Author: White Kiss - PG-13 - English - Romance
Winter ~ Winter, Everlasting: //Youji//
Notes:
Weiss Kreuz is property of Koyasu Takehito, Kyoko
Tsuchiya, Marine Entertainment, and Project Weiss.
This fic was inspired by a lot of Savage Garden.
- White Kiss [formerly Rina Garet]
03/25/02, 4:10 pm
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"Hello?"
Your voice answers, the same as I remember it.
"Hey, Aya."
The phone clicks, and I hear nothing but dial tone. I hold the phone to my chest and laugh. I knew you would do that. That's just so completely YOU… but I tried anyway. Of course I tried. You know I'm still hung up on you. That's why you hang up on me.
Oh look, I made a joke. I should really laugh, but I can't bring myself to. You know why I called. You pretend you don't… but you know.
How did I get your phone number, eh? You forget, I used to be a P.I. Old habits die hard. I still have some of the skills. Finding your phone number, even after you moved, was not a hard thing to do. Did you really think I would give up?
You don't believe me when I say I've been thinking about you. I've never forgotten you. The imprint you left on my heart with shattered glass, in your abrupt departure, hasn't gone away yet.
I've had other lovers. So what? Do you think they mean anything? You meant something. They've all been to try and get you out of my head, even for a few blissful moments of silence.
I know when you were watching me. You think I can't see? You think I don't know?
I'm not stupid, Aya.
I know you were there.
I thought of you as I smoked my dawn cigarette, smiling softly at memories of us.
I called to ask you if I could see you again.
I know it's been such a long time, and we're both different now, but I really wanted to see you. Talk to you. See if anything is still the same as it was. I know that's too much to hope for, but maybe seeing that would help me put an end to this.
You moved. It was to get away from me, wasn't it? Do I hold too many bad memories? Were you really that unhappy with me? I loved you, you know. Maybe I didn't tell you enough. Maybe I didn't show you enough.
Maybe you just didn't love me, and I pushed you too far.
Whatever it was… you moved to be away from me. And of course, I couldn't let you. I found your number. I call. You hang up.
You'd think it's been enough time. It's been a year. Don't wounds heal?
Maybe you just need more time. Of course. I'll keep telling myself you need more time. Another month will pass. Three months. Six months. You need more time. Then you'll figure everything out, and realize how much you've missed.
I'm allowed to fantasize, aren't I?
I'm allowed to remember you here, in my arms, and pretend it's real again. It WAS real once. At least I have my memories.
I want to see you.
I try to tell you that, when I call, but you hang up much too quickly.
I could come see you. I could surprise you one day. But you'd likely just punch me and toss me the hell out.
I'd like to think we could talk. That we could work things out. That we could figure out where we went wrong, and patch things up, and be as good as ever.
That's why they call it a fantasy.
That's why it isn't real, night after night, when I hold you close and tell you I love you. That's why it's someone else in my arms, someone else's body next to mine, even though I want it to be yours.
Just talk to me, even for a minute, Aya. Say whatever you want. Lie, if you have to. Say you've missed me. Say you've thought of me. Say that you forgive me for being so harsh. For taking other lovers. For trying to banish you from my memory.
Just say you do.
Even if it isn't your voice, I might believe it for a while.
It did take me a little bit of searching, to find you. You're not 'Aya' anymore. You're going by 'Ran.' That's your real name, eh? Why didn't you tell me, before? I had to learn this way.
Ran. Your real name is Ran.
Your sister is Aya. You took her name, after the accident. You see, I researched. I found out about you. I have friends in certain places you never knew about. I pay them well enough, and they tell me what I want to know.
And I wanted to know about you… Ran.
I still call you Aya, though. I call you, and I call you Aya. That's what you were to me, That's what you are to me. That's what you always called yourself, and that's what I cling to. Aya.
You were always 'Aya' to me. You always will be. No matter what changes. No matter the titles of photographs, no matter the memories.
You will always be 'Aya' to me.
I call you, but you always hang up on me.
I want to talk to you. I try to talk to you. But you won't. Is it too painful? Or have you just passed this point in your life? Do you ever think about me? Have you moved on?
I can move on.
I can…
At least, I pretend that I can.
But you're everything that keeps me going.
You still love me. I know you do. Even though you've moved away, I know you think about me. You do, don't you. Because I think about you, and I know you. Even though you've gone, it sticks in your mind, doesn't it? Everything we shared. Everything we did together. Everything we shared together.
You do remember, don't you?
I promised I would, and I haven't broken that promise. You said you would, too. You haven't broken yours, either, right? You've always been a man of your word.
You wandered through cold, lonely nights, staring up at my window.
I wandered through cold, lonely nights, trying to find you.
