One Art
The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
Then practice losing a father, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother’s watch. And look! My last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.
Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love)
I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
The art of losing’s not too hard to master
Though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
Elizabeth Bishop
Chapter 9
September 19, 1997
Ran’s breath hitched as a car passed by thankfully ignoring his presence. Each minute that passed by making it more difficult for him to think on what he was supposed to do. Everybody on his group was dead or at least that’s what he thought; so he kept on walking looking for their hideouts, trying to come to grips with the reality that had befallen his shoulders in the last twenty-four odd hours.
Finally after much wandering, the redhead reached his safe house. Crashers had never used this safe house since it was only for when they believed there was a security breach. Right now Ran didn’t know what to do but he wasn’t taking any chances.
Shaking from the cold and fear, the redhead quietly entered the building running a check through it before turning on one of the lamps. Light flooded into the living room reflecting off the waxed wood floorboards and picture frames. His footsteps echoed as he slowly moved around the room looking for somewhere to drop his katana. He didn’t want to carry it anymore, his guilt making it weigh more.
Sighing, Ran let his body sag against the wall staring toward the living room before walking across it to turn on the fireplace. Moving to the liquor cabinet, he grabbed hold of the first alcohol bottle he found and took a big swig from it, the bitter taste making him choke and gasp.
"Dammit!" hissed the redhead before placing the bottle back in the cabinet. Walking slowly up the stairs, he started removing his coat, dropping it on the bathroom floor with the rest of his clothes as he turned on the water in order to fill the bathtub. Dropping a few lavender body salts, the redhead lowered himself into the warm water closing his eyes as he thought back to the night before. Even though he had run, he had also done the stupid mistake of going back to see if Knight was there. The place had been crawling with cops and no sign of Knight. He had kept himself hidden until the cops had left walking where he had left Knight only finding a few gun shells and a great deal of blood.
Choking on a gasp that he was trying to hold in, Ran finally let the tears he had been trying to hold in flow. He held on to the rim of the tub trying to control the way his body was shaking with his sobs. He had screwed up, big time. He didn’t even have bodies to bury just had to leave them rot wherever they were. His only hope was that Kritiker had gotten to the bodies before the cops had.
Sighing, he splashed some water on his face before laying back down as he tried to regain some modicum of control. Everything would be okay... it had to be.
Closing the bathroom cabinet, Ran opened a bottle of sleeping pills taking two of them with a bit of water. He needed some sleep if he was going to figure out what he had to do. That done, he walked to the room he had chosen for the night going to the closet picking out some black shorts and white t-shirt before dressing and sitting down of the bed to sharpen his katana. Half way through cleaning it he started feeling the effects of the sleeping pills so with a small yawn he put his katana back in its sheathe and went to sleep, and in his dreams he cried.
February 21, 1999
Aya stared at the shot glass trying to figure out what he was doing. He was sore, tired and frustrated enough that he was about to take Yohji’s advice and drink himself into stupor to forget all about his problems. Of all his solo missions this had been the worst, it was by sheer luck that he was still alive or had all his limbs attached to him. It had been a massacre and this was why he sat in the bar stool in his hotel room deciding whether he should get plastered or not.
"Fuck it," the redhead said out loud before taking the drink. It burned on the way down his throat making him slightly cough. Pouring another drink, he sighed closing his eyes as he rubbed his temples. Why had the mission gotten to him?
[Because it reminded you of Knight.]
He had to hide in the janitor’s closet as he tried to get out of the building, he had done it many times before but the simple fact of being in the closet by himself had gotten to him.
/Hello, Dear orchid. Revisiting old memories? /
"Not you, leave me alone," whispered the redhead as he kicked himself for sounding so weak.
/You know I love these little talks we have. /
"Fuck you."
/I would love it if I fucked you instead. /
Pulling at his hair, Aya sighed pouring himself another shot. If he couldn’t get the German to shut up then he was just going to drink himself into oblivion and shut him up.
/You shouldn’t drink. /
"Yes, says the guy that fucks people’s minds," and with that the redhead went ahead and got plastered.
"Where the hell is he?" complained Yohji for what was about the fifth time in the last ten minutes. "He was supposed to get here this morning."
"Yohji-kun, maybe he’s just running a bit late."
Yohji gave Omi a glare that made his jaw snap shut. Omi was also worried about Aya but he wasn’t about to tell that to Yohji.
"You know how he is, maybe he wanted some time alone. The guy wouldn’t call us if that’s what he did," said Ken placing a flowerpot in the shop’s display windows.
Sighing, Yohji sat on a chair as he reached for a pack of cigarettes. He needed to do something so he wouldn’t go crazy. That baka was supposed to be there about six hours ago and Ken was right. Ran wouldn’t bother to call, he wouldn’t care that Yohji was going crazy with worry. He just wouldn’t care about anything at all.
