One Art
The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
Then practice losing a father, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother’s watch. And look! My last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.
Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love)
I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
The art of losing’s not too hard to master
Though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
Elizabeth Bishop
Chapter 8
September 17, 1997
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," mumbled Knight as a mantra. Lately that word was becoming his signature word, not that anybody minded. At the moment Ran did mind since the word was making him more nervous than he already was.
"Could you stop that?" hissed Ran from where he was crouching on the floor.
Crashers had been given another mission, one that was supposed to be a download and leave kind of assignment. Clean, quiet, safe. That was the fiction part of the mission, now the real thing was dangerous, there were more people than what their sources had told them, the building was a maze and Ran hadn’t heard any communications from the rest of his team. For all he knew they could be dead. That was not taking into account the current situation Knight and he were in. Both of them were trapped in what seemed to be a janitor’s closet. Knight was beside him; cleaning the sweat off his brow as he kept on cursing in all the languages he knew curse words from.
Knight racked a hand violently through his hair beside standing up, "Damn it, gods."
Ran held on to his katana nervously as he shifted his eyes from Knight to the closet’s door. It was disturbing that both of them were stuck in this stupid closet, too afraid to move because from the sounds of the footsteps outside, it looked like there were maybe about a hundred guards running around the building.
Ran knew that both he and Knight were good but not that good. The odds of surviving a stupid act as charging out were about zero. The redhead was in no hurry to die yet; he still had to take care of Aya.
"Have you heard anything from Bishop?"
"No, I think they might be dead. This is turning into a massacre."
Ran simply stood there wide-eyed trying to control the chattering of his teeth. Bishop dead? If he died what would become of Ran who was a novice at this? There was no way in hell he was ever going to survive.
"Okay I think I have an idea. Ran you with me?"
Ran was brought out from his thoughts before fear could seize him and paralyze his body. Yet his voice shook when he answered Knight. The blonde eyed him assessing if the young assassin would be able to keep control. Seeming to have found what he needed, Knight nodded once before talking into his mouthpiece.
"Bishop can you read me?"
Nothing but static.
"Bishop?"
There was a weak moan on the other side of the connection and a sob escaped Ran’s lips before he could stop it. Knight glared at him before resuming his attempts to contact their leader.
"Bishop...? Damn..."
#A...abort mission...#
"Bishop! Where are you? We’re coming for you." Ran’s breath hitched at hearing Knight’s statement, but if there was something he could do to help he would.
# Don’t...# a choking cough could be heard. Seemed that Bishop had blood in his lungs.
"Are you...?" Knight all but yelled before he heard the next statement that made him freeze.
#Was a set-up. Take...take the boy and run. #
"What? No way! Tell me where the hell you are!" Ran shifted a bit toward the door trying to hear what was going on outside.
# I’m as good as dead. Take the boy...promise me...#
"I do. I will, just please..." Knight was fighting very hard not to give in to crying, he had to be strong at least for Ran. Breaking the connection, the blonde ripped off his earpiece as he turned toward Ran. Taking a deep breath to calm his nerves he gingerly cracked the door open to see outside. Nodding, he closed the door again.
"Okay, I think we have a chance to get out of this in one piece."
"But Bishop..."
"Forget it. He’s dead and he wanted me to get you out of here, I can do
that much."
Ran nodded gripping his katana with all the strength he could muster. It wouldn’t help Knight at all if he fell apart right now.
"Okay," breathed Knight as he passed a gloved hand over the wall in the closet. "There should be a way out of this mess. Simple logic."
Ran chuckled. Knight turned to give him a brief smile.
"Okay red-locks, lets do this."
"Red-locks?" asked Ran with an amused smile.
" Yes, didn’t you
ever read Goldilocks and the three bears?" Seeing Ran shake his head, Knight
gave a mock gasp. "No wonder you’re so repressed."
"Hn."