I wish you would have called out to me, at least once… one of those nights underneath my window. I wish I had had the guts to try and call out to you, myself.
But, like a fool, I let apprehension and fear get the best of me. I sank into a lonely sleep, and waited. I waited, hoping you would make good on your promise.
I cling to that.
I cling to my sweet memories of you, and hope that one day, we'll end up back where we once were… and that we can pick up from there. That one day, we can forget all this loneliness and betrayal… that we can forget abandonment and indecisiveness…
And that we can let it all go, and love each other.
I keep deluding myself, knowing none of it is real. It keeps me going.
I remember your love. I remember your words. And I go on. Every single day.
I hold you in my dreams, knowing that in reality, I'll never again get close enough to do so. I hold you tightly, reassure you sweetly, and reaffirm your trust in me that you lost so long ago.
And I love you.
I see you face, your expressions, your emotions…
And all of them fade like moonlight in a dusky morning sky.
I remember. I feel. For a brief moment… it's all real again. And then everything fades and I'm left with fragments, pieces… tiny shards of what might have been.
I close my eyes, see your face in my mind.
And I can move on.
I could have told you exactly what you meant to me, but pride got in the way. I could have told you how much I needed you, but I took you for granted. I thought you knew. Unfortunately, we only realize our mistakes after they're made.
And life goes on.
Time goes on.
Everything moves forward, while my love for you is stuck in the past. Time moves forward. Live moves forward. History moves forward.
But in my mind, my love for you never changes. Never wavers. Never moves an inch, until you come, and ask for a reminder.
And no matter how hard to try to banish it, no matter how much you move forward… no matter how much you forget and I am reminded…
I am always with you.
Winter. Spring. Summer. Fall. Every season that passes, every snow that falls. Every leaf that strikes a memory. They all go back to you.
With every snow, a new memory surfaces. With every thaw, a new story is told. With every autumn, a new color blooms, and with ever winter, a new blossom freezes.
And when all is said and done, I blow clear your memories. I tell your stories. I bloom in your memory, and my love freezes all else.
And even if you choose to live in eternal summer, my heart will still remember the winter freeze. Even if you choose to live in eternal spring, I'll remember the autumn trees. If you choose to let the winter freeze engulf you forever, I'll still be there in sprint to thaw everything you thought buried forever.
If it's payment you want, I've paid with my soul, for every drop of beauty we've shared, for every drop of love that's come out of everything we've experienced together.
I paid with my soul, the day we met.
I've paid with my life, my love, and my heart, every day since.
"Hey, Aya."
Customary click.
I knew you'd hang up.
It's been a year, but you're still not ready. I guess I can understand. I shouldn't call you. You'll speak to me when you're ready. I guess I just hoped that my 'I love you's mattered. I hoped that all my love meant something. That all my trust and hope for us would always last. Maybe I though that in foolishness, but you made me believe in things I'd always laughed at before.
That I'd always written off as stupid. That I'd always written off as foolish. That could ever show me what love might be like… for real instead of in imagination.
Oh, fuck it.
I love you.
Even if you don't believe me. Even if you think I'm some love-starved idiot, waiting for the right one to come along… Even if you think I'm some desperate bastard honing in on the first available person to show their face…
I still love you.
I don't care if you believe me or not.
It's the truth. And even if you don't realize it now, you will one day, and you'll see that I meant every word I said, and realization will dawn on you like it's dawning on me now.
And you'll love me, like I loved you.
And while you wish you could turn me away, I'll embrace you. I'll whisper what you need to hear, and tell you everything you can't say.
And you'll smile for me, and I'll kiss you, and everything will be all right.
Until I wake up, and realize that it's all been a dream.
That you still see me as something far away, intangible, that you can't ever be close to. That you still see my feelings as foolish. That you still see me as something otherworldly, not able to love, not able to feel, and not able to hold on to the things that matter most.
And I'll cry.
And I'll sleep.
And I'll dream
And everything will be all right again.
Did we ever really love? Or was it always one sided? I know I told you that I loved you, but was my timing all wrong? Should I have waited?
I cry.
I sleep.
I dream
Everything is all right again.
Except that you are nowhere to be found.
I see your face in my dreams. I hear your voice in my sleep. I want you with me, even though my memories of you are fleeting, disappearing like morning sunlight.
I want you more than anything.
I want you to know. I want you to see. Everything I see about you. Feel about you. Everything that comes to me in sleep, in dreams, and in conscious thought.
I cry.
I sleep.
I dream
And everything is all right again.
Even though you don't love me.
I feel the snow touch my face, and I smile. I'll tell you once more. And maybe… this time… you'll believe.
And when I see you again, you'll smile.
I know you will.
Until then, I won't ever give up.