The door chime made them all look up to see a very tired and slightly bedraggled with his dark coat and navy blue dress shirt. Yohji had never seen Ran dressed this way, looking like he just stepped out of a J. Crew magazine. It made the blonde think about the dreams he had been having the past week since Aya had left on that sole mission.
"Aya!" gasped Omi surprised. Yohji jumped out of his chair taking two steps before stopping. Aya didn’t look too good. He was wearing some dark glasses that made his skin look paler than it usually did.
"Aya? Are you okay?"
"Yes. I’m going to take a shower," and with that left the flower shop without even saying hello.
Aya sighed as he dropped his luggage on his bed before starting to undress. He felt horrible, he had spent most of last night getting trashed and talking to a demented German. How low had he fallen? And to top it all lately he had been dreaming with Knight. Remembering everything that had happened that night.
[I’m okay...I’m okay. Breathe. Relax…RELAX]
Breathing deeply as he closed his eyes, Aya finished undressing and choosing a pair of shorts and T-shirt before walking to the bathroom to take a shower.
He just needed to be alone for a while, alone meaning without a bottle of alcohol.
Yohji was worried. Ever since Ran had come back from his mission he had been acting weird around him. Not that it was anything new since almost every other day Ran would act weird around him but this time it was something. Something was wrong, Yohji knew it and he was going to find out.
Walking down the stairs from his room, the blonde ran into the person he wanted to talk to.
Ran was fixing an arrangement with some lilies almost matching the color of his pale hands. It made Yohji stop in his tracks watching how the redhead gently placed the flowers in the vase once that done moving a hand through his hair to tuck an ear tail behind his ear. It was beautiful making Yohji remember how to breathe.
"Ran."
Ran looked up from his work, a small frown marring his delicate features.
"Yohji…what’s wrong?"
A bit startled out of his Ran watching, Yohji gave the redhead his best smile to reassure him that everything was okay.
"I’ve been noticing something lately."
"What’s that?" asked the redhead not looking up from the arrangement he was making.
"You’ve been acting strange. Almost like you’re jumpy about something."
The blonde knew he had hit gold when he saw Ran’s eyes narrow.
"You’re watching me?
"Yes, it’s not such a big deal, but we are talking about you here. You always make things bigger than they actually are."
"Fuck you," growled the redhead before dropping what he was doing and walking past Yohji.
"Oh no you don’t. Every time I ask something about you, you pull this shit."
Ran wasn’t listening, Ran was too busy trying to get away from Yohji before the man managed to corner him somewhere.
"Ran…" said the blonde running after the redhead and barely managing to get there before Ran closed the door on his face.
"Ran, stop it. Talk to me."
" I. Don’t. Want. To. Talk."
"I don’t give a damn beautiful," said the blonde knowing how much Ran hated to be called pet names.
"What the hell do you want?"
"I want you to tell me what’s wrong with you."
"And if I don’t want to? Do I really have to tell you every fucking little thing I feel?!? Why the FUCK won’t you leave me alone?!?"
"Ran…"
"Leave me alone. You can’t help me."
Yohji put his foot inside the room to jam the door when he saw Ran was going to leave him out. He had never seen Ran scream that way unless he was standing on his last limb or desperate.
"Ran…you’re so beautiful. Why do you keep doing this to yourself?"
Ran blinked slowly as he stopped trying to close the door to his room. Yohji took the opportunity to come into the room closing the door behind him before turning the lock as an afterthought.
"Come here, I want to talk to you," signaled the blonde the spot beside him where he had sat on Ran’s bed.
Ran sighed slowly walking to where Yohji was but he didn’t sit. Instead stood in front of the blonde until Yohji put his arms around his waist.
"Ran, you drive me crazy sometimes," his breath hitting the redhead’s partly exposed abdomen.
"I thought you liked that about me," Ran answered as his arms hugged Yohji’s shoulders.
"I do and I don’t. I just wish you trusted me more."
"Hn."
"That’s not an answer," said Yohji before placing a kiss on Ran’s abdomen feeling how Ran held his breath. "You want me to continue?"
No answer.
"I’ll take that as a yes," said the blonde as he started kissing Ran’s abdomen, open-mouthed wet kisses that made the redhead suck in his stomach. Then that wonderful mouth moved lower to the bulge that was forming on Ran’s pants because of Yohji’s attentions making the redhead lose all train of thought. The hands that were grasping Yohji’s shoulders tightened as Ran tried to hold back a moan.
"Let it go, just be the boy you once were for a night. The boy who loved me."
A faint whimper escaped Ran as he tried to remain standing with Yohji massaging him through his pants. It was becoming hard to breathe and think why he had been angry most of last night. Why all throughout the night he had gotten drunk in order to block out German words that reminded him of the sins of his youth. Of all the things he had done after the night he had lost all his innocence.
"Come on…" whispered the blonde as he opened the redhead’s pants slowly almost as if he were calming a wild animal.