Knight put up a finger over his own lips before he carefully cracked the door open. The hall was completely silent, which was more dangerous for them. The guards could be just waiting for them to feel comfortable enough to get out and kill them, or they could’ve given up in their search. Ran was furiously wishing for the latter. Knight took them through dark hallways, passing office rooms, conference rooms, everything completely black. Ran could feel his sweat dripping down his eyes and nose, obscuring the little vision he had. Ran lost track of how long they were walking through the building before Knight stopped suddenly.
"What’s wrong?" whispered Ran dreading the worst.
"There’s the exit. It’s too easy."
Ran nervously looked behind him expecting to find a black figure looming over him with a drawn gun. Nothing was there. Rubbing his eyes with a gloved hand, he started to think that Knight’s paranoia must have been rubbing off on him before he following the blonde toward the exit.
Finally outside of the building, Ran breathed in the fresh air, sad but glad that he was finally out of the building. He had lost half of his team but at least he wasn’t alone. That was before he felt the bullet whiz inches apart from his face.
"Get down!" yelled Knight as he threw himself on the floor to roll toward some cover. Ran followed closely, blood dripping from his forehead where he had hit himself when he dropped to the floor.
"Knight..." he gasped. "They were waiting for us."
"Well that’s just fucking brilliant." Ran dropped his eyes, looking everywhere but Knight.
"Hey, I’m sorry," said the blonde placing a hand on Ran’s shoulder. "I’m just having a hard time thinking with all this mess..."
"We’re going to have to kill to get out of this one." Knight nodded looking over Ran’s shoulder. Pulling out his gun, Knight checked how much ammunition he had. Seeming satisfied he clicked the gun back into place as he turned worried eyes at Ran.
"Okay listen carefully. I’m going to start shooting and when I do you are going to run toward the park. You might have a 10 to 15 second window before they realize it’s just me, okay? You just keep going until you get to the Bishop hideout. It’s the only hideout not even Kritiker knows about. I’ll meet you there."
Ran shook his head feeling his breathing become ragged; " There’s no way I’m leaving you out here with only a gun!"
Knight eyed him a few seconds before he turned and started firing. Ran stood transfixed before Knight yelled for him to leave. That’s when the redhead ran leaving Knight behind.
January 23, 1999.
" You don’t know him. I met him the day my parents died because...he helped kill them. He made me what I am."
Yohji blinked drinking in the picture that his lover made. Ran had the face of one that’s tormented.
"Ran..."
"Don’t get any closer. Please..." Ran opened pleading eyes to Yohji, but Yohji was never one to let the people he loved wallow in their misery.
"Ran, whatever you are feeling right now...I just want to help. I don’t know what I did to trigger this but I care for you. You know that."
"Yes," whispered the redhead before letting his katana drop to the floor filling the silence of the room with its clattering.
Walking slowly toward the trembling youth, Yohji began to think that he could fall in love with this man. A man that had tormented him ever since their meeting at that restaurant so many years ago. The man who he thought was dead.
"Ran, tell me what’s going on?"
"Schuldich...he keeps talking to me. I can’t get him out of my head."
Yohji blinked as the thought crossed his mind that his lover might be crazy. Too much pressure made people have delusions. Ran chuckled a bit before walking away from Yohji to sit on his bed.
"You think I’m crazy. I can see it in your eyes."
"No, but you must admit it, this is a bit difficult to understand."
"Schuldich, he’s a telepath. When...when my parents were killed he was there. Watching me with an amused smile as everything around me fell apart."
Yohji‘s eyes widened in shock. "He was there? Why wasn’t he arrested?"
Ran gave a wary smile, "Did you think he was going to stick around until they arrested him? Besides he was there to make sure everyone died but for some reason he let me live."
"And now he talks to you. How long has this been going on?"
"Years. Always comes and goes but for some reason he’s been talkative lately. Reminding me about things I’d rather forget, telling me things about you."
Yohji walked over to sit beside the redhead to enclose him in a hug. It surprised the blonde that Ran clung to him as he tried to stop the sobs that escaped his delicate frame. Yohji couldn’t say anything only show his support and love he had for him.
"It’s okay, I’ll protect you. I promise."
