Disclaimers: I do not own Weiss Kreuz or any of its characters. If
you see this fic and want to sue me the only thing you will get will
be my anime collection, cuz I have no money (
Author: Max Ikari
Pairings: Yohji/Aya, Schuldich/Aya
Warnings: NC-17, Lemon, non-consensual sex, violence, adult language,
etc.
[] Inner thoughts
/Mind talking/
The Devil's Own
Chapter 9
# Saint Judas#
When I went out to kill myself, I caught
A pack of hoodlums beating a man.
Running to spare his suffering, I forgot
My name, my number, how my day began.
How soldiers milled around the garden stone
And sang amusing songs; how all that day
Their javelins measured crowds; how I alone
Bargained the proper coins, and slipped away.
Banished from heaven, I found this victim beaten
Stripped, kneed, and left to cry. Dropping my rope
Aside, I ran, ignored the uniforms:
Then remembered bread my flesh had eaten,
The kiss that ate my flesh. Flayed without hope,
I held the man for nothing in my arms.
James Wright.
Aya woke up with a scream in his lips and soaked in his own sweat. A
night of bad dreams could do that to you. About a month ago
Schuldich had caught him playing with the knife. Since then, the
telepath paid more attention to him, was more attentive almost kind.
Kind, like the kind of love Aya had when his family lived. The kind
of love that is given freely and doesn't have an ulterior motive.
The kind of love Yohji was willing to give him.
Yohji…
Aya hated that man. He hated Yohji because the playboy was acting
outside his character. Playboys are not supposed to care. Playboys
are happy when their prey gives them what they want and disappears.
And yet, Yohji did care. Wanted him back, Aya had seen that in
Yohji's eyes. There was a sense of betrayal, but nonetheless all the
love was still there. A love he would never get from Schuldich.
Getting out of bed, Aya walked to the bathroom sink to wash his face
and the remnants of his dream with it. Splashing his face, Aya
stared at himself. The mirror betrayed his weaknesses, insecurities,
and his sins. Aya had dark circles around his eyes that showed how
exhausted he really was. He was thinner and paler. A good for
nothing. Schwartz was starting to notice it too. Aya couldn't keep
up with the team's training practices. Mad at himself, Aya had
secretly gone to see a doctor. That was a complete disaster. He had
stood about ½ hour outside the building, just staring. When he
finally built the courage to go inside, the doctor had told him he
had an anemia and what seemed like the beginnings on an aneurysm.
Too much stress and bad genes the doctor had said. In other words he
was fucking sick and needed to take drugs. So he was on drugs. That
didn't help much with his fatigue and appetite.
[Gods, he hated his life.] Picking up the bottle of antihypertensive
drugs, Aya looked at himself in the mirror not liking what he saw.
[Maybe if I don't take them I may die faster]. Putting down the
bottle, he undressed and took a shower.
[Fuck Yohji and Schuldich and all of Schwartz. I no longer care].
Another horrible day, thought Yohji as he got up from bed. Lately he
wasn't able to sleep, not that he ever did. However, it had been
almost a month since he had seen Aya last and he was worried. Ken.
Omi, and him had run into Schwartz again, but the redhead was nowhere
to be seen. That worried Yohji so he had Omi looking at hospitals,
shelters, and morgues, anywhere for any sign of their friend. Not a
trace. So Yohji started making rounds in the city. Go to places the
redhead might be interested in, but not a sign. About two days ago
Omi had come upon some medical records, by the description of the
patient they believed it was Aya. Breaking into the hospital the
next night, Yohji found out that the records were Aya's and that he
was sick. It was as if fate wanted Yohji to find Aya.
Nobody can break away from fate, but sometimes you can bend it. So
Yohji was bending fate, trying to break the cycle of pain and
sorrow. Trying to save his friend and lover, to be for once the
hero.
Yohji could remember Aya once mentioning that some people were
predestined to suffer. Almost like a scale. The ying and yang.
* Flashback*
**********************************************************************
A wry smile played on Aya's lips, " My father used to say when I was
a boy that the world must be in equilibrium. The amount of goodness
and evil must be equal. If there is too much good, evil will come
forth to make up for the difference and vice versa. The bad part of
this arrangement is that some people get more misfortune than
others.