"Yohji…don’t…"
Stopping halfway through opening Ran’s zipper, Yohji looked up to see Ran looking down at him biting his bottom lip from moaning out loud. "Mmm? I see, a challenge. I like challenges."
"Yohji…please…" his sentence being stopped when Yohji started kissing him. Even though the redhead pushed lightly at Yohji’s shoulders, his lips opened under the brutal assault of the blonde making Yohji growl deep in his throat.
"Ran, you drive me crazy sometimes you know? Why do you always have to make everything so hard?" asked Yohji as he started kissing and licking on Rna’s neck trying to leave a mark. He had to keep reminding Ran that he was Yohji’s or the baka would forget.
Ran was beyond speech as he hugged Yohji’s shoulders threading his fingers through the golden mass of hair.
Grinding his hips against Yohji’s, Ran gasped, "Yohji, now!"
"Patience. You come back from a mission and you want me to hurt you?"
A gasp was his answer as Ran lifted his hips following the rhythm Yohji had set for him with his hand. The hand was quickly replaced by a pair of lips making Ran bite his lip to stop himself from crying out. It was a bit too much. He didn’t want this; he was tainted.
"No…I…you can’t…"
Yohji started humming making Ran cry out. The sound ran down to Yohji’s groin, the blonde wanted to be inside his lover.
Ran’s gasps were becoming more urgent, the only warning Yohji got before hot liquid flooded the back of his throat. Ran let himself fall over Yohji who was still holding his legs up. The blonde chuckled before picking the redhead up to lay him on the bed removing all of the redhead’s clothes before settling himself in between the redhead’s thighs.
Stretching him as fast as he could without hurting him, Yohji buried himself into his lover making the latter cry out and hold on to his back.
It was fast and brutal but at the moment what both of them needed making them both cry out when they were finally spent.
Yohji curled up on his side to watch Ran’s relaxed face his hand lifting to caress the frozen beauty.
"I could almost love you…" a whispered admition, but no truer and sadder words had been spoken. A part of Yohji could laugh at the irony.
"What are you doing here?" asked Ran sitting up on the bed making the sheets pool at his waist.
"I told you I would return."
"You never…"
"Said that? Well you would be right, bo-ya…"
Ran blinked trying to make sense of what was going on. "What?"
"I come all the way from hell and ‘what?’ is all you tell me?"
"Knight…" as an exhalation of breath.
"I’ve come for my due…"
Pain flaring from his abdomen to all his body; making him clutch at his stomach only to feel wetness and dumbly stare at it.
"So much blood…"
"The blade that feeds on blood will betray its master."
"What?" asked Ran as his lips trembled.
Lips breaking into a grim smile, "Your blade will turn against the people you love and I will be there to savor your suffering. You will suffer how I did. Time you paid your debt bo-ya…"
Opening his eyes, Ran stared at the ceiling as his chest shook with suppressed emotion. Blinking back tears he slowly extracted himself from Yohji’s grip making the blonde mumble a bit before turning on his stomach and going back to sleep. Walking to where his katana was perched, Ran picked it up slowly getting it out of the sheathe making it reflect the moonlight on his pale face.
"Will kill the ones I love, ne? Too bad I don’t love anybody…"
/What about your dear sister? /
A bitter chuckle escaped his lips, "Sometimes I wish we were all dead. I would still be able to face my mother."
/Aww, the orchid having regrets? /
"Why do I bother…"
/I know who you really are. I know your true face, the one you hide behind that cold façade. /
"I don’t hide…"
/You do. Your whore of a boyfriend would leave you the moment he knew what you are. You enjoy killing, you become drunk with the power it gives you. The high you wish never to come down from. No pity for the guilty and innocent alike. /
"I don’t…" hissed the redhead closing his fist over the blade only to blink when he felt the blade bite into his palm.
A low laugh / That’s why I love your mind. So twisted, but one day you will see. /
"Go away!" a whispered threat.
/The past catches up to us Little Orchid. You should know that better than anybody. /
Once the German was gone, the redhead re-sheathed his sword and perched it on the wall. Yohji was still asleep so Ran was free to look at him with no interruptions.
[Do I really love him?]
A wry smile spread on his lips, Schuldich was right. Yohji would leave him if he knew all the people he had killed. He didn’t like it but he had no choice, he had sold his soul to devil trying to save his sister. His sister who was his cross to bear, punishment and salvation within her. In her name he had killed hundreds of people, in her name he had betrayed, in her name he had slept with Yohji.
Everything for her leaving nothing for Ran to take, making a ghost of his existence.
"I’m going crazy."
When he opened his drawer to get some boxers, his throat closed up as his lips parted but no sound came.
There on top of his underwear laid his biggest sin, a silver dagger with an engraved rose.
A nasal chuckle, /Who’s crazy now, hmm? /
TBC...