence, as if the redhead were dead. By the end of the week, by mutual agreement Ken, Omi, and Yohji decided to confront Aya and get him to eat by force if necessary. Omi was worried that if this continued it would not only affect the team but Manx would have Aya moved to another team, one not so concerned with his welfare.

Knocking softly, Omi called out to the redhead trying to get some kind of response.

" Aya please open. We just want to make sure that you’re okay."

When only silence greeted them, Omi turned to look at Ken and Yohji not knowing what to do. When Ken was about to start banging on the door, a light scraping was heard before the door opened a crack to show Aya. The redhead looked as if he had just woken up, his hair was mused and his eyes were red rimmed showing that he had been crying.

"I’m okay, now leave me alone."

Omi opened his mouth to voice a protest but the redhead was already closing the door. At that moment Yohji decided he had put up with the nonsense long enough and pushed through Omi to prevent Aya from locking them out.

" What the fuck...?"

Yohji turned giving the two younger ones a wink before locking the door. Finally he turned to face Aya who was holding up his katana threateningly.

" If you don’t get out I will use it."

Yohji blinked at the iciness in the redhead’s voice and started to wonder if this had been the right idea. One more look at the redhead seemed to enforce the thought that this was a stupid idea.

" Well if you let me say something then I’ll leave."

Aya eyed him suspiciously but at least he lowered the katana. At that moment Yohji took the time to look at the redhead. The latter was wearing an oversized grey sweater and some black jeans that seemed a little too big. Maybe it was because the redhead had lost so much weight.

"What are you doing to yourself? Are you trying to kill yourself?"

Aya blinked, before giving a wry smile. " You would love that wouldn’t you? Then you could use me as a sad story to tell your dates." Sitting on his bed, the redhead cradled the katana on his lap before turning to look at Yohji. He was so confused, he didn’t know who to believe, Schuldich, Yohji, or himself.

" Ran...I"

Aya lifted a hand to stop anything Yohji was about to say.

"No. It was a mistake,... this thing we started, it was stupid. I now see that. You should see that."

Briefly pulling at his hair, the blonde restrained his anger by bringing his breathing back under control before saying, "The only one who thinks it was a mistake is you. Don’t you understand? I like you, you mean a lot to me. I would never do anything to hurt you, but you seem to pay more attention to your inner demons than me."

Yohji had started pacing the room stopping when he heard the redhead talk.

"He never stops talking to me. How do you expect me to deal with it? He doesn’t bother YOU, trying to drive YOU insane."

"What are you talking about?"

Aya laughed. " Of course you wouldn’t hear him. You fuck me but sleep blissfully while I get the nightmares."

"Who talks to you?" Yohji’s voice had become dangerously low. Aya turned to look at him warily, a defeated look that sent shivers down Yohji’s spine.

" You don’t know him. I met him the day my parents died because...he helped kill them. He made me what I am."

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