Ran looked up from Yohji’s chest as his sobs subsided.
"But..."
Yohji smiled as he leaned down to kiss Ran. " Don’t worry about it, nothing will happen."
"The last person that said that to me is dead."
Ken and Omi hearing that there were no more screams coming from inside Aya’s room decided that the best course of action was to go and get something to eat. Well at least that’s what Ken thought as he dragged a very reluctant Omi away from Aya’s room.
"Ken-kun, what if they start another fight?"
"Doubt it," said Ken still dragging the youth toward the kitchen. He could just see what was going through Yohji’s mind at the moment. Now that the both of them had made up the only thing that was missing was make up sex and Ken wasn’t going to stay and find out if he was right.
Releasing the blonde Ken smiled at Omi trying to get the blonde to cooperate with him. Please say yes, please... "What do you say that we go get something to eat outside?"
Crossing his arms over his chest, Omi’s eyes narrowed trying to see what Ken was up to. He knew the soccer freak was up to something but for the life of him he couldn’t figure it out.
"Why do you want to leave so soon?"
"What?" asked the soccer player as he searched for a pair of shoes that wasn’t so dirty.
"Why are you dragging me away?"
Ken blushed before mumbling, "Make-up sex."
"What?"
"Make. Up. Sex." Omi had the decency to blush before clearing his throat.
" Well then what do you feel like eating, Noodles or some Italian?"
Ken laughed.
Aya was feeling pretty good. He had woken up for the first time in while feeling completely rested and refreshed. It was a foreign feeling if one took into consideration the number of times he had woken up screaming. Looking at his reflection in the mirror he noticed how the dark circles under his eyes had all but disappeared. Well Yohji would be pleased, the baka was full of himself as it was. Now when he saw that after a few nights of having sex Aya was looking better…the redhead didn’t even want to think about it. Walking out of his room, the redhead walked to the bathroom thinking that he would have to hurry up if he ever wanted to open shop in time. This was all Yohji’s fault, forgive the man and he would abuse that privilege.
[Damn]
Turning on the shower, Aya stood under the spray trying to wake himself up. A good shower always did that. After scrubbing his body and rinsing his hair, the redhead stood a few minutes under the spray enjoying the feel of how the water hammered against his body. Finally done with his shower, he walked out dressing on some blue jeans and a black t-shirt before walking down to open shop.
The day was a slow day rarely being interrupted by the random husband or lover that wanted some flowers for his better half. The beauty of being normal, something the redhead had lost a long time ago. That was about the time he heard the whistling.
Yohji entered the shop attired in his usual low jeans and tight shirt that showed the well formed muscles the blonde liked to show off. Aya rolled his eyes. The blonde always liked making an entrance it was annoying sometimes.
"Ohayo Ran, sleep well?"
"Hai," said Aya as he fixed an arrangement. This one was a simple dozen yellow roses surrounded by baby’s breath. The man the ordered had been very specific about it, but at the moment Aya wasn’t concentrating. He could feel Yohji’s gaze on him and it made him feel shivers down his back.
"What are you doing?" asked the blonde coming up from behind and resting his chin on Aya’s shoulder.
"An order."
"Mmm, that’s nice."
Aya jumped slightly when he felt Yohj’s arm encircle his waist. The guy would always pick the most random places to make out. He could feel the blonde’s warm lips tickling the back of his neck it was nice.
"Do you know that I’ve always wanted to take you here?"
Opening his eyes, Aya was beginning to think that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to let the blonde touch him.
"Yohji…"
"Just this once…" said the blonde as he slipped a hand inside Aya’s pants and started massaging the limp organ.
Aya kept looking toward the door fearing that anybody could just walk in and see them. What would happen? Oh gods, it was too horrible to think about…
"Yohji, stop." But there was no conviction in his voice; he wanted this as much as the blonde did.
"Mmm, you taste good." Yohji was now licking his neck as he rubbed himself suggestively against Aya’s jean clad rear. It was making Aya’s heart race just to think what would come next but it had to stop. Yet, before he even got a word out Yohji opened Aya’s jeans pulling them down in one quick motion underwear and all.