" I don't believe that," said Yohji from his place in the opposite
chair.
" I am not asking you to believe me," said Aya quietly.
Yohji looked at him before saying, " You believe this."
Aya shrugged. " I believe that sometimes life fucks some people more
than others. I believe that my life is one of those. My life
suffering is a way for the gods to obtain their equilibrium."
Yohji stared at Aya amazed. Yohji would have never thought the
redhead could be so close-minded.
" That's bullshit,"
" That's fate," said Aya closing his eyes.
" You can escape fate," said Yohji seriously.
" No you can't. Nobody can break away from fate, but some luck ones
can bend it," said Aya still with his eyes closed.
" I don't believe in fate," said Yohji before getting up to walk away.
**********************************************************************
Now Yohji wasn't so sure. It seemed that fate went out of its way to
fuck over him and Aya. Aya's family was dead, and Aya was living in
pure hell. He kept losing the people he loved same as Aya. Maybe
that is the reason Aya and him became lovers. A way to reach
equilibrium. Aya's coldness to contrast Yohji's excessive
flirtatiousness and outgoing character. [How fucked up is that.] To
top everything, Omi and Ken treated him like he was made of glass.
Ken thought that seeing them in love would make him miss Aya all the
more. [They shouldn't bother, I still miss Aya].
Crawford was angry. Well more than angry, he was pissed. Today he
had been assaulted by a vision, a vision that was to happen this
afternoon. However, there were about seven different outcomes for
the same incident. This is what had Crawford pissed off, the lack of
control of a situation.
" What's the matter honey?" asked Schuldich, his voice dripping
sarcasm.
" I am not in the mood to deal with your jokes Schuldich," said
Crawford removing his glasses to rub in between his eyes.
" Are you getting a headache?" asked Schuldich.
Yeah, Nagi get me some aspirin," snapped Crawford. Immediately Nagi
retrieved the aspirin and handed it to Crawford along with a glass of
water.
" Thanks," said Crawford and took the medicine.
" What's wrong?" asked Schuldich. " Was it a vision?"
" Yes. It seems your Abyssian is too unpredictable," answered the
American.
" I have him under control," snapped Schuldich.
" How? He doesn't even know what he wants," said Crawford. " All
that mental tampering is fucking him up worse."
" Do you know what will happen?" asked Schuldich not trying to show
his concern.
" That's the problem. The vision gave me about seven different ways
it could end. Not very encouraging I'm afraid."
" I can trust him. The kitten loves me," said Schuldich smiling
evilly.
" He loves what you can give him," said Crawford under his breath.
" And what is that?" asked Schuldich.
" I thought you already knew being a telepath," said Crawford
smiling. " He loves that fact that you can give him death."
Finishing his shower Aya didn't feel much like eating so he just
grabbed his coat and left the house. He knew the telepath would be
mad at him like the time he had gone to the hospital alone. Aya had
his mental barriers up making it impossible for the telepath to read
his mind. The only good thing that came out of that relationship,
thought Aya bitterly. He was tired and worn out. This morning he
had to take some energy pills. That didn't help much either. To top
everything, his clothes were fitting him big making him look
awkward. Seeing the park he was looking for, Aya sat in a bench to
watch the people go on with their lives. Little did he know that he
was about to confront his own.
# `What can be shown?
What true love be?
All could be known or shown
If Time were but gone.'
`That's certainly the case, said he.
W. B. Yeats (Fragment)
I was walking through the city in what had become a routine. I am
looking for Aya, but every time I return to the apartment empty
handed. I want to talk to Aya, to figure out what had been going
through that head of his when he left us. Left me. Turning the
corner I saw a flash of red that seemed familiar. A deep blood red.
Feeling dread in the pit of my stomach, I followed the person. Soon
it became clear that it was Aya, a very distracted Aya at that. The
redhead hadn't noticed he was being followed. I saw Aya reach a park
and just sit and look at the people. Seeing Aya so thin and
vulnerable almost made me cry. I want to comfort him, tell him how
much I love him and need him. Take all his pain away. Just seeing
him there quietly looking at the people makes me wonder. Maybe Aya
is not as cold as he wants everyone to think. Maybe Aya wants to die
to stop feeling. To stop having a heart.
I start getting close and finally sit on the bench.
" Beautiful day don't you think?" I ask. Aya just stares as if he
has seen a ghost.
My voice has left me. I can only stare and make an idiot of myself.
" Nice to see you too Aya," says Yohji sarcastically when I don't
answer.
" Um…Yohji? What are you doing here?" I ask.
" Taking a walk. Same as you," Yohji says before lighting a
cigarette.
" You have to go," I say. " Someone may see you."
" I don't mind," said Yohji. " Besides I have been looking for you.
Why did you leave?"
I feared he would ask that. Why did I leave? I don't know. Escape
had been the biggest thing, but now I am not sure. Death. I wanted
to escape my fate. Throw the gods of course, get back at them for
ruining my life.
" How did you find me?" I ask.
" Your medical records," says Yohji. " Seems you are very sick. You
should be with us, your family. We would be caring for you right
now. Instead you are with Schwartz and Schuldich. Do you love him?"
" No," I answer. It is the truth. I thought I loved him, but now I
know better. A stupid person confuses lust with love.
" Good," says Yohji with a smug smile. " You are better than that.
You know? Today I was remembering what you told me about fate. You
remember? You said `no one can escape fate.' I said you were wrong.
Now I am not so sure, life really has fucked us up. Still I kept
looking for you, I love you even if you don't."
I am stunned. I though he hated me and wanted nothing else to do
with me. I don't know if I love him. I do know I am afraid of him.
Afraid of what he might make me feel.
" Why do you keep avoiding people? As much as fate screws you over,
you also have to do your part. I wish you would come back with me.
Leave Schwartz. Omi and Ken need you. I need you."
I smile at this. Yohji just stares at me. " How can you need me? I
can't even help myself Yohji. Just look at my life. You don't need
me, you just want to need me. Make me feel needed."
" Is that so bad?" asks Yohji in a small voice. " I have already
lost Asuka, please don't let me lose you."
I stare at him not knowing what to say. Yohji has never been so
honest with me. Not that I blame him.
" I—I"
" Don't say anything just hear me out okay?" says Yohji. " I know
that I am not the perfect person for you. Most of the times we don't
see the same in issues. You and I are too fucked up to have anything
simple. Still, it is more than that sadistic bastard can give you.
I love you Aya, I really do and I am going crazy without you. I
can't sleep just thinking if you are okay. If you are still alive or
murdered in your sleep…"
I stop him, he is crying. Crying for me. No one has done that for
me in a long time.
" Shh, I know, I know. I am sick of trying to live. I am just so
tired of everything."
" Come home with me. Please." Pleaded Yohji.
I thought about refusing, of saying no and go back to my zombie
existence. I am weak so I couldn't refuse.
" Hai…"
" Where the fuck is he? I can't sense him," said Schuldich for the
tenth time that hour. Aya had been gone since the morning and hadn't
come back. It was frustrating. Also the fact that Crawford had said
the kitten was not in his control. Schuldich had noticed that Aya
seemed distant with him lately, but he hadn't thought much about it.
Now Schuldich thought that maybe he should have. Aya was gone and he
couldn't sense him, which meant one of two things. Either the kitten
was already dead or Aya was blocking him out. Hopefully it was the
latter. Schuldich didn't want to think that Aya was dead. There was
a slight knock at his door making the German pause in his pacing of
the room.
" What?" asked Schuldich.
Crawford opened the door letting himself in.
" I think I know where your toy is," said Crawford smiling.
Schuldich was starting to guess. " He has joined the other kittens."
Ken and Omi were very excited of the fact that Aya had returned with
Yohji. To be honest Aya looked like shit. His skin had assumed a
sickly pallor and he didn't seem to be eating. Omi had cooked a bowl
of steamed rice and given it to the redhead. Aya didn't touch it.