A gasp escaped the redhead surprised by the sudden cold of the table against his stomach and Yohji’s flesh against him. He hadn’t even noticed when Yohji had lowered his own pants.
"I need you…" whispered the blonde hoarsely against his ear.
Panting Aya lifted his arm to bring Yohji closer to him as his other hand closed over a thorn filled rose. The pain brought him out of his aroused state long enough for him to notice that he was starting to bleed, but what caught his attention was the fact that the rose was black. He didn’t remember having a black rose on the table, but those thoughts disappeared when he felt Yohji’s probing finger against his entrance.
"Shh, relax no one is going to see us…" Aya hoped so or Yohji would be missing a few vital parts later on. Finally letting himself go, the redhead gave into the sensations Yohji’s touch provoked in him and before long the blonde was moving slowly in and out of him. It was an incredible feeling making it hard to keep in the whimpers and open-mouthed gasps every time Yohji rubbed against his sweet spot. He was clutching the rose harder, feeling how the thorn dug in further into his skin, but at the moment he didn’t care. Yohji was making him feel as if he was riding sensation after sensation making his body over sensitized even to the lightest exhalation of the blonde’s breath. It took a while for Aya to notice that Yohji was talking to him.
"…wait for me…"
Aya gasped, " What?"
" You left me."
"What are you talking about?" what Yohji was doing to him was making it harder to think. The blonde started shoving in harder making Aya groan out loud.
"You left me there to die," groaned a voice that wasn’t Yohji’s. It made Aya’s blood run cold. What the hell? Turning his head carefully, he saw the blonde hair but there was something different.
"Yohji?"
"You left me and that’s why I died. After all I did to help you." Now Aya was sure that the voice wasn’t Yohji’s. In a moment of blind panic he tried to get away from whoever was behind him only to have him encircle his waist and start to move faster in him as he tried to reach his orgasm. Too far out to stop, Aya felt himself orgasm followed not long after the other man.
"You left me."
Finally managing enough strength to push himself away from the other man, he put enough distance between them in order to see who it was. With his heart hammering rapidly against his ribcage, Aya picked up a pair of shears as he put on his pants. The form wasn’t moving as if he were dead.
"Who the fuck are you?"
No answer. Aya was confused as to how he had thought it was Yohji who was with him, that was before the form moved and started chocking him. He could barely breathe with those hands trying to squeeze the life out of him, and as suddenly he was let go. He started coughing trying to get some air into his lungs and the smell of decaying flesh overwhelmed him. Fumbling awkwardly to get away from the form, Aya noticed the streak of blood he was leaving on the floor from his bleeding hand that instead of holding a rose now held a dagger. Dumbly he stared at it seeing the beautiful silver flowers that were carved on the side. Knight had loved this dagger, what was it doing in his hand? Then Aya remembered the last thing he had done with it. He had gotten rid of it afterwards, why was it here? He could see the old crusted blood making him scream before he lifted his eyes to meet the dead ones.
"You killed me…"
"Ran! Listen to me!"
Ran couldn’t breathe; he had to get out of here. Needed to breathe.
"I’m sorry! I never meant to, let me go!"
"Ran!" yelled Yohji as he tried to make his lover calm down. The guy had been screaming on his sleep and whatever he had dreamt had affected him enough for him to be fighting Yohji. Placing his hands on both sides on Ran’s face, Yohji made the redhead look at him. It seemed to calm Ran somewhat.
"You okay?"
Ran averted his eyes trying to get some kind of control, "Let me go, I can’t breathe."
Yohji released the redhead who jumped out of the bed as soon as he was released. The blonde sat there watching how his lover took deep breaths while pacing the room.
"You okay?"
Ran didn’t answer but instead turned to lean his forehead against the cold window watching the gray night. There was snow falling down from the trees as the wind shook them. Everything was so white making Ran notice the object that rested against the windowsill.
"What is it?" asked the blonde jumping out of bed when he heard Ran’s whimper.
"Just a black rose."