Yohji was beside Aya the whole time assuring him that everything was
okay. It was as if Aya was afraid of all of them. He kept casting
looks to the door and was quieter than usual. It was a miracle that
Yohji had even convinced Aya to return with him. Omi smiled at the
redhead, however, not even Omi's content nature seemed to help.
" Are you sick Aya?" asked Omi eyes full of concern.
" Hai…" said Aya not looking at the younger boy.
" We are here for you," said Omi grabbing Aya's hand. When Aya tried
to remove it, Omi held on tighter. " I know you think we hate you.
We all know your thinking by now. We never hated you, we were just
so worried. We missed you, I missed you. It is good to see you
again." Omi was crying by now.
" I—I am sorry," said Aya in a quiet whisper. Omi stopped crying
when he heard Aya.
" Aya-kun? Don't feel sorry. You are back," said Omi and smiled at
Aya, the latter gave him a smile in return.
That had been about three hours ago. Aya had gone to Yohji's room
and fallen asleep instantly. Yohji was there watching the redhead
and thinking murderous thoughts about Schwartz. Aya saw himself
dirty it was very obvious. The way he kept away, didn't welcome
touching and the constant washing of hands. Yohji had noticed that
when Aya had first gotten home. He had asked Yohji if he could use
the kitchen sink and had washed his hands about three times before
turning off the water. This same procedure was repeated about
another four times. Thank the gods Aya was back and safe.
There was a loud knock at their door. Yohji could hear Omi going to
answer the door. Opening his door a crack, Yohji strained to hear
who it was.
" Hello kittens," said a nasal voice.
" Fuck, it's Schwartz," said Yohji. Aya stirred and opened his
eyes. " Aya, we have problems."
" Schwartz right?" asked the redhead. He seemed resigned to
everything.
" Yeah, you can't go back," said Yohji when he saw Aya grab his coat.
" I have no choice," said Aya quietly before turning to leave Yohji's
room.
Schuldich was waiting at the bottom of the stairs for Aya, he smiled
when he saw him.
" Honey you had me worried," said Schuldich with forced happiness.
" I'm sure," said Aya seriously. "Let's go."
" Oh, no. We have a little number prepared for your friends," said
Schuldich grabbing Aya painfully.
" Let go of me," hissed Aya. " And leave them out of this."
" Sorry, no can do," said Schuldich.
" You betrayed our trust Ran," said Crawford. " Now you must prove
it again."
Schuldich handed Aya a gun and said, " Kill Balinese and prove your
loyalty to us."
Aya just stared at the gun and Schuldich. " You are kidding right?"
" I don't joke around Ran," answered Crawford dryly. " Do it!"
Aya flinched at the command and turned to face Yohji. Nagi had Ken
and Omi under control by using his power. Aya turned to see Ken and
Omi before returning his gaze at the blonde.
" Don't do it Aya!" yelled Ken before another wave of pain assaulted
him.
Aya closed his eyes momentarily before starting to lift the gun and
pointing it at Yohji. Yohji said nothing, quietly staring at Aya.
" I'm sorry…" whispered Aya and shot the gun. Nonetheless, Yohji was
still standing. Aya had missed on purpose.
" I can't do it…I can't kill him," said Aya quietly. " Don't hurt
them I will do whatever you want."
" That's not good enough for me," said Schuldich grabbing the gun
from Aya's grasp.
" Schuldich stop!" screamed Aya. " Leave them out of this. I will
go back with you. Just stop."
" I don't care," hissed Schuldich and pointed the gun at Yohji.
However, before shooting Aya moved the telepath's hands making the
gun shoot the ceiling.
Crawford was angry and amused at the same time with the display.
Yet, Abyssian had betrayed them, as he knew it would happen.
Schuldich was jealous and Yohji was quiet. A thought came to him.
" Ran," said Crawford before shooting the gun. A loud thud was heard
and the gasp and cry of lovers.
NOOOOOO!!!!!
I bend my face and cock my head. My eyes are open wide listening to
the sound.
My hand goes up and down like a humming bird.
My mouth is opening and closing, I am singing
In harmony, I am weeping and wailing.
Gerald Stern (fragment)
TBC